Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Rupauls Drag Race Season 7 episode 5... LETS TALK ABOUT THE QUEENS THAT MATTER

Ok so I feel were all in agreement that this episode was pretty entertaining and I feel this is simply because MOST of the queens that DONT MATTER ARE GONE and we've finally just started to see the personalities coming through and now is the SPRINGTIME OF OUR DRAG QUEENS. Like crocuses they BLOOM whilst the bulbs that were unfit just REMAIN IN THE DIRT. Im really just going to do a DOSSIER on the remaining queens and LAY DOWN THE CARDS so we can all get on the same page.
Violet Chachki: Im starting with her because she's the best so far. You CANNOT ARGURE that that gown she wore to the "Despys" was not only the best garment on the episode it was THE BEST GOWN TO EVER BE ON RUPAULS DRAG RACE and this INCLUDES Rus gowns as well. The dress was made by her drag mom Genre and designed by Violet and Violet did the embellishment herself?!?!? IMPRESSIVE and IMPORTANT. That dress was like WATERCOLOR painted on her body. It was fitted FLAWLESSLY and the stone work was impeccable. I of course cannot find a picture of her in the gown anywhere online at this point so I had to make a SHITTY SCREEN GRAB. Violet has delivered AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN and I RELATE TO VIOLET. I was TOTALLY Violet in my youth. I sat there and quietly studied the people around me letting them blab and blab and blab and talk shit about me because Im not like them and as I silently judged them I was making my plan to destroy them, them being THE WORLD. I no longer operate under these goals but I do HOLD THEM TO MY HEART. The looks she gives the queens I have served over and over and over and I crack up every time she does them because I know the feeling so well when you CANT say anything because you're outnumbered but YOU KNOW someday while you ASCEND they will be sitting there like MONKEYS IN A CAGE. She's not going to be PHONY like Ginger Minj and be nice when she doesn't mean it, she will be nice to you IF YOU ACTUALLY DESERVE IT. I feel thats called HONESTY and I RESPECT IT. She's making all the right decisions, except being social, and minding her own business while the other kids can't take her strength and independence so they try and join forces but let me assure you THIS DOESNT WORK. Will she win? I don't think so. The public doesn't like a witch. I LOVE A WITCH, I am also not the public. Remember JINX MONSOON won the competition because of the public opinion when Alaska clearly should have. So will she win… I don't think so, but she doesn't have to either. She's sort of the Detox of this season, great styling, great paint, all the right references, but too angry for the public. I LOVE this anger, its actually appealing, and comforting, and sexy to me. The Mugler woman is looking out for REVENGE, not a CHECK, she can make her own money. Violet so reminds me of a thin Kabuki Starshine. They are both great talents clearly tapped into the same wavelength. Here are some pictures of Kabuki and Violet and the resemblance is close.
Ms. Fame: The fact that THIS came off a chicken farm and that her caretaker, her grandfather, was murdered and she's sober and has her shit together is FIERCE. Visually she certainly has the STING FACTOR we love. I feel like we've seen 6 seasons so were sorta jaded as to the quality of this seasons queens because if you line up Ms Fame, Violet, Max, and Pearl with the previous seasons there is a CLEAR ascendence of esthetics going on. The issue with Ms Fame is for whatever reason you can't get into her. I RESPECT her fully but do I wanna wrap my excitement and allegiance around her… not really. There is nothing wrong going on SHES REALLY QUITE MAJOR but the hook doesn't catch deep enough for me. I really appreciate her existence. Do I want her at my imaginary nightclub.. YES, do I wanna put my energies behind her… eh.. I feel bad but NO. She doesn't have the edge or sense of biting humor I need. I need a LITTLE rage, a SLICE of contempt, a DASH of sadism, a LICK of HARSH REALITY. She's cool, she's fierce, she's just a TEENSY bit nice for my allegiance but I do think she deserves top three as she's doing everything right and you can't fault her for being BALANCED.
Max: Max is refreshing. Its so nice to see someone NOT being SLUTTY. I really like her. She's a cool dude. She's the WHOOPING CRANE of RPDR. Beautiful, delicate, timid, wise, but maybe too FRAGILE. Drag queens are HARSH. I worry that she hasn't got the chops when it gets down to the FIGHT SCENE because she's a classy lady and she won't fight and that sorta sucks because I can respect that but the fight scene is your opportunity to delivered a HIGH END READ which I just don't feel she would do because SHE CARES FOR PEOPLE. Max has been SMART. Did you see the gifs she did of the wide angle shots of her?!? This took PLANNING and was WELL EXECUTED. She gets top three for her runway and this alone. Max is the wizard and Im into him. Every single drag queen from below the Mason Dixon Line, PUERTO RICO INCLUDED, could learn something from Max.
Pearl: Now Pearl has grown on me. I mean of course they've given her the camera time to let her grown on you but originally she came off as INTERN FROM BROOKLYN WHO IS TO BE IGNORED #345,987 and I didn't have time for her. I was wrong. She has something interesting going on. She straddles this line of beautiful and fucked up and weird and then visually compelling. I think she's smart. Go ahead and make the Shakespere comment but I have two degrees and I graduated from what is arguably the best art school on Earth with honors and I DONT KNOW SHAKESPERE because it never spoken to me. So I don't know how this thing that I find exclusive and maybe a bit obvious is so important. Shakespere always seemed like THE BIBLE to me. I understand its fundamental but all of the concepts in there you would already know if you have your wits about you. I don't think you're really ENLIGHTENED by Shakespere its more just THE RULES WE ALL FOLLOW. Important yes, but you can find those lessons anywhere if you're enlightened, its not the only source so I don't feel knowing it is crucial so long as you know "it" abstractly. This is important because this is what I feel Pearls entire angle is, its IT but IT abstractly and that seems fresh to me. She also does INTERESTING CLEAVAGE?! I feel Pearl will go on to be something big out of drag. Some photographer or designer will snatch her up and 20 years down the road she'll be RICH AND WHITE.
Kennedy Davenport: Speaking of rich and white!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA I was supposed to start typing right now but I CANT?!?!? I CRACK MYSELF UP TOO MUCH…. AHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH?!?! Kennedy is just that person I don't like. She's not my thing. So I feel like why be a dick as she's something Im sure to SOMEONE and she gives something somewhere FEVER but what I wanna say is something that BORDERS on harsh like "Kennedy Davenport is why we should be able to SHOOT THE POOR." but I won't. She's someones hero and I shouldn't be insulting just because she's not for me. I just have a hard time being nice because she comes off like that kind of person who tries to deliver "advice" but really its a JEALOUS DIG and you have to decide when you're hearing it to read her to filth and then know all the poor people are gonna hate you or just shut up and deal because you know she's just jealous and dumb enough to think she's smart and capable of holding a conversation with you when all you do when she's talking to you is think of the baby dinosaur from A LAND BEFORE TIME.
Katya: Ok, she's cool. I get her. I appreciate her. she's not SLAYING ME but she's cool. Id hang with her. In the beginning I thought she seemed a little COKEY and I feel she's a teensy bit turning it up too high for the confessional cams but its also good tv so I get it, I get it, you're cool. I appreciate the Russian element.
Ginger Minj: I think she is going to be this seasons villain or SHOULD BE. She's that horrible southern cliche of being "nice" to people when you don't like them and the only reason why she doest like you is because she's envious. I don't like her, don't trust her, nope, keep her away from me. She's like an evil Ben de La Creme.
Peanut Butter Cup: I dont know her name but you know who I mean. Black Natalie. BLATALIE Its either her or Kandy Ho that dies next. Not much to say because EH, don't care. She's like a PLAIN DOUGHNUT. Like one of those doughnuts they always have at Dunkin Doughnuts and you wonder HAS ANYONE EVER BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE but they're ALWAYS THERE?!
Kandy-Ho: None of you even want me to say anything nice about her so I won't even try. Ill just be an honest dick. She has what we call where Im from GRUB FACE. Its this very specific genetic make up where no matter how you dress you always look like a SKANK. Juliette Lewis, Madonna, and Joaquin Phoenix also are stricken with GRUB FACE.
Is there anyone else? If I can't remember than they don't deserve a review I guess, but now that I said that I know Im gonna be like OH FUCK then theres LADY DRAMA FANTASTIC and she's MAJOR?! but I still haven't thought of anyone else so ok, see you next week!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Let Indiana be hateful!

Let Indiana be hateful. We don't need to control everything. Put our ego aside and let them choose the life they want. Let them stew in their ignorance and misery. Let them be despised, ignored, and an embarrassment. Im not saying that we should do NOTHING, we should boycott them, and shame them, and turn them into a butt of our jokes.. BUT.. There has to be a place for these people and Indiana is THE PERFECT SPOT BECAUSE NONE OF US ARE EVER GOING THERE?! Some may see a human rights violation but I see AN INVISIBLE PRISON FOR MORONS. We can have the coasts and they can have that shitty space that nobody even knows exists! ITS ALL YOURS. I for one would rather know a business is owned by a fool and not go there than not know and give my money to some terrified person who hates me because they are simply inexperienced and ignorant. Let them make horrible decisions, they will learn much faster that way than trying to force them into open mindedness and ascended wisdom. There was a time when I think I was more about control and something like this would threaten my being but now I'm just like THANKS FOR BEING HONEST, so sorry your life is going to suck, hope you learn quickly because without gays your life is going to be MEXICAN TELEVISION. There will be nothing visually appealing, very little music options, a third grade level sense of humor, oppressed everything, everyone in sweats, all the food will be processed... This is their life and they like it... LET THEM HAVE IT.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Daily dudes

The new Wrestlesex Singlet at slick It Up

Available now at Slick It Up.

Rupauls Drag Race Episode 4 Season 7 Review... Why Trixie deserved to die

Im so happy this episode happened because I was just having this discussion with friends as to why knowing your history of fierceness is important and this episode really does a fantastic example of doing just that and why its so crucial to know the difference between and importance of our ICONS OF FIERCITY.
Last Saturday I was at my friends house doing a game night of "Celebrity". Well Sheena Easton and Teela from He-Man were thrown in the mix and half the crowd "early thirty somethings and communist era escapees" had no clue who they were. Now I understand if half the room is going "How can you possibly not know the importance of MAGICAL LADY NUMBER 547-subcategory B-17?!?!?" you're going to have a defensive reaction because its mildly humiliating to be shamed for not knowing something AND the simple fact that you are not from the COUNTRY or ERA means you've heard this a MILLION times before and its really hard trying to know every fucking lady and why they're important. Yes, it is A LOT but THATS WHY WERE SO FIERCE BECAUSE WE KNOW A LOT?! A shallow pool of references makes for an uninteresting person. Its also REALLY IMPORTANT you learn this stuff otherwise you will LOOSE LIKE TRIXIE MATTEL?!
Our friends were trying to argue that its the here and now thats important and how can these old people matter blah blah blah, I understand its all you can say because admitting that you were standing in line for toilet paper while we were watching Sheena sell asymmetrical hair, half tees, and hardbodies at Ballys just SUCKS and nobody wants to go there BUT GOD DO I WANNA GO TO BALLYS?!?!
The thing is you have to remember that ALL PLANES OF CONSCIOUNESS ARE HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME, so there is no OLD or THEN what is fierce "then" is the same fierce as "now" and it happens everywhere. Its happening right now on some branch in the jungle where an Orchid Mantis is hanging out on an orchid waiting for its prey and its AMAZING.. same thing as Sheena Easton.. no different all the same cosmic energy so its important to take it all in for the greatest understanding for as we know those who can see the future coming OWN the future AND those who don't know the past are condemned to repeat it so therefore knowing the past is crucial to the future!!!
This bring us to Trixie and Pearl. Im basically just chopping the entire episode because really not much happened. They did parodies of Rupaul songs and they were all like EH. The "winner" Kennedy Davenport was a WTF moment. She wasn't funny or good or anything. If I had to pic any of them I would have said Katya should have won. She was the best performer in the challenge and I thought she had the best runway look as well. Kennedy Davenport, the dollar bill dress lady who is just someones DAD IN A DRESS, and Kandy Ho gots to go. I mean the dollar bill dress lady is like DRAG FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE and I DO MEAN THAT AS AN INSULT. Kennedy Davenport is so low rent she accepts tips in form of WIC CHECK. I mean all that going on backstage in Untucked with her about padding.. padding to me is CHEAP. I mean Im fine with it but its so just…. TACKY. I understand a little padding if you like thats totally cool but those ladies are the CHINESE BUFFET of padding.. "ALL YOU CAN PAD FOR 3.99" .. CHEAP... its such a third world concept in my eyes, and I am judging them for not knowing that. I think if padding is important to you it means the females in your life were fat which means you were poor and that you see women as GLOBULAR OBJECTS, not POWERFUL CREATURES and you shouldnt embrace that because holding on to negative family traits just because they're familiar to you is not exact a gesture thats TRANSCENDENT is it? Lets not celebrate your families terrible life choices, much like Laganja and her "celebrating" marijuana… just NO.
Anyhow the final lip-synch caused quite a stir with some people as it was Pearl versus Trixie Mattel and Trixie lost. Now I IMMEDIATELY received a text message from my former communist friend saying "How is this possible Trixie was so much better?!" well see if he had known his fierce history he would have known how WRONG Trixie was for doing the COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE CHARACTERIZATION of Debbie Harry and her song "Dreamin'". Trixie did this like GOOPEY CUTESY THING of a performance to BLONDIE…. WRONG?!?! BUZZER SOUND FROM FAMILY FEUD.. Anyone who knows Debbie Harry knows how insulting it is to portray this edgy New Wave/Punk queen as CUTESEY. It was actually RUDE. The only way I can actually sort of describe it for the children of today would be like if you took a Lady Gaga song and then did it as though you were KATY PERRY. The Gaga fan would just go "OMG STOP?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!" but you see neither Trixie nor my friend knew this AND THATS WHY THEY LOST. I actually thought Pearl was GREAT. She had the glazed over eye/Gozer the Gozerian/ I am channeling a higher power/ Grace Jones robot hunting prey thing and I was REALLY INTO IT! That is MY kind of lady! Whats even more amazing is her outfit was ALMOST EXACTLY TEELA?!?!?! This person is CLEARLY in touch with the higher powers?! Its just as I said before Teela is the same as Pearl, which is the same as a King Cobra, which is the same as a fierce roller coaster, which is the same as LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM which I had the poster of in my bedroom as a child because I KNEW IT HAD TO FIERCE even though I never saw the movie?! So there is all this online brouhaha with younger queens about "Justice for Trixie" but girl don't say shit like that because it makes you look NOT WISE. Trixie lost because she wasn't tapped into the creative unconscious and Pearl was and thats that. Pearls costume I actually loved. I thought the silhouette was WEIRD AND NEW and it was basically a combination of one of my favorite 80s scene ever when Linda Koslowski in Crocodile Dunee is wearing the HIGHT CUT THONG and gets attacked by a CROCODILE?! THIS IS PERFECTION two fantastic things that go PERFECT with one another! and Pearls outfit was basically Lindas outfit PLUS the reptile?!?!? WIN WIN WIN Reptile swallows barbie doll, end scene.

Friday, March 20, 2015

The new Taylor Crystal Swimsuit at Slick It Up!

The new Taylor Crystal Swimsuit available now at Slick It Up. The print is made from Liz Taylors actual amethyst crystal so a warning! Wearing this swimsuit will give you GLOWING VIOLET EYES! Please remember that all Slick It Up products are MADE IN NYC which is more than we can say for any other brand we can think of, honestly I don't know of another menswear brand made in NYC.. not one and certainly not one in our market if you could think of one. Its too bad were the last dinosaur standing but maybe thats because were EVOLVED?!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Rupauls Drag Races Season 7 Episode 3: Conquering the nightmare that is St Patricks day.

I want to write this before Jasmine Masters gets on a camera and blabs on about how she didn't actually loose a drag challenge she lost something that has nothing to do with drag and how she is an ENTERTAINER and lost because she has no interest in these trifling subjects such as beards and Shakespeare. She may have said this in Untucked, I haven't watched yet. Im also dreading going outside as it St Patricks Day aka STRAIGHT PRIDE and Im really bad about drunk bridge and tunnel sitting on my steps wearing SHAMROCK DEELYBOPPERS pretending they live here when they've never done what it takes to deal with living in a city, and instead live in a KOOSHY MUSHROOM VILLAGE and come here one day and pretend they're "real". I seriously can hear them out my window right now and Im too lazy to push a harpsichord out the window so Ill just commit to writing!
I don't know about you but this episode was fantastic because it basically was an abstract representation of my entire life from age 5 to 22 from elementary school to Cal Arts. What I mean by this is as a gay child in upstate New York I always felt like a greyhound in a room full of monkeys and I just had to sit there and EAT IT because I was outnumbered.
You see they divided the girls into two teams. One team spearheaded by Tranzwizzard the Wise Max and the other Team spearheaded by Toady McBlumpkin Kennedy Davenport (the only reason why I remember her name is because of Ru saying "Newark, Laguardia, Kennedy" as though its "New York, Paris, Milan" which is SO SMART btw). The two captains got to choose their teams and Kennedy of course like every other idiot in the world who doesn't know what they're doing prescribed to nepotism to complete the task instead of choosing who would be best. Max of course JUST DID EVERYTHING RIGHT because she seems like a grateful person who respects the world by understand that doing things with gratitude and effort is like saying THANK YOU to THE GODS. Kennedys team was basically HUMAN MUCUS. The rehearsal experience felt like the shittier aspects of my life from 5 to 21 and I was Violet, the one who is different but actually knows they know better but must SUFFER THE MASSES and you can't do anything because barbarians have stormed the castle. This experience is aka RIDING THE SUBWAY. Sure that a RASH THING TO SAY and you can hate me for saying that and I KNOW IM NOT BETTER than anyone else but thats a REAL HARD MANTRA TO SWALLOW ON THE SUBWAY and if you say you don't think the same then you're Dolly fuckin Parton and hooray for you! I unfortunately am not so enlightened. I still think I'm better than people who eat chicken in a train car. That said I would rather ride the subway than have to WATCH KENNEDY'S TEAM DO SHAKESPEARE. It was a TOTAL SHIT SHOW and this is what happens when you give the keys to the grey people. Nepotism reigns, the horde has control, CULTURE DIES, and Rome falls. Remember Rome didn't fall from Barbarians attacking from the outside, it fell from the Barbarians gaining power on the INSIDE.
The episode so clearly brought me back in time to being on the jungle gym surrounded by the horrible spawn of the cockroach family THE GIRARDS. (Jodi, Carrie, and Lisa specifically) A family in my home town that was so large they kind of bullied the entire town with that old school catholic hypocrisy. That rowdy, judgey, not curious or open minded, non participating, insular, gluttonous, terrified, HORDE MENTALITY. The Girards were basically THE ST PATRICKS DAY PARADE! So as we sat there atop the jungle gym they called my Kermit sneakers, which I really thought were quite sweet and friendly little green shoes with Kermit waving on them that I bought in kind of a first clothes shopping moment with my mom and was really expressing myself by choosing them, "Price Chopper shoes". (Price Chopper was the local grocery store) At the time I didn't know they were just making fun of me because they were jealous of my life and maybe now I realize that them being cruel was actually SAD BECAUSE THEY COULD NEVER POSSIBLY FEEL SPECIAL BEING THEY EXISTED IN SUCH GREAT NUMBERS AND SUCH GREAT IGNORANCE AND AND PROBABLY NEVER GOT TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SHOES AND THEY KNEW IT but I couldn't possibly understand that as a third grader so instead I've just decided TO CARRY THIS ANGER AGAINST THEM and CATHOLICS FOR 33 YEARS ??!?! This is not the first time Ive written about the Girards btw its FUCKING SHOCKING how this shit can keep coming back and you have to keep giving this shit back to god and saying THANKS FOR THE LESSON! I WILL REMEMBER, AND BE THANKFUL NOT BITTER! and I must say my best friends family growing up was also Catholic and they were the most wonderful people I could ever meet so its shitty I choose to snarl my lip at Catholics when it was like ONE shitty incident and there were THOUSANDS of wonderful memories given to me by Catholics. I also need to remember this because my boyfriend is from Spain and raised as an Opus Day Catholic and I have to be open minded for his sake because my "pagan" beliefs are wildly shocking to him but he is open to them and sees light in them so I must be open and gentle to him as well or Im just being as bad as I say the Catholics are. One of the nicest things that ever happened to me as a kid I didn't even realize until I was an adult and learned more about Catholicism was that my best friends mom and dad, the Haywards, would let me go get Communion when I would go to church with them. This doesn't seem like much, but its HUGE spiritually. I wasn't Catholic but I respected them and wanted to be part of their culture so Id go with them some Sundays to check it out. I was open minded and wanted to be part of something bigger as I very much grew up on my own and never felt part of anything larger than my He-Man collection. I didn't even know what Communion was or that I wasnt supposed to be able to get it but they knew I respected them and wanted to be part of something so without letting me know I wasn't supposed to they let me go up and get it and never told me I wasn't supposed to. Im actually teary eyed thinking about that moment because it was really fucking fierce of them to let me feel part of something even though it was against the rules because just like I said before about Max they knew I was taking it with gratitude and that THAT was what its all about. They said fuck the rules, this kid wanting to be part of something is honest and pure and the church should be so lucky as to have someone WANT to be part of their group and the last kid this PROBABLY GAY kid needs it to be told is "NOT YOU"....Fuck the rules, the Haywards were FIERCE.
I apologize for going off of the topic like this but really this is what I felt in the episode with Jasmine and Kennedy and Ginger coming for Violet. When you put it all together you realize its not the Girards, or Catholicism, or Jasmine really is it? You can find the Girards ANYWHERE in life FOREVER. They were just my first experience of THAT KIND OF HORRIBLE. I should thank them for being my entry into horrible because IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE! It could have been Jasmine Masters and her HORRIBLE BEARD?!
Which I can't find a picture of actually, the google gods are kind today, so I will just post this gif of Rafiki as its the closest thing to her. Did you see her putting on that "combat contour"??!?! GAGGLEBERRIES I FOUND pics of both?!?!
The main challenge was to do Shakespeare. No easy task. Im an art school kid and even for me Shakespeare seems exclusive and something I'd have to be invited into and NOBODY HAS EVER GIVEN ME AN INVITE. So I understand Max coming from his background he's been given the opportunity to excel at this where Jasmine, Kennedey, and Ginger clearly have not BUT thats really no excuse because this was very much MAKE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEARE and had they taken the initiative they could have made it their own. I will say though after watching seven seasons of this show you really see how having a large library of references is SO CRUCIAL to success in this world because its always the girls who haven't read books or gone to the museum or had moms that said "Let me tell you a story" that really stumble in creativity based challenges. Its quite sad actually, they just have NOTHING to pull from. I mean I don't wanna play a violin because I guess you could say the same thing about me and sports, but I dunno.
They also got creative with the beard challenge and again the smart kids did well and the non smart kids looked like A BUS STOP JUG BAND! Katya looked the best with Max in for a close second. I wish there was a better gif of Katyas look but it was smart and chic.
When I started this article hours ago (yes I spent hours writing this this morning) I planned on eviscerating Jasmine, Kennedy and Ginger for their tryory but now I feel very different. Im far less reactive to their tryory and more sympathetic. Everything ended up ok as the "bad guys" lost in the end and Im sure they will learn from this so its a good thing for everybody. Now I feel Im in a much better place to brave the streets of NYC on this STRAIGHT PRIDE and instead of macing them as I HISS LIKE A CAT AND RUN I will put on some Rupaul and smile and show them what a nice day it could be.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Daily dudes