Sunday, April 5, 2009

I went to Jersey... AGAIN, and GAGGED on it!

I have a fuck buddy. He's "Jersey" from New Jersey and he serves Jersey FETISH REALNESS.. to me at least. He comes in on the BUS every weekend to go out and to be honest I always wanted to see what life is like on the other side of the river. So when he said I could come out there and we could go to his gym (GAGGING TO SEE THAT),then go to the MALL and eat at "upscale chain" Grand Luxe, then come back into the city and go out, and then he would crash here and we'd fuck... It sounded pretty great to me!...
SO... I told straight Phil I was going to Jersey over the weekend and after he asked if I had all my SHOTS UPDATED he asked if I wanted him to book me a car and I said "Absolutely NOT!" Why?! Because I wanted the REAL DEAL. You dont just take a helicopter to the top of Everest and expect to feel fulfilled you have to CRAWL TO THE TOP on your HANDS and KNEES and believe me once I got to his gym THATS ALL I WANTED TO DO?!?! ...but first let set the scene...
So I took the 4$ VAN BUS to Pasaic Park from Port Authority, its was SKANK but again I was into it cause I wanted the real experience. Everyone was MEXICAN except ME and SOME OTHER POLLOCK ( Its fun to be a white minority because you get the best of both worlds) anyways all I could think of as I walked down the aisle was BED BUGS!!! So I sat in a crash position the entire ride just in case any bug wanted to try crawling on me i was gonna make the contact surface area AS SMALL AS POSSIBLE!!! Just kidding, but I did take a photo for you to see how nice it was. I think ONLY ONE person had thrown a milkshake at the van that day so that was a good sign....remember I was going to EMERSE MYSELF IN THIS JOURNEY, not simply observe as some imperialist cracker so I saw the spanish graffiti as POETRY..NOT a QUALITY OF LIFE VIOLATION!
So during the 25 minute ride through Jersey I couldnt help but feel like I was in the "POPPA DONT PREACH" video and then to my SHOCK and AWE what was there waiting for me near the stop but none other than...
Swear to god I did NOT take this photo then mention the poppa dont preach video, I thought it THEN actually saw this?!
So I didnt realize I had to tell the driver where I wanted to stop so I missed my stop and had to call Jersey and describe where I was by how it looked and Jersey said "OH,The little "park" where the homeless guy sleeps with his dog!" but neither THE BUM nor his dog were there so it was just the POLLOCK COW and his GYM BAG. We get to the gym after picking up a red bull and its EXACTLY what I expected on the outside...GARBAGIO! but it was actually nicer then I expected on the inside. It was huge and the equipment was far nicer then the gym I go to here, and of course pay more then twice as much for. The best part about it though was the DUDES. OMG HOLY SHIT "WHY Y"ALL GAGGING SO?!" Hottest guys at a gym I have EVER SEEN at ANY GYM, EVER, BAR NONE! Everywhere you looked was a new flavor of GUIDO FETISH. They came in every color, white cunt blonde, rican, arab, italian... EVERYTHING! All serving "fitteds" ( the caps) , the super short caesar cuts, earrings, fake tans, and ROIDS... I was with Jersey my RICAN JERSEY FETISH STUD and I was in HEAVEN/ a FEEDING FRENZY OF JERSEY FETISH REALNESS! Believe it or not I actually got a really good workout too?! If I could have taken pictures I would have, but I didnt wanna get my ass kicked. They all work this "I would be gay if you saw me in manhattan but this sure as hell aint Manhattan so Im STRAIGHT" thing DOWN. Jersey says how frustrating it is and if I lived there Im sure it would be exasperating but being that this was EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED I was totally happy with the status quo.
So from the gym we had to the Garden State Plaza which is this HUGE MALL and I have decided that I want to get my EARS PIERCED and serve ROIDTARD GUIDO FETISH REALNESS myself and MORE OFTEN! If Im going to do it though I want it done by the ABORIGINAL PEOPLE of Jersey though so I get REALNESS BONUS POINTS. Im not going to some place here in the city. I want it done at the PIERCING PAGODA in the MALL in JERSEY... REALNESS... Gag on it cunt!
So we make our way through the INSANE AMOUNT of people there and find the Piercing Pagoda where Jersey got his done. The kid working there is this cute total BABY GAY asian kid ( ps -I love that the Piercing PAGODA is like EPCOT CENTER and hires properly themed employees) who is having a MISERABLE TIME BEING HIM because hes a BABY GAY STRANDED on this ICEBERG in a SEA OF ROIDTARDED GUIDOS, I mean theyre like fuckin sharks in this place. When I was a kid I was terrified of the Jersey guys who would come up to Lake George every summer which is of course why I fetishize/wanna be one now so I can only imagine how much it SUCKS to be HIM because I only had to deal with it when I worked at the arcade FUNARAMA over the summer and this kid was clearly TREADING WATER 24/7!!! So I was totally into treating this kid special and acting like a dude and acting like he was a dude too like TOTALLY NOT CARING HES A BABY GAY, aka treating him with the respect he never gets I'm sure. At first he of course figured we were just two more thugs ready to make his day awful but as soon as he either figured out that we were TOTAL MO'S or just NICE and HAVING FUN he let his guard down and let me take a picture of him posing with the NEEDLE GUN, and he RULED for that! ( gurl... Ive been YOU! Keep it together, youre FIERCE and dont listen to anybody when they tell you different! Its a free country girl you can be whatever you want and if they dont like it theyre just jealous because they wanna be like you too and theyre just too scared to do it!" )

I decided to go with diamond square cut...duh.. Incase you were wondering, I asked which was more popular, square cut, or round, and "B.G" said it was pretty much an even split. So I got my rocks and headed to eat. It was yummy, I got Weiner Schnitzel and the family sitting next to us was only semi awkward. I think this is a projection on my part MAYBE but I sorta hate eating as a "gay couple" in "straight" venues. I get really awkward and I dont know if its a projection or Im just sensing the other peoples uncomfortable thoughts as they realize were gay then of course think about our sex and then of course think about it happening to them and then of course getting scarred cause theyre uncomfortable with their thoughts... but maybe thats just ME but it doesnt FEEL like it is... even though Im pretty sure it is... hoping it is just me.... Anyways..
After eating we took the train in, which Ive never done before, what a pain in the ass?! I dont know how Jersey people do it every day or even weekend, but I can say I had a great time out there and I wanna do it again. Im happy Ive gotten over my hate for Jersey Guidos and just owned it that I was JEALOUS because they were HOT and I felt like an ALIEN around them because I basically WAS in comparison at the time. Now its fun to be able to go there, buy some trashy clothes, and then come back with some Jersey realness and eat PUERTO RICAN/CUBAN ASS all night while I watch in my oversized mirror and notice the bling of the square cuts and think "Damn New Jersey is a wonderful place!".

16 comments:

whitney said...

i seriously was thinking about getting squarecuts TODAY. work it on out, gurl, that day sounds like joisey HEAVEN.

David Mason said...

OMG Get them!! but you have to keep them in for 30 days so see if you can get the ones that have like the plastic tube to keep them open so you can take the studs out so you can still find work! Then we can both wear them when we work at IML and be the only two dudes there serving MODERN FETISH.

youreviltwin said...

i love how it's an anthropological study with you, lol.

HOW CUTE WAS THE BABY GAY? omg, adorable, and he IS FIERCE, you have to be if you're an asian gay boy working at a fucking piercing pagoda in NJ. did you refer him to your website at all? that shout out would probably make his year, seriously.

also pleased by your continued refusal to participate in modern cultural imperialism... good job. damn the man, etc.

Erik said...

Sounds like a great day, and an even better night...!

Sue said...

Sounds like you had a great day! Baby Gay is just the cutest! I've got that t-shirt too!

Anonymous said...

I think you should write a tourist
guidebook. It actually made me wanna go there.

Muscled Dad said...

Loved the story but you left out the part about the Jersey gym's locker room and showers (I assume there was no steam or sauna). Any good viewing in there? Like maybe the "blonde cunt's" drapes not matching his carpet. [Plus given the Herodotus pics, I assume that you didn't drop your bar of soap] LOL.

roger said...

love it ... Hoboken ... easier to get to ... youd love it ...

Dustyn said...

piercing with a gun is AWFUL!!! DON"T EVER DO IT AGIAN!!!

you risk getting hepatitis or other diseases because the gun can't be cleaned properly. as well as the impact it makes on the tissue can permanently damage you...

I only care because i work at a tattoo/piercing/gay/fetish store in St. Louis, MO (Cheap Trx, look us up online)...and it's my job to care...

as well as i fucking adore you...you're to handsome to be scarred for life

If you're ever in the St. Louis, MO area look us up, or just look me up...your call ;)

brando said...

Stop projecting. I'm sure that family was freaking out thinking that you figured out how miserable their lives were... or they were probably thinking how cool it would be to add extra ranch dressing to their double bacon cheeseburger.

Avenjer said...

I sense a new line of Slick it up "realness" jewelery coming soon. And I also sense a new reality show on logo "David Mason's baby gay extreme roidtard makeover happy fun time hour". Watch it! Seriously, thanks for treating that kid with respect and kindness. We've all been there before. As much as the world has changed somethings haven't and gay teen suicide still happens. So I try to show some kindness when I happen upon them too. Everyone should. :)

Jay Wilson said...

I HAVE NO EYES NOW!! THE CONTRAST OF THE BLACK BACKGROUND AND WHITE WRITING! TOTALLY WACK, BUT SO TOTALLY WORTH IT...

YOUR SO FUCKING FUNNY!!

I'M CALLING LEGEND!, BIG TIME!!

KEEP HITTING IT!

P.S: B.G WAS TOTALLY SERVING ALEC MAPA IN DH

P.P.S: I ADORE YOU TOO! :-P

helpmypuss said...

Wow, you forgot to describe Baby Gaysian's fantastic outfit, so then I saw it in the photo and I was all: "Wow!"

I forget the girl's name in Kill Bill, the Asian schoolgirl type with the ball on a chain? He made me think of that a little.

yrfrndjsh! said...

That story was Jersey fetish roidtard realness couture! New Jersey Rules At Life!!!

Anonymous said...

Bitch... I was GASPING for breath I laughing like a total freak. Seriously, it was LAYERS and LAYERS of HIGH- larity... the baby gaysian at the piercing pagoda holding the piercing gun a la Charlies Angels, MADONNA'S CLOSET and spanish grafitti/poetry... omg... it was a fucking ab work out...

~nicholas
PS...
My poster arrived... I'm having it framed. I was toying with the idea of making a hat out of it and sending back. But I just can't do it!!!! I love it too much.

Stan said...

Those hot Guido's make for some great eye candy over here. You need to go down the shore and catch them flashing all that exposed muscle in the summer! Great post btw.