Thursday, June 25, 2009


So someone actually called me to find out what I was going to say for my eulogy on Michael. I dont have one, and I actually only have limited stories. They are as follows. I dont think theyre evil so Im not speaking ill of the dead :
1. Once when I was like 20 my friend BECKY basically sold me as a hooker WITHOUT TELLING ME to this rich music guy and left me STRANDED in a bedroom at the BEVERLY HILLS hotel, the guy was this dude we had met at a club and he asked if we wanted to go eat, we said "Sure." When we got to his limo thing there was this ROUGH TRADEY looking dude standing outside of it. When I asked who it was the guy we met showed us this hand written note from MICHAEL that said something like "Have fun..Michael" it was in reference to the rough tradey dude. He was some HOOKER Michael had sent to the dude as a "gift". He gave the dude some money and he went away and then when I was in the bathroom the dude gave BECKY some money and SHE WENT AWAY.... I spent the night and we went to bed, I think, there may have been some kissing not sure. I mean I WAS sorta into him and it was sorta exciting to live out my Blondie "Call Me" fantasy that I had had since I was a kid when I would put bubble bath in the tub and raise my leg in the air and pretend I was a HIGH CLASS HOOKER, even if the guy was smarmy and soulless. I was willing to ride it out for the moment, but I dont think we had sex, I think he tried to give me G in a bottle but I didnt fall for it. I woke up and there was some other hooker who showed up that the guy flew in from NY so I was OFF THE HOOK of an awkward "I dont wanna blow you, I just thought this was exciting, and that Id get free pizza" moment. The next day I sat in a recording studio with Zsa Zsa Gabor and she recorded her dance track. She grabbed my cheeks and said "Hes a BABY?!"
2. Long before anyone knew he was broke I did because I knew these Disney Imagineers who were building these developments that Michael was invested in. Upon reviewing the plans Michael said "I like everything but the japanese garden." When the designer asked why he didnt like the garden Micahel simply said "I dont like the Japanese." When my friend heard this he gagged and asked the lead guy in private why Michael said that and he said it was because he owed Sony like 250 million dollars for money they had advanced to him and he wasnt making any so they were trying to get him to release the rights to the Beatles songs he bought.
3. This make up artist I know, who did his make up, said that after talking with Michael for 45 minutes about MAE WEST he brought up McCaully Culkin because he had worked on the movie Party Monster with him and knew he and Michael were "pals" and when he mentioned it Micahel said " Oh wasnt that the movie about the two GAY GUYS?!" and creepily giggled like a school girl saying "gay" remember this was AFTER talking about MAE WEST for 45 minutes?!
4. I just had dinner with someone who was working on the new "comeback tour" who Im sure now will NEVER get a check and he said that Michael was very nice actually from the very start and that they eat SUBWAY for lunch. Michael would get the vegetarian.
5. I remember not even knowing WHO Michael Jackson was but I knew that he was supposedly the coolest thing so when I was like 6 or 7 or something, on vacation in Maine, I bought a PAINTERS CAP with the FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION FLAPS ON IT and had them put an iron-on of Michael holding a baby tiger on the front.
6. An old friend of mine used to be the second biggest doll collector in America, she would go to upscale doll shows with her friend who was the lead paparazzi guy from the Enquirer, who would wear full leather bodysuits, hes was gross and smarmy but actually turned me on a little....ick... Anyways, They would see Michael at these shows too and of course the guy would take pictures. Michaels entire body was wrapped like a MUMMY except he had on the RED MICHAEL JACKSON JACKET on over it and BLACK SUNGLASSES tucked in it like the invisible man, but the FREAKIEST PART was that he had a SMILE cut into the face part of the bandages...full on super villain joker realness effect..... FIERCE. I have the photos myself, like the actual photographs, I dont know where though. Stupid me probably gave them away.


youreviltwin said...

i'm sort of adoring story #5 with 6-7 YO Danger Mouse dictating the assemblage of MJ/baby tiger shirt. AWWWWW!

Jay said...

You've lived an INSANE life so far.

gavin said...

Hot people always have the dish.

They get invited and included in everything.

J. Shamama said...

All of these are spectacular but #3 is especially amazing.