Sunday, October 11, 2009

I WAS SMUGGLED ON THE GAY UNDERGROUND RAILROAD!!?!

Ok So I hadnt been to Glens Falls where I grew up for a few years pretty much just because it sorta sucks. This time I knew better and instead of staying in the home I grew up in I stayed in a hotel and avoided the MULTIPLE MISERIES of staying in what used to be my home which is now owned by my sisters TWO ASSHOLE DOGS...
I grew up across the street from a SWAMP and a GRAVE YARD and this was THE NICEST STREET IN TOWN. The town is Glens Falls, which is in upstate New York, right in between Saratoga and Lake George both of which are tourist destinations although Glens Falls is NOT. It USED to have falls when I was a kid but the factory that employs most of the city put a DAM up and now there are no more FALLS in Glens FALLS.. the falls are actually the falls in the story "Last of the Mohicans" that they go over in the end... except NOT the ones from the movie because like I said the factory built a damb so they used someone elses waterfall....Glens Falls actually is just a perfectly fine actual small town, not THAT small but not BIG. I went with my friend/ Puerto Rican mating partner Jersey from Jersey and he called it "COUNTRY", but he has also never seen an APPLE TREE...
Anyways my friend who still lives in Glens Falls came down to the city and I swapped my apartment for her car for the weekend so I could go upstate and to Vermont which is very close by with Jersey as he had never been there and wanted a MAGNET. I like Jersey because he has very simple wants and needs and its refreshing. Apparently a few minutes after leaving in my friends car to Jersey to pick up Jersey my friend FELL walking down the street and KNOCKED TWO TEETH OUT and had to go to the HOSPITAL. She was fine I guess and and I have to say one of the many reasons shes my friend is because she has a great attitude and doesnt let shit like HER TEETH BEING KNOCKED OUT get her down and makes the best out of everything, so she still wanted to stay in the city until Sunday...
So I pick up Jersey and we head upstate. We arrive late, check into the hotel and wake up in the a.m and have breakfast with my sister at a new restaurant in town. I order the PANKCAKE DUMPLINGS which is basically a BOWL FULL OF DOUGHNUTS. Its totally delicious but also TOTALLY GROSS. I mean its SO BAD FOR YOU, but I enjoyed it and ate it with a RASPBERRY CHOCOLATE MUFFIN ON THE SIDE...ya know, because you NEED your carbs in the morning right?!?! So after the dessert for breakfast we head to the Lake so Jersey can see where I played, worked, etc as a kid. I show him the village and we climb to the top of Prospect Mountain to see the view and then head to Manchester Vermont so he can get his magnet.
We do and are in Vermont for an hour before we decide to head back to Lake George to go to the OUTLETS and eat at a place called THE LOG JAM, where the menu is ON A STICK but I PROMISE its good and they actually have a BREAD BAR!!!!! My dream!!! We EAT TILL WE WANNA PUKE and decide to have a FULL TILT BOOGIE upstate new york experience and visit Saratoga to show him the houses and the track where I also worked and to have a sip from the famous springs which Jersey does, and PROMPTLY SPITS OUT because I neglected to tell him it tastes like SULFUR.. but if I had told him he NEVER would have taken a sip so now he can say he drank from the miracle springs of Saratoga... After about a half hour of that we decide instead of going back up north to Glens Falls why not got to ALBANY and get a hotel there because at least they have three gay bars to go out and its Saturday night, so why not see what its like. Now I happen to know that Albany is a PEST HOLE, but Jersey doesnt, but as soon as he sees the gay bar and "club" hes says "You know what? I dont have to go out tonight." Which of course I more then happy NOT TO.
So we decide to find a hotel and just crash there and ride down to NYC tomorrow a.m. We try the first hotel...no vacancy.. Really?!.. ok.. the second hotel... No vacancy... REALLY?! Who the hell is staying in ALBANY on a SATURDAY NIGHT?!.. try another.. same thing, no vacancy.. Ok well FUCK IT, there are no hotels available in all of Albany so lets just get on the highway and stay at one of the hotels along the way.... BAD IDEA.. hotel after hotel is SOLD OUT.. EVERY SINGLE HOTEL FROM ALBANY TO NEW JERSEY IS SOLD OUT?!?!? Were getting to the end of the line here and are nearly at Jerseys' home town when FINALLY we find a hotel with a "room"... SORT OF. The manager tells us its not supposed to be available but being that its 1 am and he could tell we were HAGGARD and FREAKED OUT because this was like the 15th hotel we tried he offered a room "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" to us which we were so desperate we couldnt say no to, so he told us to come back in a half hour and he would put sheets and pillows on the bed. So we headed to WENDYS and and I ate a HAMBURGER SANDWICH called "The BACONATER" which was AWESOME and GROSS, like most of my food choices this weekend.
After downing my hamburger with an OREO FROSTY we head back to the hotel, its now 2 a.m. We walk in the lobby with our bags and look and smell like SERIOUS GRUBS....I smell like B.O and BACON.. in a NON FETISH MANNER mind you.. anyways were in the lobby and the manager is nowhere to be found. Jersey decides to go find him, and he does, the guy was in the room "sorting it out". He walks back behind the front desk and is like " Ummm ....errr.... I cant give you the room" .. My EYEBALLS roll out of my skull, we just sit there shocked and dont even ask why and after an awkward minute of us just sitting there catatonic he says " The room has BED BUGS and thats why it was shut down and I didnt know it, im so sorry, I will try and find you a room somewhere else." The dude takes out a yellow pages and starts calling everywhere to no avail. Now the thought of BED BUGS could not get out of our heads so as were sitting there were like scratching ourselves and realize "WE HAVE GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE?!!"
We literally only have one place left. JERSEYS MOMS HOUSE?! Remember my friend KNOCKED HER TEETH OUT and was in my apartment so I didnt want to call her and be like " Um were here... heres your car... BYE" Now mind you Jersey lives with his MOM, like EVERY rican I know, and is also "CLOSETED" like EVERY RICAN I KNOW. So him showing up a 2 am with his POLLOCK LOVE SLAVE isnt exactly awesome company. SO he SMUGGLES ME INTO THE BASEMENT. Remember im 6 4" and Im as stealthy as a BABY ELEPHANT and this is like this super low ceiling basement with pipes where there is an "apartment" that his straight cop brother used to live in. Now the funny part is how many times have I, OR YOU, seen a hot rican cop and thought "DAMN, I wanna wake up in his bed!?" Well god GIGGLED and made my dreams come true! Except it was totally in the NON SEXIEST MOST UNFETISH MANNER. I had to curl up on what I would consider a COT and try to sleep which I actually did almost instantly I was so tired. I was woken up by Jersey early because we had to get the hell out of there before everyone woke up and found a COW IN THE BASEMENT.
Yes it was a semi nightmarish ordeal but to be honest I slept well and it was kinda fun feeling like I was 15 again but God if youre listening I DONT NEED TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN! I promise I wont complain about my studio apartment in the village for at least 24 hours! :)

14 comments:

Race said...

I read the whole thing, which is in itself an effort but it was so entertaining. And real. I had a similar experience once, so I can relate. As I was reading, a sign kept flashing over my head OVER AND OVER AGAIN...NOW WASN'T PARIS NICE!!!!!?????

youreviltwin said...

ugh... bed bugs are gross. i was a janitor at a resort one time and one of the rooms got bedbugs and they tried to make me spray it, but i refused (copius bug spray in an enclosed space- um, thanks but no thanks, CANCER!)although i did see the bedbugs, and they are evil looking and totally creepsville.

Anonymous said...

i wanna be that sammich. that is all.

Erik said...

Too bad Jersey isn´t out so you can´t post his photo (not even if you cropped his head off the photo...?)

Jay said...

You're like the gay fetishy hot version of David Sedaris.

nsfw said...

Albany, Yikes!
I had an overniter there this summer... one wrong turn and you're in a favela.
Never again!

Meanwhile, b.o. 'n bacon... total chubbed !!

butch said...

i loved your story.
butch
http://studsucker.nibblebit.com/

Anonymous said...

go for 6' 5" in the next story, and a year younger

Anonymous said...

Only you Dave, only you!

I am even more fascinated by your relationship with "Jersey"...I am thinking there is an epic gay love story there to be told!

-G

Joel said...

Now this is a reality show I'd love to watch! Give LOGO a call.

Anonymous said...

Hey David -

I LOVE your stories, but I HATE your metabolism. It's just not fair you can eat what you do.

JW

ps - I have an irrational fear of bedbugs. The thought of them totally freaks me out. I have nightmares about them. UGH.

fairviewsue said...

Hmm. I think I had more fun in DC at the Equality March than you did! Who the hell was in Albany and why??? It was kind of like a Christmas story; no room at the inn. Where was baby Jesus to stay? Who was baby Jesus in this parable anyhow?

David Mason said...

Yes! I even said that to Jersey.. Sort of.. I said "Wow were like Mary and Jesus!" and then I realized that its Mary and Joseph... Whos JOSEPH?!?! I dont know any of that religious stuff, thank GOD.

Anonymous said...

It's dam not damb, hon.