Sunday, December 20, 2009

CHILLY in Philly!...The all new, all XXX, LATINOS on ICE review!

So I heard a blizzard was headed our way so what could possibly be a better time to drive to Philadelphia with my Puerto Rican fetish top for no damn reason?!!
I had only been to Philadelphia once before for a day trip which was sorta uneventful being that the main reason that my friends and I were going there for, which was the Mutter Museum, I refused to go into because its a museum about HORRIBLE DISEASES and PHYSICAL ANOMALIES/ DEFORMITIES which are one of the things I CANNOT HANDLE as I can NEVER get the images out of my brain, like the time as a child on vacation in Cape Cod I saw the INDIAN MAN with the WORLDS LONGEST FINGERNAILS take his hands OUT OF BAGS on Ripleys believe it or Not on TV when it was hosted by JACK PALANCE and I almost THREW UP my WENDYS FROSTY that I was sipping on SIGHT. they were so gross and NATURALLY STRIPED and BROWN AND YELLOW ...omg im gunna hurl... So needless to say I didnt wanna go in and thus didnt see much of that museum or Philly being we just got on the train after they saw it and told me that people with GIGANTISM have NON DEVELOPED SEXUAL ORGANS...that SUCKS?! .
Anyways, Philadelphia is REALLY CUTE! Like WAY cuter then Boston which is working the same schtick and not nearly as BLACK as half of the NON BLACK people will WHISPER to you under their breath when you tell them youre going to visit Philadelphia... Sorry to betray my non black brethren while simultaneously confirming my family of ancient african ancestries paranoia but its TRUE.. White folk and friends TOTALLY talk behind your back, but dont think its just YOU, they talk shit about gays too, maybe WORSE even! So dont think white people hate black people, people mostly just hate anyone whos not the same color AND straight AND the same religion, this sign I saw there is a GREAT example of CUNTING CHRISTIAN RAGE... as if they didnt just MAKE UP THE HOLIDAY over another more popular at the time PAGAN one and it isnt a FACT any PRIEST MUST confirm?!..anyhow..Im sorry I digress but I get angry at PIOUS CUNTS acting like its THEIR DAY ONLY and anyone different is RUINING THEIR DAY unfortunately for small big cities like this theyre not mixed enough for total openess ( or fear of being punched in the face by the person youre cunting) and can fall victim to embarrassing things like this being printed over their city. Anyways, I feel if youre black AND gay somehow they might cancel each other out and they probably LIKE YOU because youre a "double negative" which somehow is FUN and theyll just treat you slash WISH youre HOLLYWOOD from MANNEQUIN... Lord knows thats MY secret wish every time I meet a male of African decent!!! For REAL, If I knew more GAYS LIKE HOLLYWOOD FROM MANNEQUIN I think my life would only get BETTER AND BETTER with EACH AND EVERY ONE!?! So far my count is only ONE, and her name is XANDER, but I must say in this category ONE IS A LOT!!!!...


So it was the second biggest snowfall in history for Philly which surprised me because i was just sorta like "whatever". Im not saying that to sound jaded, but really, its just snow. I could understand if its ICE .. ICE SUCKS HARD but snow is CHARMING. I dont get how people cant handle it, and speaking of people who CANNOT HANDLE THEIR SNOWFLAKES my RICAN FETISH TOP was ALL OVER THE PLACE when he tried to make it down the snowy streets. He looks like LINDA EVANGELISTA the time she made a "return" to the runway and showed up BLOATED and DRUNK and WOBBLY and had to RETURN HER FEE because she was so sloppy COMBINED with the time PAT CLEVELAND tried to make her "return" on the runway and acted RETARDED and METHY and they didnt even want their money back they just wanted her to LEAVE... NOW... ( Lesson... if youre a former super model DONT try and make a "BIG COME BACK" the pressure makes you behave STRANGELY...in a BAD way) anyways I digress, I must ask has anyone else out there taken their SOUTH OF THE BORDER sex partners back to your home in LAPLANDS and enjoyed the HYSTERICS of your FORMERLY/FAMOUSLY COORDINATED Romeos antics as they try and make it in the snow?! I FORGOT HOW FUNNY IT WAS!!! The first boyfriend I ever had was an ALCOHOLIC MEXICAN FROM LA and seeing him on ice was BETTER THEN BAMBI...BEANBI!?! Youd think those RUNTY LEGS would be good for slick surfaces but NO! Now that Ive seen my RICAN ON ICE I know that just because you have the moves in bed does NOT mean it translates to ALL SURFACES. He almost FELL ON HIS FACE twice, which is cute to see because usually IM THE COW but now that we were on MY TURF I was a GAZELLE! Its funny that I inherently know how to walk better in the snow then he does not being used to it. I forgot that there is a trick to it, and for those TROPICAL BREEDS out there, the trick is THINK LIKE A GEISHA, tiny fast little steps!
We couldnt do much because most everything was closed because of the snow. So we went back to the room and I ate his butt out for about 5 hours and then we napped. We woke up to go to WOODYS and had ONE DRINK and it was FINE, just like every other small big city gay bar in America. Then we went to INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES and I ordered a PHILLY CHEESESTEAK, AND GINGERBREAD PANKES, AND SCRAMBLED EGGS, AND THREE SAUSAGES, AND THREE STRIPS OF BACON, AND HASHBROWNS...... GURL was PECKISH.
We woke up the next day early because the hotel WOULD NOT GIVE US A LATE CHECK OUT?!?! so "Jersey" my fuck buddy was surprisingly motivated and had THINGS CIRCLED in the tourist magazine to go see?! I was actually happy to do the stuff he highlighted because I now realize if he didnt I woulda just driven home and stopped at Target on the way and considered it a VACATION. One of the nice things about Philly is that its TINY everything on the map was in walking distance of each other, even in almost two feet of snow. We went to a semi dilapidated Macys that was also sorta Grand though and watched a REALLY DATED light "show", which in this day and age is just out shined by anybodies SHOWY NEIGHBOR, that was narrated by the "incomparable", as Macys claimed, Juile Andrews and if I worked for Macys Id write the SAME DAMN THING but I WOULDNT BELIEVE IT, in fact Id just think the "REALLY BRITISH LADY I NEVER GOT INTO" acting lady JULIE ANDREWS. We could only handle about 3 minutes of the show before leaving, but Im actually happy I did it, its that kinda christmas stuff you do that makes you remember what you did last year and its kinda sweet.


There was actually a cute little home shop around the corner that had a lot of cute little gift things youd buy your friends, and I did. I bought a coffee mug with brass knuckles attached for my best friend. They had a cute necklace with a hammerhead shark pendant that I thought was neat but it was 16" and that wouldnt fit my arm let alone my neck so I had to pass, actually there were a bunch a cute charms, a cupcake (tired, but I like them and just wish girls who watch sex in the city didnt ruin them), a narwhale, and some other stuff I cant remember but the hole you attach them to a chain with were all too small as well. We then went BACK TO IHOP because we were feeling CONTINENTAL and I ordered the SAME THING as last night?!?! Except I had EGGNOG PANCAKES this time and they were EVEN BETTER. As someone who lives in Manhattan I can honestly tell you chain restaurants are WILDLY UNDER APPRECIATED!!! There is something MAGICAL about a GIANT MEAL of PURE GARBAGE that is DELICIOUS and CHEAP, perhaps its only comparable to those magical feelings that you could only find this time of year?!?!?!?... twinkle, twinkle, sparkle, sparkle...fade swipe of snowflakes...

11 comments:

MikeyG said...

lol David - i love snow too... You shoulda got down on your hands and knees for the pic in front of "Doggy Style"... :P

raul1188 said...

hah. i like how casually you mentioned the eating his ass out part. it caught me off guard.

fairviewsue said...

What is not to love about Philly in a blizzard??? I was there for the big one in 1996! They had almost 3 feet of snow and I had to go down there for urgent business with a colleague of mine, who just happened to be gay. We took Amtrak and cabbed it once we arrived. We didn't want to rent a car, because there were none available since the locals had them all rented. What an adventure we had!
We stayed at the Rittenhouse, that was back when big pharma let us stay at 4 & 5 star places, for the better park of a week. We had a blast, as I am sure you can imagine from your own experiences.

Gerry said...

I died at BEANBI.

Kurt Walters said...

hey.. any chance you have a video of Linda's come back? For some reason I've never heard / or seen this calamity and would like to see the human side of one of my idols..

David Mason said...

I dont, she was in a navy blue dress, I forget who for... That pat cleveland one was better she just acted WEIRD and like a little girl and people were creeped out.

Richard said...

10 years ago I "forced" you to go to philly on the nj transit/septa trains. I looked up what I wrote about it then and I was shocked to see the indian man fingernail reference!!!

"The Museum itself is inside the College of Physicians of Philadelphia. A lady at the cash register is one of the only people who works there its seems. David was being a chicken and claimed that seeing monstrosities has a bad effect on him, like ever since seeing that Indian man with 4 foot long curly fingernails at Ripley's he cannot eat Fritos. And despite a lot of "c'mons!" and even the cash register lady telling him how "interesting" the museum is, he still refused. So David sat in the lobby."

Dan said...

Oh David...every one your blog entries is like a window into a demented, glittering spooge covered world.

Thank you!

David Mason said...

lolol SEE RICHARD, I DONT LIE!!!! and Thank you Dan!

swine said...

Thanks for the photo of ur IHOP snack -- it does look tempting. Makes me want to leave Manhattan just to find one. Kinda wish u could include a pic of ur other meal -- Jersey's fine Rican ass. U did spend 5 hours on that one so it must look delish too.

RJ said...

David
You need to be writing a memoir/bio...the stuff you let slip here on the blog is too much fun and written in such a fun manner it would be a shame not to pull it all together in a memoir about your life and times...pls tell me it is so