Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hells Kitchen is burning!


I moved here a month ago and I havent really talked much about it. I have to say Im really surprised to say I like it. I will keep this info short and in contrast to where I lived for 7 years which was the village on 12 st between 6th ave and 7th ave.
This neighborhood is WAY MORE GAY. When I told my therapist I was moving to Hells Kitchen, he said "Oh youre moving to the center of the gay universe." I knew it was gay but I but I didnt know it was "center of the gay universe" gay and its not really, its GAY but its not like chelsea. I walked through Chelsea a couple days ago and that is still GGGGGAYHAY but Hells Kitchen has a lot of gays but also a lot of "people" which a contrast from where I used to live that until moving here I didnt realize was so cunty and starched and bleached and STRAIGHT. I have to say there are VERY FEW FAMILIES here, its FIERCE! You dont encounter the misguided rage of HORRID HOUSEWIVES who thought they would out do their girlfriend and her bf with their PET FRENCHY and decided to have a PET CHILD with their CLOSETED HUSBAND.... Ugh that shit would IRK me to NO END, sorry but the VILLAGE is NOT the place to raise a kid, its SELFISH of you to raise a kid in a BOX for 4 million dollars. My mother was from QUEENS and was selfless enough to move and raise me in "the country" where I could actually RUN AMOK and swing from trees in a SWAMP and MAKE WILDLY DANGEROUS BOOBY TRAPS IN THE WOODS in the hopes of CATCHING TROLLS!... sadly the only TROLLS these kids are gonna catch are the last OLD QUEEN DINOSAURS who are holding on to that rent control apartment for dear life even though all their friends have either moved to palm springs or HEAVEN ( I had potential to become one of these queens until THANKFULLY I snapped out of it and realized rich and white and straight BLOWS) .... anyways I digress in my free floating rage towards millionaire conservative families moving to gay neighborhoods and then hating on the gays who live there...The village sucks, dont go there its a dead zone...but I really wasnt so aware until I moved here.
Hells Kitchen is FAR YOUNGER and actually A LOT MORE FUN then the village. My landlord and neighborS are gay and theyve all been cool about introducing themselves and inviting me to dinner etc. Its sorta cool actually, it feels much more like an UPSCALE DORM and I sorta love it which im really surprised to say because on paper I feel like I would HATE THAT but its just sorta rad.
OH?!...THERE ARE NO BEGGARS ?!?!? Its amazing but when I lived in the "classy" neighborhood I had TWO beggars on EVERY BLOCK and they SUCKED! No matter how much I tried to appreciate their "quirkisms" hearing the SAME "comedy" beggars shtick for SEVEN YEARS makes you want to HUNT THEM IN THE DARK. I grew to be annoyed by them ALL, "High Honey", the jamaican, the guy who JUST lost everything for SEVEN YEARS, the FAKE CRIPPLE lady ( who I LOVED to yell "FAKE!" at as I walked by), the old red head who was constantly FAKE CRYING, they ALL SUCKED, EXCEPT for SNOWFLAKE! Snowflake was the MUTE, BLACK, TRANNY who would wear an ALL WHITE SNOWBOARDING OUTFIT and SWISS MISS WIG with SILVER mascara EVERY DAY no matter how hot, and try to hand YOU MONEY?! She could stay, she scared the roaches, aka unconsciously breeding heterosexuals. Snowflake was great, you have no idea how WONDERFUL a MUTE BEGGAR is until you have a tone deaf old jamaican man with a GROSS dreadlock mushroom cap on scream/spit "Can you THSPARE some CHANYGE!!?" at you EVERYDAY, TWO TIMES A DAY when after SEVEN YEARS the only thing youve thrown him is SHADE! Get it through that CROCHET MUFFIN TOP of a beret/SLEEPING BAG that after seven years of asking two times a day you MIGHT do better with saving whats left of your alcohol burned vocal chords for someone more lucrative?!! I dunno why, youd think in the neighborhood that is less ritzy youd have MORE beggars but I honestly have only been panhandled ONCE here, its fantastic and a definite quality of life step up from the village. They all must go to the rich neighborhood because they get more $$$. A few people have told me it was because the emergency room was across the street but I live across the street from a place for MICA FOLK here and there is no begging so I dunno if that concept is so accurate.
My only two complaints about the new neighborhood is every weekend but once there has been a party around me till 1 in the morning which im ok with considering that gives me license to have one and now that I have the space I WILL. The other complaint is there isnt a good grocery store. My old place had THREE. Im so happy that those are my only two complaints, taking the subway everyday is new for me but I think FORCED SOCIALIZATION is good for me. I just need to get over my anxiety that at the 42 st stop the train is going to EXPLODE and that im going to SURVIVE with a BURNT FACE and BLOWN EARDRUMS... its my fear and its not MAJOR but I honestly do think about it EVERY TIME the train goes through there but the more I take it the more I get over this hopefully irrational fear :)
I say MOVE HERE now if youre considering it, its WAY BETTER then any place else I lived. It feels like NYC 10 years ago, like there are little shops that were priced out of lower NYC and theyre all open here, the glittery home furnishing store, the bodybuilder stripper clothes store, the people obsessed with their abs restaurant, etc etc etc. Yes there are TONS of bars here but they kinda suck because there is not ONE that youd want to admit picking a DUDE up in. I mean would YOU want to say you met a HOT GUY at a place called BARTINI?! Um gross, but I plan on providing a solution to this dilemma, and YES the gays here are a little "theatery" and not bench press savvy but I think the because of the fact that ALL the gays are moving here now that will all change soon because its gone from a niche neighborhood to the place where you can still find a good opportunity for yourself and be around other gays. I mean I was in the drugstore and there were twenty somethings shopping in high heels for fun and just today I went into the bathroom at Starbucks and it REEKED of that CUTTING stench that can only known as OPENLY BLOWN CUM-WAD... HURRAY for Hells Kitchen! ... and NO it WASNT MINE!?!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

But, David, you forgot the part of the story where your charming and selfless (and so handsome) ex-boyfriend suggested to you YEARS ago that you (or we) should move to Hell's Kitchen, and your RAGE FILLED response was, "NOOOO, I MUST NEVER LEAVE THE WEST VILLAGE, I CAN OOOOOOOONLY LIVE ON 12TH ST!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" Luckily, I hear that he doesn't hold grudges...I'm delighted you found a better home. :)

Aaron said...

Oh DEAR...your on a roll today, or should I say a TROLL, friggin hilarious!

JiffyJim said...

I love that you casually mention your therapist as I'm a big believer in therapy & that's it's something that can be freely talked about...as usual, the rest is funny & rivoting :)

David Mason said...

If you live in NYC and you dont have a therapist or have had one before for a decent amount of time then youre just asking for trouble or live in a dreamworld.

Race said...

Funny, but...ummm...I thought you were going to keep it....short?! LOL

LUCIEN said...

I am sure your new neighbors are so glad to have your new exciting personality & savior faire in their midst too . It sounds like an eclectic neighborhood of energy

Anonymous said...

ninth ave saloon, posh, therapy, vlada barrage and the ritz are all plenty respectable gay bars to pick up doods....

Altair Drexel said...

Vlada for sure and Vandam (not quite HK but love it). Can't wait to get back in January.

faginlove said...

Yes I can tell you are more relaxed in your new place, the rant is gentler and looser. (just as funny tho!)