Saturday, December 26, 2009

How To: Hang the GIANT portrait you got as a present! a.k.a Whats grosser than gross?

Step 1: POINT TO WHERE YOU WANT THE HOLE DRILLED and be sure pieces like this are mounted over your employees work stations as "MOTIVATIONAL MEDIA". Remeber NOT TO BE INSULTING and have your straight assistant do the drilling, even if youre much larger and this entire process would just be easier if you got off your ass and did it yourself. He will feel emasculated if you dont let him do it so even if he is precariously placed high a top a teetering barstool with POTENTIALLY DEADLY/ PHALLIC object d'art underneath him. Remove yourself from the equation and just BE KIND AND POINT.

Step 2: BE HELPFUL and hand him the drill, but be sure you hand it to him SWIRLING DRILL BIT FIRST, and be sure to PULL THE TRIGGER just before he grabs it. This will FRIGHTEN HIM and be sure to remind him of his MORTALITY. Its always good to remind people in your employee that their FATE is in YOUR hands.

Step 3: CONCENTRATE VERY CAREFULLY and dont allow ANY FORM OF INTERRUPTION, whilst you decide on what is the best song on your itunes for this kind of "hard labor" scenario going on in your apartment.

4. Take little pieces of masking tape and tape the loops at a 45 degree angle so you can easily get the loops on the nails. This is actually a GREAT TIP and I SERIOUSLY recommend it for any time youre hanging a picture with rings otherwise its a fucking nightmare.



JiffyJim said...

Nicely done :-)

Race said...

You are a coniving game playing fuck. But I kinda like you.

Erik said...

hahaha beware or one night phil is going to have your scalp!

Lucien said...

Your duct tape trick was INVALUABLE - I just used it to hang a ring hanged antique mirror my best friends gave me for Christmas - what a nice trick Mr Tool Guy !

nsfw said...

I just hung a honking big Andy on the wall... alone!
It's actually perfectly straight thanks to the iPhone level app.
But I am paranoid of earth tremors knocking it smashing to the ground...
...perhaps next time I should ask you to kindly send one of your minions over.

fang said...

funniest chit EVAR!