Monday, January 11, 2010

I know Im late on this but....heres my "Jersey Shore" in the sack predictions.

Anyone who reads my blog knows I appreciate a Jersey dude. Hence the fuck buddy called JERSEY, LONG before "Jersey shore" mind you, but I have to say I find the show very watchable. Yes its awful and yes theyre retarded but theyre also somehow real and as horrible as they are SOMEHOW some humanity peeks through. Im from upstate NY but the Jersey kids would come up during the summer to the lake and we all HATED THEM, BUT, they were hot. A 14 year old guido may as well be 27 where when I was 14 I looked 10. They SUCKED HARD growing up because they were just so aggressive and LOUD even by our standards which is LOUD. A friend I made in California used to live in Jersey as a kid and randomly said to me "Jersey kids are so mean?!, they used to throw ROCKS at me and call me the Extra Terrestrial!" and I was like "They used to call ME E.T too!!!" I dunno what it is. Im thinking like most of these tiny cultures where men are actually the boss and masculinity rules (which most places I dont think are even though were led to believe this is standard, I think most cultures the lady secretly wears the pants) baby guidos dont really get to be innocent very long before some douchebag squashes it and they have to start acting like a DOUCHE as well before someone throws rocks at them too. We at least only had to deal with them for the summer and then they retreated back to their SWAMP LAND LAIR.
Anyways I have to say I happily watched a bunch of episodes yesterday and caught up. How entertaining is it to see bug sized Snookie take repeated SHOTS TO THE HEAD?! Its almost as good as watching her do CARTWHEELS, IN A THONG, AND A TUBE DRESS, on the dance floor. Dancing she looks like one of those HICKORY STICK PUPPETS that southern mountain people make dance on their knee while PLAYING THE SPOONS and the WASHBOARD.. do you know what Im talking about?? She cartwheels like a MUPPET, its awesome. Which brings me to their dancing.. OMG its AWESOME?! They "battle" if you havent seen it, SEE IT!. They put on these sparkly t shirts and then act all aggro, its PURE ROIDS REALNESS, I speak from experience. BEDAZZLING CLUBWEAR is SUCH a good idea on the mones! You simultaneously wanna wear DIAMOND STUDDED CLOTHING while fighting, AND FUCKING! The concept is VERY SOUND on "the sauce" I cant judge them, Ive been there. The last time I did mones I wanted this Swarowski CRYSTAL BUTT PLUG JEWELRY...BAD!...
Which brings me to the point of this piece. I think I have a pretty decent idea as to how these guys are in the sack. I will speak of them as though their gay but I bet a solid 50% can be applied to their actual sex lives. Not necessarily the acts per say but the attitude and concept for sure.

"The Situation" : For me he goes from hot to GROSS and I think I might like him more then I let on because hes the first one whos pics I looked up. I like his attitude but you KNOW he TOTALLY SUCKS in bed. At least as far as vanilla sex is concerned because I think hes too much of a douche to actually give YOU anything, too selfish and more wrapped up in being able to say he did you then actually delivering. I think hed just sit there and want head and be a two pump chump in fucking BUT I think he would make a great FETISH TOP as he has an acid tongue and a BIG MOUTH so hed give you good verbal and come up with good creative insults to throw at you but something tells me if he was into fetish he wouldnt be a top.. MAYBE .. MAYBE he could be a good fetish dom serving you that cocky selfish thing but something in my well tuned fetish radar tells me he wants to be DOMMED by an ASIAN TRANNY and get his NUTS KICKED IN with her tranny boots... I dunno I can just see it. Im feeling that CBT, nationality fetish, and trashy lingerie would be buzz words for him.... maybe forced feminization because hes such a control freak about his looks and abs and so hyper aware of his "masculinity" that I think forced feminization would be a NEEDED RELEASE for him... but i dunno, but I think ASIOID ( and Im talking STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT) TRANNY DOMINATRIX for surz!

Pauly:
Pauly is actualy the OLDEST of the bunch, I thought "the situation" would be. I think Pauly would be into PUTTIN ON A SHOW. The kind of dude who likes freaky positions and does that whole "one foot on the mattress the other on the ground" doin you doggie style at an angle and talkin all PORNO JABBER. I think he might be the best lay but also because I think hes so "performative" that once you fucked him a third time youd be like "He does the same fuckin OTT routine every time". I think hed be the best lay even though i think hes the least sexy but I do think he would come off as performative which is annoying after a couple times because when you realize its somehow not as hot and crazy as you thought and is much more "hollow" and "performative". Hes just reinacting the pornos hes watched which somehow makes it less hot but only after a THIRD hookup. Pauly would be fun but you wouldnt do him for very long I think.


Ronnie:
Ronnie is a RAGING BOTTOM. Its written all over him. Little boy in a gorilla suit. Hes cute and sexy but ALL BOTTOM and if he was gay would be a FISTING BOTTOM. Hes the dude we all know, everybody thinks hes hot but hes a closed off twat because hes just a big bottom too and doesnt wanna top your faggot ass and is frustrated that because hes buff all these bottoms want him but he just wants someone who is a TOP to approach him and KNOCK HIS ROID CRAZED TWAT UP. Hes got a hot body and all but only useful if youre a TOP, which almost NONE OF US are, so I guess we BUMP TACOS with him for a hot moment but I at least get bored DYKING IT UP if its not gonna lead to some doggy style action.

Vinnie:
Vinnie is my favorite actually, he seems sweet. Would be perfectly good in vanilla and is young enough to want explore something freaky. Vinnie is the most datable and the cutest in my book. Id do Vinnie cause hes sweet and the least processed which reads as more DUDE to me. Pauly might give you a better show but I think vinnie is more steady and over time would give you a much better pay off. Vinnie would wanna be yer bf and bring you ice cream and stupid presents and stuff and be thoughtful. I pick Vinnie.

15 comments:

Erik said...

For one night I´d definitely pick Ronnie, but I think The Situation would be the one to keep me entertainted the longest... and he´s got those wily expressive eyes too!

Dayglo said...

Sadly, I'm addicted to Jersey Shore AKA The Veal World. Those kids gotta put a stop to the tranny/Gotti brow thing and the ghastly Christian Audigier knock-offs. They are otherwise enchanting. I dug it when Snooki exclaimed "They effed my face up again!" Fucking classic.

nsfw said...

Wouldn't they all reek of Axe?
(or worse yet Roberto Cavalli!)

I guess I'd have to do Ronnie, but I'd have to first dump him in the pool, or force a shower on him.

Mike said...

This is the BEST review ever! Snooki Wookiee?!? Priceless.

Anonymous said...

damn, i def like Ronnie the best...the fact that he is a muscular maculine bottom only makes it better for me!!! haha. nothing like a hot manly buff dude turning into my little bitch in the sack...

Stan said...

What amazes me is how much of their lifestyle mirrors that of a fags. What with the whole "G.T.L." thing..Gym, Tanning, Laundry routine. The only exception is when it comes to their going out to the bars to score and bring a chick home the whole thing falls apart. As you know when we bring another guy home or go to his place you know your gonna get some cock for sure!
The whole Seaside thing is so way off. High School is when you go to Seaside. By the time your in your 20's its time to move on (or up) to Belmar. This is where this show got it all wrong IMO.

witomski said...

Ahhhh....I like them buff 'n dumb, but not so dumb that they can't find their way home.

Anonymous said...

"Bump Tacos"...LOL....priceless as "Clydesdale Pussy"!

-G

Randsome7 said...

I think you said verbatim what every body thinks about RONNIE - such a big muscle pussy

zachary said...

vinny for the win!

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love this show, but for all the talking these guys do, they have NO game whatsoever. I loved when Snickers called out Situation and told him to stop bringing the idiots back to the home. He seems like he can only get paid if he lays. Even the time he had the girl IN HIS BED she got abducted by the grenade and he just ended up with blue balls. Vinnie is definitely the most datable, but Pauly seems like a good guy too. The other two I'm not so sure about.

David Mason said...

vinny for the winny!

ᒣ ᒪ said...

That whole review is dead on! Vinny for the guinea winny for sure - he's the only one bringin full-on Bro Realness. That said, I think The Situation has a really big one. He just has that "big dick face," you know?

David Mason said...

i cant believe i didnt come up with Vinny for the ginny winny first?! Its so good!

gavin said...

I picked Ronnie and I absolutely disagree that a hot body is only good for tops -- I LOVE a good muscleman bottom.

Ronnie was my favorite body and personality wise, until this week when it was revealed he is a homophobic douchebag:

http://www.tmz.com/2010/02/15/ronnie-magro-jersey-shore-homophobic-tirade-mtv-video/

Now I just want to rape him. Consent is now TOTALLY out of the question!