Sunday, March 7, 2010

Woah, Alice In Wonderland sucks out HARD!

I REALLY would have rather watched whatever CRACKERWORLD PRODUCTION of Alice In Wonderland this picture was from, then what I just paid 20$ to see. What a serious BORE. Im not even being JADED when I say that, the CHILDREN sitting around me fell asleep. The movie isnt even "Wonderful" by any stretch, its not pretty, or interesting, or captivating. The characters are are all CHARMLESS. The 3-d just was shitty, you can tell they had a tiny budget for it and just threw that in too, very "Oh just throw in some dandelion things and a couple bugs so the people dont feel used". The art direction felt phoned in a swell. Which is a surprise being that Tim Burton usually grasps on to that because he writes such a shitty story. He'll have a great concept, but it NEVER plays out well. Pee Wees big adventure, Beetlejuice, and Batman were fierce... I dont think any movie hes ever done since that at some point I didnt go " Whaaa???, Huh????" and felt like the whole storyline just got flushed down the toilet, but this movie is DIFFERENT.. Why???...because this movie HAS NO STORY, which isnt really his fault so much being that the story itself of Alice In Wonderland actually isnt so great. The characters are cool but the STORY itself is just sorta an "eh whateva" moment and this movie doesnt change that at all. There is no point to the Mad Hatter even being in the movie. He isnt significant to any kind of story line, because there IS NO story line. I honestly dont even wanna talk about this movie anymore, its not even FUN BAD its just BAD and BORING and SHITTY. I think we need a new "WEIRDO" in charge. Im over Tim Burtons brand of creative.
Oh?!..Why was Crispin Glovers body CGI? ...Just asking if you saw it.
I actually wanted to leave and go on this DATE but it was an IMAX theatre and I was in the middle of the theatre and I was AFRAID OF FALLING as cows arent exactly LITHE and moving through a crowd isnt something I can do with SUBTLETY. So I sat there in ANGUISH as I felt MOLESTED by the MOVIE when there is this completely out of context CGI "FUNKY DANCE" that the Mad Hatter does which is just such a "THROW A BONE TO THE RETARDS" moment its painful. It felt like when they had BOBBY BROWN sing the Ghostbusters 2 theme song and you just went "EWWWWWWWWWW, get me out of here, I feel GREASY and USED?!...... MORE THAN USUAL?!"....


Waldorf said...

bitch i can see where your coming from
but it was a fun movie

opsmainframe said...

Check out this -- I had the same thought:

Anonymous said...

The fact that Tim Burton's an opiate fiend would probably explain why he often fails to deliver once you look past the gimmicky art direction.
Junkies tend to be pretty boring people, in very "uhhhhhhm, nobody's home" kind of way.

Anonymous said...

First off, the picture you choose. When I first looked at it I thought the black patch on the Queen was a censor square. I thought her boob fell out. lol

Anywho, I totally agree with you. While I was entertained it wasn't as good as I had expected. The thing that ruined the movie for me was Johnny Depp. The Mad Hatters look was WAY overdone. I couldn't tell if he was supposed to look pale and gaunt or if he was supposed to look like a drag queen? His contacts were so fake looking. And there was too much of him. The game & CD covers only feature the Mad Hatter. It's not called "The Mad Hatter in Wonderland!" The Queen of Hearts stole the movie for me. I loved her big head.

I also thought the movie was too CGI heavy. Everything was CGI. The actors were all enhanced, some completely CGI created, the sets were all CGI. There was nothing real in the movie.

When I heard Tim Burton was directing Alice in Wonderland I thought we were going to get a great dark twisted version of the story. We pretty much got a half-ass cartoon version about destiny.

Give me Edward Scissorhands or Batman/Batman Returns anyday.

gavin said...


I thought ALICE was absolutely wonderful to look at, but I agree it just isn't entertaining enough.

Not enough conflict, not enough story and most of the "humor" fell flat, ESPECIALLY Johnny Depp's dancing.

You could tell they were trying to play it for big laughs and they thought they were cute, but the people in my sold-out audience were deadly silent. It's just embarrassing for the filmmakers.

Especially because they tried to channel Michael Jackson -- not a full-on parody but an obvious allusion that just didn't work.

RE: WRITING: Tim Burton doesn't actually write the scripts for his films and doesn't care much about them. That's his big problem.

At the most, Tim Burton contributes general story or character ideas to his films and leaves the nuts and bolts of scripting to any human with a pulse.

Visuals have always come first to Tim Burton and writing is expendable or an afterthought to him. You'll notice most of his movies are remakes of classic, well-branded shows or stories, NOT originals. He knows he has no literary talent or interest so he has to rely on stuff that's already proven itself that people will watch just out of habit/tradition/nostalgia.

The result is that Burton's work is hit or miss; not consistently good. It's totally dependent on whether he includes enough of the original source material and whether that's suited for the movie screen.

ALICE, I'm afraid, is not.

We can thank Pee Wee Herman, Phil Hartman and Michael Varhol for the brilliance of PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, Sondheim, et al for SWEENEY TODD and John August for BIG FISH.

Burton himself should only ever get credit for visuals.

AwareGBM said...

I completely agree with you on this. I was fighting sleep hard in the beginning of the movie. My actually fell asleep for half the movie. The only thing I liked about the movie was Helena Bonham Carter(thats a given) the Alice Armor and the Red dress that Alice wore.

The 3D was crap. you shouldn't have to take your glasses off to see whats going on in a 3D movie, should you?

If you get any vibes on the Last Airbender, please let me know.

IMR2D2 said...

I just lost it when the Silkworm (Absolam) had the exact voice of Prof. Snape; I was just waiting for him to say "POTTER." This was the most boring and stupid movie imaginable-- Alice slays the "Jabberwocky?"
Ok, "Jabberwocky" is the name of a nonsense-poem, about a creature named a JABBERWOCK; the word basically means "nonsense."
And what of Humpty Dumpty, the mock-turtle, the walrus and the carpenter?
The Tweedle-brothers also didn't look like that in the book; likewise, the Mad Hatter was a very peripheral character-- NOT

And the above poster is right-- the movie was mixed up, in that the plot was about destiny; this is backwards, since the madness of dreams is what allows one to ESCAPE destiny. Why didn't Alice do something REALLY mad, and make FRIENDS with the Jabberwock(y), and invite it to their tea-party etc?

THAT would mean something-- but following her predestined path has nothing to do with dreams, it's just accepting fate without question.... which is the antithesis of all dramatic purpose.

In short, Burton had no fucking clue WHAT he was doing, and just churned it out anyway-- just like all this other cheap-animation crapola