Monday, May 31, 2010

Ok so im in Bulgaria....

I have access to a computer and two hours to kill so let me fill you in on Bulgaria.
The people walk for "bus driver realness". Ive seen a couple cute guys, actually 2, but they were in a car so I cant really tell the body story and I think I saw maybe one hot hooker or something? He was sexy and buff but standing across the street from me and girls were cat calling him and he was ignoring them whilst cutting a classic Tom of Finland silouette with the leather jacket folded over the forearm effect. Does that mean hooker? i dunno. He was just standing there but not on a street corner, maybe hes new at it and hasnt figured out the corner is the better property to cover? I mean capitalism is still very new for them...
There are TONS of buildings that seem to be under construction but also totally abandoned at the same time. It seems like they came into money three years ago but then lost it all? Its very strange, like very modern glass buildings but then like there will be one of the panels missing and no roof and its a wreck inside and has plants growing in it??? There are homeless dogs running around everywhere but almost no homeless people. Last night there was DISEMBODIED HOWLING out my window which was totally fierce, quite literally. I still have jet lag so I was up at like 4 am watching Bulgarian tv which was odd as it was straight porn and 80s videos?! The porn must have been part of the hotel as it was so RAW and Nasty, those girls were seriously grossing me out. If I were straight I would SO want to PUNCH THEM IN THE HEAD for TOTALLY FAKING IT though?! Like the guy would be BARELY titty fucking her and shes in EXSTASY screaming and moaning... bitch please stop the TRYORY or im gonna PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT... actually I DONT have to be straight to want to punch them in the throat, id totally love to be an on set AUTHENTICITY COORDINATOR and my job would be to THROAT PUNCH a girl if she was convicted of TRYORY of which I would be the judge. I would actually watch the porn holding the remote control over the part of the screen where the girl was and have it on MUTE so i didnt have to hear the fake ass whines those women put out... you KNOW they think theyre good at it too and that guys believe it.. OH and if youre a GIRL it is NOT HOT if you have a BLOWN OUT ASSHOLE... gurl, as a GAY MAN I can personally tell you a BLOWN OUT SPHINCTER on a WOMAN is NASTY.. on a dude I actually sorta get turned on by it but a WOMAN?! Its a double standard I guess but...ewww. I mean REALLY? As a woman youre asshole should be the SPARE TIRE once your va-jj is BLOWN OUT which is acceptable as its really an oriface for HUMANS TO CRAWL OUT OF, but if the butthole is blown too, then youre just a SLOPPY MESS.
The food here is pretty good, very real and classic, meat and vegatables and "clean" feeling. The language I honestly cant tell if theyre speaking Bulgarian or Russian or what, I dont know either but they all say "Dah" which to me sounds Russian but who knows. I also cant tell the writing either, is it Russian and left over from the cold war or is it Bulgarian??.. I dunno enough about either to be able to tell you the difference... it LOOKS Russian at least.
Yesterday I climbed a mountain because I had nothing to do, I climbed till it was FOGGY and you could see my breath which I thought was DRAMATIC and EXOTIC until it started POURING on me and then it was FREEZING and MUDDY and it was thundering so I couldnt hide under a tree so I just HOOFED IT back down the mountain serving nobody but mother nature "Gorillas in the Mist" realness.
Today I fly to the Black Sea and I have no idea what to expect..
Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend..:) more to come..

14 comments:

youreviltwin said...

I wonder if they have AUTHENTICITY COORDINATION classes at my community college? i should change my major. i can be a realness gestapo!

Mathieu said...

Are they all really bummed about loosing Eurovision?

kb said...

the most amazing transition ever written:
"...if the butthole is blown too, then youre just a SLOPPY MESS.
The food here is pretty good..."

love it.

Aaron said...

next time you go on a hike, try wearing FLATS, it might be a little easeir.

rashasha said...

You really haven't said what brings you to such a place as Bulgaria, but, I am sure you'll share if it suits you.

By the way, Bulgarian is its own language, a slavic language, like Russian, but different. Both Bulgarian and Russian use the Cyrillic alphabet, just like French and English both use the Roman alphabet.

Bulgaria, like Russia, had its own Czar for centuries, there should be some exquisite castles and palaces to see!

Mr. Hatfield said...

sounds awesome man!

Erik said...

What on earth are you doing in Bulgaria, of all the places in Europe? It´s like visiting Finland, a place which has absolutely no tourist attractions whatsoever - well at least Bulgaria has the Black Sea. I can´t wait to hear the story about this!

gavin said...

Dave, you don't get to punch women in the throat. There are non-violent solutions to overacting.

What's with all the female hate, anyway? It's not THEIR fault that most men prefer them. Nature is the asshole.

P.S. Bulgarian is a Slavic language, just like Russian and Polish. That's why many of the words and forms are the same.

The Bulgarian alphabet is derived from the same Greek-looking symbols that Saints Cyril and Methodius gave to the other Slavic languages when trying to Christianize and bring writing to them in the Middle Ages.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulgarian_language

brando said...

As an Authenticity Coordinator I'm imagining you seeing cross legged wearing a suit jacket with no shirt and holding a clipboard while wearing glasses.

And once that bitch starts faking, you throw your head back in disgust and quietly and calmly set your cllipboard down, walk over to the young woman and then wale on her throat like a boxer. haha!!

That's the best!!

FLS said...

Vacation time? or modeling time?

Joel said...

Bulgaria, Chalga, Aziz! What more can a tourist ask for?

Race said...

I haven't followed HOV for a week now due to work, so I feel so out of it, but having read the latest Bulgarian post, I'd say, welcome to your faterland. Your background. OK, so you look fantastic and have depth, but hey, its you baby, like it or not?! And as I write this, I am shirtless wearing these super euro 3/4 length Adidas track pants with a nice place for my package. So who's Euro trash now bigger-than-life Americano dude? You or me?!

fairviewsue said...

Yeah, we saw that new construction stopped in its tracks in Madrid, Barcelona and Rome as well. It has to do with the current economic downturn in Europe I guess. Cranes become sculpture.

Women. We could talk. Maybe sometime we will.

Hope you are enjoying your trip! :)

Gerry said...

Ooh, Erik, I'll be visiting Finland in a week. I don't need tourist attractions, though - I'm going to see Grace Jones and Nina Hagen in concert. Yikes.