Sunday, September 19, 2010

Your dog just got demoted....


So I took a falconry lesson this weekend in Vermont. It was pretty awesome, though I would have liked a lot more time as this felt mildly SCHTICKY as it was a beginners lesson so it was very general. Its pretty impressive how the hawk actually comes to you when you call it by raising your arm, and wont come to an ungloved hand mind you. It makes you feel POWERFUL, like some kind of MAGIC FOREST WITCH. Despite having the COLD EYES OF A KILLER, they have very distinct personalities. My hawk was the biggest and a TOTAL PRO, a WORKING ACTRESS ( the girls are bigger then the boys), my friend Beckys hawk was the oldest and a TOTAL BRAT and a CUNT, I think she was OVER IT, and my other friend Daniels was the prettiest and totally did aeronautical stunts and seemed like a BIRD JOCK,
but wasnt exactly the most responsive, though far better then Beckys bird who really could have CARED LESS and KEPT SQUAWKING! You can actually walk through the woods and the hawk follows you in the air, it makes a dog seem really ENTRY LEVEL. Apparently they can see a cricket a quarter mile away, have 200 pounds of pressure with their talons, and the Peregrine Falcon can fly up to 225 miles per hour making it the fastest living thing. The relationship with you and the falcon is very balanced, which means if it doesnt wanna come back, it WONT. So if it doesnt you have these little tricks to lure it back. You play on its instincts and bait it to come to you with this CHOPPED OFF CHICKEN WING ON A STRING that you throw on the ground and the thing CANNOT RESIST a bird on the ground so it swoops in for the kill in a second and starts RIPPING THE THING TO PIECES, then once its there you throw a piece of meat down which it also cant resist, then pull the wing away and then its eaten the meat and the bird has nothing to do so it hops back up on your arm. This is not the kind of thing I recommend wearing your MINK EARMUFFS to!? Which brings me to another interesting fact, until youre walking around with the hawk and you see all the stuff it catches you dont realize there is all kinds of WEIRDO CREATURES around you that you never see. Recently one of their hawks caught a mink and a BLUE HERON?!... which I felt bad about because for the heron that really must have SUCKED?! I mean imagine youre like all NECK and LEG , NADJA AUERMAN OF THE BOG basically, and pair os GIANT SCISSORS come at you at 225 miles per hour FROM THE ETHER, at that point you just have to hope DEATH COMES QUICK as it FLIES AWAY WITH YOUR SEVERED HEAD and your lanky headless body STAGGERS AROUND THE SWAP like Mckenzie Phillips high on DILAUDED taping One Day at a Time!

I think its a hobby I'll take up later in life (falconry that is, not staggering headless in a swamp or re-inacting episodes of one day at a time while high on MEDS) , when I have the time or a place in the country because to get a license it takes like TWO YEARS and theyre TOTAL STICKLERS about the rules... Though I TOTALLY want one, the trainer has some super high agility tiny acrobatic falcon that he says you can actually hold in your hand like a FOOTBALL and LAUNCH IT in the direction of your prey and ATTACK IT... WERK?! Mace is so CRUDE... Im SO carrying a FALCON and starting my collection of MUGGERS HEAD PARTS!

11 comments:

nsfw said...

...perhaps a falcon is the answer to my balcony pigeon issues.

btw, I effin' adore your humpy Thumper T !!

Sue said...

I guess that is why it is the sport of kings. Coolest post evah!

http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/

Holly said...

I can totally imagine the styling of your glove!

gavin said...

Falconry was invented by the Mongols over a thousand years ago.

I've been researching eagles lately (whom the Kazakhs and Mongols also train) and watched a lot of vicious footage of birds of prey in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=JpmFSHW2Wqg&feature=related

They're much more bad ass than I knew!

Apparently, Mongols and Kazakhs train eagles like dogs to hunt smaller animals, then release them into the wild after a few years.

P.S. I think you mean "pair of giant scissors come at you at 225 miles per hour from the ETHER."

Ether means "the upper regions of space : heavens." "ETHOS" means "ethic" or "the distinguishing character, sentiment, moral nature, or guiding beliefs of a person, group, or institution." (merriam-webster.com)

Phillip said...

Thats soo awesome! love your story telling!

Mathieu said...

You so beat me to it! I've been meaning to do this and intend to do it 'later on in life' as well as I think it's FIERCE and I'm not a dog person anyway. Only thing is it's illegal in Australia so I would have to do it here in the USA, which is why I haven't done it yet. I think the appeal for me is the flying aspect and also the witchy sorcerer feeling of magic control. When I was doing some research on it I found some crazy people doing it from a PARAGLIDER (which I do as well) in Nepal http://www.parahawking.com/index.php?Itemid=67&id=11&option=com_seyret&task=videodirectlink

Ted said...

I live on the edge of the Dallas-Fort Worth metro area, and the area families have learned: Do NOT leave your tiny little kitty kat in the back yard alone or it will become lunch for one of the hawks or falcons circling around. Me, I'd much rather see a hawk than a dumb cat any day. They're beautiful creatures, whether tamed or 'in the wild' perched on top of a telephone pole.

Jimmy said...

Would you reccomend the place you did it, and if so where was it?

David Mason said...

For sure, It was the Equinox Hotel in Manchester Vermont :)

fang said...

yay - giant scissors of death!

your falcon totally needs some hawt name like 'Xizor' or something :D

James said...

OMG David! Did you notice how in the first pic, Thumper is like like "TRY IT BITCH! SEE IF I DON'T HACK A WING OFF!"