Thursday, December 2, 2010

Youre perfect.

Recently an exasperated perfectly handsome friend of mine asked me a question thats hard to ask, and probably even harder to answer, but its a VERY valid question and I think I had a VERY valid answer. Im writing about it because I feel like its something everyone asks themselves but probably doesn't have the nerve to ask a friend. The question was simply "I am tired of being invisible what do I need to CHANGE to get noticed?!" ... UGH tough question right?!
Ok my answer is .. YOURE FINE, and you dont need need to change anything BUT there is a caveat.. If you want a dude with muscles as a bf you MUST HAVE MUSCLES. Im SURE there are exceptions to the rule, and of course you can get a guy with muscles if youre RICH but were talking about someone really liking YOU for YOU, not YOU for your wallet. Now of course you can say "Well if they like you for your muscles then they dont like you for you.", and this IS a valid point BUT Having muscles in my book just evens the playing field for other guys with muscles so now you have something to not only PARLAY but something for you each to RELATE TO. Like I for example would not date a dude who wasnt at least fit because I would feel like I was being RIPPED OFF because I work out so hard and for what?! I once told a friend "I didnt build a mansion so I can live in a shack." which is HARSH and OBNOXIOUS, but imagine you spend your time building a SPORTS CAR and you work on it EVERY DAY and this cute guy comes up to you and says "Wanna trade cars for life?! I have this Toyota corolla type thing, I think, I really dont know much about it, I barely use it." You'd just be like "Um...errrr... Yer cute, but sorry I put too much work into this to give it away to someone who didnt put in as much work on his own car." Now mind you I do not need someone crazy fit, in fact im more comfortable and happy being a touch doughy with a guy who is also a touch doughy or not just not so buff, but its just not gonna happen with someone who doesnt do ANYTHING.... but this wasnt the point of the story.
My friend is ethnically different then many of my and his friends, which is GREAT for all of us ... BUT... this puts him in a QUANDRY. You see he has a hard time being INVISIBLE yet simultaneously different, and believe me I know the feeling, and it HURTS and it SUCKS and its HARD... welcome to my childhood... There is of course NOTHING different about him other then some physical traits which are basically nothing, yet somehow EVERYTHING. He wrote me asking what he needed to CHANGE to be noticed. I said hes fine, which like the rest of us he is, and I also mentioned the muscle situation which I just clarified for you but I also had to mention something someone probably NEVER SAYS to him which is this. The reason why youre invisible to many of "us" is because most of your friends are WHITE AMERICANS and for most white Americans, in my experience at least, we have VERY LITTLE experience with other ethnicities in our childhood therefore we havent developed any form of fetishization or attraction to "others" and therefor we simply dont "see" them as adults. I can honestly say that I can totally appreciate the beauty of an asian or a black guy but to me I see it as no different then looking at a beautiful woman or even a beautiful CHAIR?! I have total appreciation for it, but NO DESIRE TO FUCK IT. Its simply developmental and environmental. This of course is HARD to hear but until you put it into the perspective for a gay guy and say its like looking at a beautiful woman I feel like most people who are attracted to a different ethnicity then themselves have a hard time understanding that many, not most, but lets be honest MANY are only attracted to other people of the same or similar ethnicities. I feel like many people see it as racism, but its NOT. Its environment and developmental and you really cant do anything about it. You couldnt make me attracted to something that I dont even have in my lexicon of sexual interests. You cant tell me my attraction to men is sexist against women... so the same goes for any other person youd put in front of me thats perfectly fine, like everyone is. So therefore you can make ALL THE CHANGES IN THE WORLD, do the BEST marketing of yourself possible, but if youre not reaching the proper audience its going to fall on DEAF EARS. My friend is perfectly handsome but he couldnt see why he was invisible until I made it clear how many of me and my friends feel, its NO SHADE its just not even on our radar, which SUCKS because its HARD TO TAKE. The only way I can relate it to my own experiences is that EVERY DARK HAIRY MUSTACHED TOP DUDE that I think is hot, HATES ME because Im GIANT and it totally intimidates them so they actually DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME because I challenge them simply by BEING PRESENT. Now I know this is different then my friends experience because they are more then not just having me on their radar, they are ACTIVELY AVOIDING ME because I challenge their masculinity by my sheer size, and I know my experience is TOTALLY LESS then my friends but I GET IT, on a much less scale, but I GET IT. It can make you feel like YOU have the problem, which of course is not true. My advice is to be sure youre reaching youre TARGET MARKET. I dunno how, but I KNOW there is SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE and a WEBSITE FOR EVERYONE so GO THERE and find your man, dont keep throwing yourself at someone that isnt gonna see you, it aint gonna work. Its like the times I first went to tranny bars as a kid and saw all these HOT GUYS and I would walk by and get PAID DUST. At first I was like WTF?! and then I just realized yeah these guys might be into "guys" but they are NOT into a YOU type of guy. Its not a read, its just a FACT... Get into it. I could spend my entire life chasing these guys and Id end up a DRUNK.
This thought then brings me to the "What do I CHANGE?" thing. Its TRICKY, you CAN make changes, and changes can be GREAT, but just know youre still gonna be YOU on the inside. I know it sounds cliche but believe me I speak from experience, its TRUE. If you turn yourself into the most beautiful creature possible and thousands of men throw themselves at you, youre just gonna feel FRUSTRATED and maybe bitter if youre not careful and dont work on it, like me, because you'll notice the change and realize that people liking you for something you MANUFACTURED, thats only kinda sorta you, doesnt feel as good as someone laughing with you, understanding you, and GENUINELY APPRECIATING YOU. So go ahead and make changes but I say it all the time in the case of steroids, getting muscles is HOT but it WILL NOT make you happy. Also consider this thing I discovered for myself. Last week I was thinking OMG MY FACE IS SAGGIN' and I was like I NEED A FACE LIFT?! and Im all for keeping yourself up to par BUT as I started to OBSESS I realized that lets say I DID get a face lift and my face was TIGHT and that I looked ten years younger, what would I do then? All I would do is look ten years younger then the people I hang out with and it would be WEIRD. I wouldnt FEEL ten years younger I wouldnt be able to relate to people ten years younger because I'd still be ten years OLDER on the inside and Id look WEIRD surrounded by the people I DO relate to that arent all pulled. I mean what are you gonna do, get a face lift, look ten years younger and then MOVE AWAY to somewhere where nobody knows who you really are and LIE about your age for the rest of your life?! That'd be kookoo. So consider that when youre being hyper critical, its a delicate balance. Im all for a mild control of aging but beware of extreme maneuvers, theyre probably not the right move and more motivated by fear then honest maintenance. Im all for up keep, but dont obsess because then you'll look like one of those 68 year old guys with a face lift and a backwards A&F hat lying on manhunt and saying youre 28.. theres ALWAYS at least one at your gym, In NYC at least and MORE in La ( no shade to LA, I love her)... we simply called ours "27" because that what he said his manhunt age was... he was 65 at least, not kidding....
So to wrap this up, just know youre FINE. Its a tricky balance but go ahead and make some improvements if youre feeling a touch dumpy, but if you try and make too many changes that arent "you" youre gonna have a hard time because you may find yourself appreciated, but not able to accept it because its not going to feel like its YOU thats getting the compliment. Not to mention it might put you out of the running for meeting someone who ACTUALLY IS a great match for you, but because youve made "dishonest" changes simply to get noticed, so they never even got the chance to know "you". Keep it real and youll keep it happy, but just know "real" takes hard work mentally AND physically. Fake is easy, but it wont make you happy, not for long at least.


Braver said...

Aww! Beautiful Post! Sometimes the people are so stupid and blind that they cant see our internal soul. The Body is just a temporal armor.


Unknown said...

great post
makes total sense

Arnold Ziffle said...

Good post Dave. Very thought provoking.

Aaron said...

Wow David, you said a mouthful, I have one comment and one question:
My favorite quote (I think it was Coctaeu) states, "Identify what your ashamed of and develop it to the highest degree, that's who you really are"
And my question for you: If you were a car, what car would you be?

David Mason said...

Hmmm... If I were a car, and That cocteau comment is SO RIGHT, its probably what Edith Piaf based her comment off of which was simply " Use your faults"...
but hmmm if I was a car... I dunno. itd have to be an american model i think and I just dont know cars that well?!

Eric Arvin said...

Refreshing post, Dave. Honest and insightful and right-on.

Kurt Walters said...

I'd be a Bicentenial edition Vega.. (actually my 1st car) with swirling liberty bell, eagle, and star motiv upholstery .. that shit was fucked up.. and now of course I wish I still had it.

David Mason said...

WOW, amazing Kurt... WAIT....I know what id be?!?!?!?

Anonymous said...

this is SOO great! thanks for tackling the topic, d! you done good!

David Mason said...

Thanks Duane!!!:)

Ron Pieket said...

Good post David.

The way I usually put it: gay guys with muscle like guys with muscle, simply because most gay guys do.

And there is one more reason why muscle-heads end up together: they understand the obsessive lifestyle. Personally, I spend at least eight hours a week in the gym, on a very strict schedule, I rather work out than go out, I carry food in tupperware around everywhere, I'm constantly eating, and most of it is GROSS. I scrutinize every nutrition panel, there is the row of supplements on the kitchen counter, I always talk about training, nutrition... It is an obsession that my boyfriend not only has to live with, but also UNDERSTAND and SUPPORT.

Perhaps it's different for the young and genetically gifted, who spend a couple of hours in the gym, drink beer and eat pizza, and still grow muscle... I wouldn't know.

(PS I saw you at Gold's in Hollywood a couple of weeks ago. You're looking great!)

David Mason said...

Thanks Ron!:)

gavin said...

Does your friend want or expect a big muscle queen?

Many gay guys are satisfied with different body types.

If he wants a muscle queen, then YES, he'll have to shape up, because similar types are attracted to each other.

Even if he doesn't want or need a muscle queen, buffing up would make him more attractive with everyone and enable him more options.

"for most white Americans, in my experience at least, we have VERY LITTLE experience with other ethnicities in our childhood therefore we havent developed any form of fetishization or attraction to "others" and therefor we simply dont "see" them as adults."

TRANSLATION: People are racist.

Your friend is living in a majority-white country where even non-whites often prize whiteness as more beautiful and desirable. He WILL have less luck than white people at attracting boyfriends; it will be harder.

But he shouldn't despair because plenty of people are into non-whites. He will make it harder on himself, though, if HE insists on getting a white AND muscley boyfriend.

If you're close enough friends to him, you might have to have the "shoot for somebody in your own league, who shares your interests" conversation with him.

"Its environment and developmental and you really cant do anything about it."

It's sub-conscious racism, but racism nonetheless. That doesn't mean I think everyone should fuck what they're not attracted to.

I bet you're right about it having to do with exposure to other ethnicities in desirable roles. A self-righteousness and comfort with the familiar seems to develop among people unexposed to the foreign.

"You cant tell me my attraction to men is sexist against women."

It IS. But that kind of sexism isn't wrong; it's not a conscious choice.

gavin said...

"EVERY DARK HAIRY MUSTACHED TOP DUDE that I think is hot, HATES ME because Im GIANT and it totally intimidates them so they actually DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME because I challenge them simply by BEING PRESENT."

Thank you for sharing this. I kind of figured that people expect you to be the top and dom all the time because of your height and build, so it must be frustrating.

"just know youre still gonna be YOU on the inside."

EXACTLY. Finding someone with muscles as big as yours is a lot easier than finding someone you CAN STAND when you're not fucking and be socially compatible with.

Unknown said...

You know Dave, you're a real ass motherfucker so whenever you have one of these soul-searching post, whether I agree with you or not, you always present the shit in a interesting way.

Now jumping off your balls and onto the real; I think Gavin hit on a good point. Whiteness is the main facto in America and just like you can't turn 'on' for a black or asian man, you would be surprised to learn that a lot of men of color are automaticaly turned on just for a white guy.

I've seen it and most men of color have seen this; a nice looking brother, nice build nice face... and he's with this ugly-to-avg (and I don't mean that in a mean cunt way but just honest) white dude in the same way your sports car/toyota corolla relationship and you can't help but go 'Umm... wtf?' And you will sit there and wonder if the white guy has money or a big dick or a fetish when the colored dude prolly has a white fetish as well.

*shrugs* We want what we want in the end and even in my holier than thou bs, in my head I see the envisioned partner as white, not because I don't like black men or asian men or latin men or that there is something better about white guys because most of the men in my fantasies are all black (weird, i know) but thats the majority of the men I'm around and get along with and give me attention as a gay man. I don't think as gay men of color we can 'afford' to just date people in our ethnic group like white gay men can. I don't know, pending on your area maybe but for the most I think we in a way feel we have to be open.

And on the height thing... I can honestly say that being a guy whose 5'8" whenever I see a really hot tall man, it is like looking at a pretty woman because my brain just can't see how we'd fit beyond him sitting on my face for one evening. Or two. but to make him the Mrs?

Its like, the farther my head has to tilt up to look you in the face the more my brain turns off to you- my really tall friend calls it a Napoleon complex but its not a 'threat to my masculinity' as much as it just seems 'weird'. After 6'2" my gay reptilian brain just turns off and considers you too different and you essentially turn into a beautiful 'chair' ;-)

And don't feel that bad about it only because I know *tons* of tall men who wouldn't give me the time of day because I bet the more they have to tilt their head to look down its essentially the same thing.

David Mason said...

I can agree with that, I feel it backs up my theory, people not always but often stick to what theyre used to, so it doesnt matter if youre tall and chinese or short and black if you grew up primarily surrounded by short black guys youre very well likely going to be attracted to them when youre older simply by lack of other experiences.
So its not a WHITE thing its a culture thing and this by no means is absolute but its an "often" which is what makes it difficult I think for people who dont fall into the "often" category.
And I dont think gavins comment is all that right on, just because you dont "see" another race or height or any other descriptive term it doesnt mean youre AGAINST it, those are very different things. Racism would be being AGAINST it, not seeing it is simply non reactive which is VERY different then AGAINST something. The term RACIST is thrown around FAR to easily in this country, and other countries think its weird the way we throw it around so easily btw...

JamTheCat said...

Interesting post, Dave. And I'm sure it applies to most people, even if they prefer not to admit it.

Me, I'm a military brat and grew up around all types of guys, so I go less for skin color or ethnicity than certain physical traits and symmetry. Being white, yes -- I'm more attracted to white guys...but I've been involved with Blacks, Latinos and Asians who fit my aesthetic, too.

I'm hit a nice smile, sloe eyes, everything in it trim, solid or stocky...and a well-formed set of legs. I've gone for tall beauties like you (one guy I was involved with was 6'6 and I'm 5'10) and short trim bobcats like others I've known (the shortest a guy who I THINK was only 5'5; he wouldn't tell me), and I usually prefer brunettes to blonds, and since I'm a redhead the guy has to be amazingly hot for me to even consider looking at him if he's one, too.

Famous guys I've been attracted to -- Toshiro Mifune (heartbreakingly beautiful in "Stray Dog")
Warren Moon (I met him while he was with The Oilers, in Houston, and nearly died, he was so HAWT)
Will Smith (such a frisky puppy)
Gael Garcia-Bernal (in ANYthing)
Antonio Banderas (in his Amoldovar phase)

But I know that makes me unusual...and I think it does stem from living in so many different places with so many different kinds of people. It's not like I grew up in one neighborhood with just one ethnic set around me. So I guess it sort of proves your point -- that it's sociological.

Unknown said...

Well you know the classic school of thought regarding racism- that its not so much a feeling as it is a 'system' based on a feeling; power v. privilege like all the -sisms, homophobia, sexism, classism, blah blah blah.

Real talk, I came to understand that when white people talk of racism they automatically hear dogs being unleashed upon blackfolk, somebody was called the n-word, or somebody was hanged. And if these extremes aren't reached, like in some Racism-O-meter in their heads- then nothing is really racist anymore and its all in the colored person's warped imagination and no one is really racist anymore, so it must be something else that they did.

But on the other end, black people and other races see racism just as being treated differently in any situation that in such a way highlights their race whatsoever; walking into a room and being the only one and having the place get dead silent; being looked at in the store a certain way or getting a tone from a salesperson; all kinds of shit. So not getting turned on by a person solely because of their race is racist to a man of color, but not to you.

And between those extremes lies the 'truth' or whatever that is exactly on the issue. Honestly, I have to say that all of the 'I would never...' in the race issue have been wiped out of my head once I found someone of said race I'd do, and I think thats a thing of getting older- 'Never say never'. But I don't think it warrants someone being hounded on as a certified racist in the same category as the KKK. You know how you got to your preferences and you know its nothing evil or mean behind them, so don't worry about it.

Cause I know tons of white queens who'd fuck with me but wouldn't take me home to meet mom and would call me a nigger to my face in the heat of the moment, so 'getting turned on by' means nothing in that end.

Unknown said...

I think a simpler way to look at the muscle situation is this:


gavin said...

But Dave, you've admitted that you're "non-reactive" on the basis of race. YOU singled it out as a FACTOR that DETERMINES whether you'll want to fuck a guy.

I know your reaction is not deliberate or wrong. But it hinges on the person's race, which is subconscious racism.

Racism is not "being AGAINST" a race, per se.

Saying "blacks have bigger dicks and play basketball better than whites" is racist, yet it is IN FAVOR OF blacks or PRO black.

Racism is drawing ANY conclusion about a person based on race -- even subconsciously, I would argue.

I don't buy that you're neutral or "non-reactive" to the blacks or Asians YOU identified as not appealing to you sexually.

If you can't think of ANY black or Asian that's doable, can you honestly say you aren't repulsed by their racial features?

Plenty of white gay guys have told me how repulsive they find hispanics, blacks and especially Asians.

They may be "non-reactive" to the minorities on the street, but if one hits on them, forcing the thought of having sex with them, they are REPULSED. They dwell on racial features they find undesireable and it shows they're subconsciously racist.

I, for one, am white and much less often attracted to Native Americans, Asians and Middle Easterners (but I've found hotties among them all and fucked them).

If you're not racist, Dave, congratulations on being a new life form. Because every HUMAN is racist, from a LITTLE to a LOT. What we do with our racism is what we are judged by.

Nobody is accusing you of being "AGAINST" blacks and Asians, their rights, their friendship or appreciation. We can't help whom we're attracted to, and nobody is obligated to fuck anyone else for affirmative action (although I DO OFFER such a program: BLACKS TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, PLEASE).

But even being gay is subconsciously homosexist and being straight is subconsciously heterosexist -- that doesn't mean it's WRONG, changeable or that they're "AGAINST" the other.

Nor does it mean that minorities have no hope of love and happiness -- only that they'll have slimmer pickings.

David Mason said...

i completely disagree, sorry. Just because I prefer a red car to a blue car it does not make the blue car any less or me AGAINST a blue car or RACIST unconsciously to blue cars. That is a PROJECTION on your part that does not pertain to me. If I said long hair was a determining factor on me being interested in a person or not you wouldnt even have a word for it or consider it a negative. The fact that the characteristics of a "race" ,which is isnt even a real thing, are a determining factor are no different then any other characteristic or determining factor.
Im sorry but I totally disagree and still think the term racist is thrown around FAR too much, like HERO, DIVA, and EXTREME...
It just makes me wonder why do people WANT racism to exist so bad, america LOVES IT.