Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How do you negotiate relating to someone while also be fascinated and repulsed?


I stumbled across this photo on XTUBE of all places. I CANNOT stop staring. Of course it would be easy to make fun of this person, but I cant really because I KNOW this person, because on some level I WAS this person. YES its an EXTREME example of an identity crisis but I have been this person on some level and Im willing to bet WE ALL HAVE. Perhaps Im this person NOW, hope not, BUT I know what its like to not relate to the people around you and to want to be "better", its ANIMAL nature to think "The grass is always greener on the other side.". Perhaps I still am this person slightly, any of us that manufacture a look are. Now of course some of us do it better then others and I do think she is trying to do SO MANY things on ONE FACE at ONE TIME so this is a stand out example, but hrmmm Its weird. Im hypnotized by this person. On one hand my eyes bug out and im FREAKED OUT, but then I STARE MORE because Im trying to figure out WHY, HOW and WHAT, and then I FEEL bad because as someone who OFTEN WEARS A MASK, I relate to this person. To hate on this person would be self loathing. It must be AWFULLY HARD to be this person. He has like four masks on at once, hes a showgirl, a black man, a Scandinavian, a Russian, a hipster, and a registered voter in Atlanta.... So many things. I used to want to be the unattainable blonde SNOWGRESS myself so I know how it is... but WOW... Im perplexed. Like part of me wants to stand up for this person and part of me does NOT want to deal with this person because shes a mess.... Its an interesting feeling is all Im saying and I think its all about my simultaneously relating to and also being repulsed by my own reflection which I "see" in this persons synthetic blue eyes.Theres a good lesson here somewhere, perhaps many... I'll have to think about it...Upon viewing this person my instant thought is "Nightmare to deal with, I will smile at you, but please dont talk to me because I dont wanna deal with whatever tryory that is going to come out of your mouth that youre hoping if you get me to believe that you might even believe it someday too" Is that wrong? Was I this bad... oh god... THANK YOU for letting me have the balls to work this shit out in my youth, but simultaneously having been lucky enough to have done it before the existence of the INTERNET and the CAMERA PHONE!!! Oh god Id die?!
I think the lesson is "Dont make fun of people because its just an exercise in self loathing on some level, BUT there are simultaneously some seriously "bad" decisions going on here so how do you negotiate the contrasting emotions"... I think this is why people like this, or me as a teen, feel/felt so isolated... Its not some much that they hate you, but maybe they do just reinforce there own sense of a "good" self" but ultimately NOBODY WANTS TO DEAL... and thats why we stare at that poster on the wall of Madonna or Grace or Lady Gaga... Its the only person willing to hang out with you....
This image is poetic... If I were to title it the name would be "An honest but undesired self portrait in a collection of many honest self portraits"

5 comments:

Lawrence said...

Your honesty in analyzing how you feel about that person is refreshing. In Whoopi Goldberg's heyday in the 1980's(think "Jumpin' Jack Flash") she was criticized for wearing blue contacts. This was when colored contacts first came out and even though at the time they were state of the art, they still didn't look half as bright as the person in the pic.

serge said...

David,What does TRYORY means??

David Mason said...

Exactly what it sounds like "the attempt or act of TRYING IT....
Example..
"Did you see that tryory ?! She actually thought she was going to get away with that?!"

serge said...

Thanks.

Gareth said...

He's kind of beautiful to me. Not from a design point of view even though that's where he's really trying. What's beautiful is that he looks like he's in that stage where you just throw every ball you can find up in the air and later catch the ones that fit best in your hand. Some find less subtle balls to toss than others. And the very young only have what the internet and virtual media have to offer, and fewer worldly interactions. He does look anxious, but as you said in your post, there's a lot of work in trying that hard.

I tend not to engage guys like this that often (and there's no reason for them to engage me), but I do admire people who ignore restraint in interesting ways, especially in public. There are just so few people willing to go there and places that encourage it. It's one reason I like the idea of piggy sex clubs even though I've never even been to one (yet).

For me, this photo has something to say about the way many of us experience life now. Here in the U.S., there are no single identities anymore, fewer firm cultural roots, no limits to what parts of the world we can draw from for our own expression. I'd be interested to see what this man does with himself when he's had more ops to interact with the world and figure out how he naturally moves in it.