Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ok Im in a kinda weird place....

I didnt know it, but I guess Ive made changes in my life. Changes that I wanted to make, and surprisingly they got made, but they didnt happen how I planned. They happened sort of under the radar. They happened without me knowing it. Like remember when you first started jerking off as a kid and you were like " OMG I PROMISE I will never do that again!!", at least I was like that, and you really TRIED to make changes consciously but it was impossible? Well I sorta thought if I wanted to make changes it would have to be like that, but it TOTALLY WASNT. Changes happened but I didnt notice them happening. Its almost like they were cancelled out of LACK OF INTEREST, like suddenly I just had NO DESIRE to do what I was doing that I wanted to change, and I'm really happy about that. I guess therapy works... BUT... now I realize theres a new issue, not so much a PROBLEM as I feel this is temporary, but the ISSUE is now that Ive changed WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?!
I wanted to make changes in the categories of intimacy, sex and relationships. I really got tired of the same old fetishy sex and just doing hot guys. I dont wanna sound like a douchebag and I realize this TOTALLY sounds like a DOUCHEBAG thing to say but I just feel like Im over hunting hot guys and self destructive fetish sex, HOT IS NOT ENOUGH. Now DONT GET ME WRONG I know I'll still want it sometimes and Im HAPPY ABOUT THAT but the NEED is gone, now I'll just do it when I want, not when Im driven to by poor decision making and low self esteem. Pretty much any guy I could want I feel like I could get if I was something he was into and if hes not interested I no longer take it personally. I just figure Im not what the guy is looking for and its as easy as that, I dont go into "Whats wrong with me?" mode. I think this came with finally having confidence and a strong sense of self. So now I no longer have the drive / need to "collect" guys. Im sorta OVER the whole hot guy thing. I no longer get a thrill in "acquiring" a hot guy. I did it to death. I want something else, but I dunno what that is. SO, the issue is if I dont wanna do the same old thing, and have sex the same old way (totally anonymous fetish kookery), then WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?! The last three guys I brought back to my house I've done NOTHING with. I made out maybe and then just fell asleep, and its because I DONT WANT to have sex. Its VERY STRANGE. I recently went on some dates with this guy who is totally handsome and totally sweet and funny and cute and I really liked him BUT he would get all horny and Id just feel NOTHING. It was NOTHING to do with him, I know it was ALL ME FOR SURE and believe me I TRIED to get into it, but I just couldnt because it felt like if I were to get into it it would require me to do the stuff I'm no longer interested in and therefore the entire thing loses all interest to me. All I wanted to do is eat ice cream and cuddle which is cute for a second but it SUCKS for the other guy because you can only do that a couple times before the guy feels frustrated and insulted and it potentially comes off as punishing, which I had no intention of doing. I felt bad as we'd make out, hed have a boner, and all Id be thinking is " Ugh, I like this guy but I feel nothing and I SO HOPE he doesnt touch my dick because its gonna come off as insulting that im not turned on" and Im sure it DID when he would. Now the thing is I could say "You cant force attraction on someone" which I do think is true, but its not just him and I really do find him attractive, its the last three guys I brought home as well. Its not like I cant get a boner, I actually fucked the hell out of this dude recently just to see if I could, and I did, so I know its not that and I could still do it IF I relied on my old habits, but now I just have NO IDEA what to do now with a dude now that Ive changed. I used to have a VERY SET way of doing things and now that Im not interested in that I feel like I no longer have direction and Im TOTALLY LOST. Its kinda like I'm a virgin again or something but WORSE because at least as a virgin I wanted to try stuff, now im just like CLUELESS. Like Im not even attracted to guys anymore... You know what it feels like????... I want you to imagine ME POKING A 215 POUND PILE OF DOUGH WITH MY FINGER... thats what it feels like when I hook up with a dude lately! Im just baffled as to what then hell im supposed to do with this thing in my bed. I have no drive, no intention, no desire, no direction, all I wanna do is SLEEP. Id like to be intimate with a dude, I like that part. I like holding hands, kissing, spending time with a dude but sexually, im CLUELESS. The most frustrating part is I did NOT expect this. Its like a planned and made an effort to change but didnt plan on what would happen once I made the change?!
So here I am, eating frozen grapes, typing it all out in hopes to make sense of it or get some insight from one of you...
Urgh... its also the time of year, late february / early March is like the DARKEST DAYS OF THE SOUL and I know this, so im trying to not let it get to me too much but UGH Spring please get here FAST.... Lilacs make me happy.

23 comments:

Oliver said...

hi David,
I love the stuff you're doing - Slick it up simply has some of the most sexy gear on planet Earth. You really fulfill my fetish fantasies!
Reading your blog today, it seems to me that you've had an overdose of uncommited sex. Too much of a good thing can be - too much... What about trying involving other emotions as well - romance, love, commitment? I don't want to sound like a moralist, and as a great fan of shiny, tight surfaces, I should be the last person to say this - but surfaces are just that - superficial; and if you never go deeper, it may threaten to leave you feeling empty and hollow. Seems to me you are at this point now - at least your body is sending you some signals you should listen to and take seriously.
Now, for selfish reasons I hope this does not lead you on to a path away from designing supersexy onturning fetish gear - we want more! Keep up the good work!
Ollie in Oslo

Oliver said...

hi David,
I love the stuff you're doing - Slick it up simply has some of the most sexy gear on planet Earth. You really fulfill my fetish fantasies!
Reading your blog today, it seems to me that you've had an overdose of uncommited sex. Too much of a good thing can be - too much... What about trying involving other emotions as well - romance, love, commitment? I don't want to sound like a moralist, and as a great fan of shiny, tight surfaces, I should be the last person to say this - but surfaces are just that - superficial; and if you never go deeper, it may threaten to leave you feeling empty and hollow. Seems to me you are at this point now - at least your body is sending you some signals you should listen to and take seriously.
Now, for selfish reasons I hope this does not lead you on to a path away from designing supersexy onturning fetish gear - we want more! Keep up the good work!
Ollie in Oslo

Oliver said...

hi David,
I love the stuff you're doing - Slick it up simply has some of the most sexy gear on planet Earth. You really fulfill my fetish fantasies!
Reading your blog today, it seems to me that you've had an overdose of uncommited sex. Too much of a good thing can be - too much... What about trying involving other emotions as well - romance, love, commitment? I don't want to sound like a moralist, and as a great fan of shiny, tight surfaces, I should be the last person to say this - but surfaces are just that - superficial; and if you never go deeper, it may threaten to leave you feeling empty and hollow. Seems to me you are at this point now - at least your body is sending you some signals you should listen to and take seriously.
Now, for selfish reasons I hope this does not lead you on to a path away from designing supersexy onturning fetish gear - we want more! Keep up the good work!
Ollie in Oslo

Erik said...

I think right now there are a lot of horny guys in New York who would like to cover your therapist in tar and feathers and drive him out of town!

Papa Tony said...

All men go through a "liberating your dick" phase, where QUANTITY is great. Some guys go through it as teenagers, others wait until mid-life crisis, but eventually it shows up for every man, straight or gay.

It's just a phase, and it passes.

Eventually, the needs shift towards QUALITY. Once you've had sensational, emotionally-connected, can't-wait-until-the-next-time sex with somebody that really rocks your soul, it's really hard to go back to the faceless stuff.

This is a perfectly normal thing. I think you're just getting yourself prepared for what happens next, Dave.

fadedglitter1 said...

you,like me,have reached the saturation point.your sub concious and concious are saturated with the one thing you chased.you have found other more satisfying visuals and do-ables to satisfy you.it comes with life experience and age.

Pick said...

Um ... you're sure it's not the frozen grapes causing this? LOL

jps said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jps said...

Our little David is growing up. I have enjoyed your blog, your design, and your humor. I have been interested in your commentary about body, supplements and diet and exercise. But I have to say that this blog entry makes me believe I might actually enjoy having you as a neighbor. This is not to say that you have lacked depth before, but like a stone skipped across a pond this time you seem to be going deep perhaps to stay. Good on you! Unlike your wonderful fetish wear this is a skin that won't pull off. This is you.
If you'll take a suggestion from an older man whose looks you would find repulsive, get beyond the looks and find yourself some friends who see you as more than "hot". There is time enough for tricks, lovers and sexual partners. Find a warm and loving friend who can show you warmth--not heat. It sounds like you are ready for an intimacy that goes beyond a sexual expression. I admired you and your talents before. Now I envy the journey you have ahead. Bless you and bliss you!
p.s. This is to you, David. It need not be published.

Skye said...

I can certainly relate; I used to be similar. I'd date guys, and get a quick fix, and never call them back. They were either good enough for the night, or a waste of my time. But somewhere along the way I just wanted something more intimate, and meaningful, so that when I do ...anything... with a guy it's more fulfilling than just sating carnal lust. For me it was more or less a need for companionship; I got tired of feeling alone.

Perhaps for you it lies with just wanting a meaning to it all. You don't sound as if you have any kind of issue getting it on; you just don't want to do it for the sake of doing it anymore. That's admirable.

I have finally found someone special, and we have yet to take that next step yet. Hopefully soon enough, but for now we're happy getting to know each other. And soon enough we'll take that next step into each other. It's not as fast as I'm used to, but it makes it a lot more special to me.

I'd say some stale platitude such as 'perhaps this is your sub-conscience's way of telling you to settle down,' but that's the cheap route. But I really have nothing else. Just take some time to date yourself, so to speak, and when you feel into it again go and have your fun. And settle down when you're ready, not when your sub-conscience is.

Take care of yourself ~ Skye

trogon13 said...

Sounds like having that hot guy on your arm does not define you anymore because you are more then enough of a man without that accessory.
How about looking for warm & loving feelings instead ? You know , the insides instead of the outsides.
It has worked for me.

Jim said...

I admire you pouring it all out there as you have. Sounds like you're smack in the middle of your journey OR one's ended and the other has yet to begin...but it will :) You want more at this point and intimacy is a great, wonderful thing.
Perhaps with the last 3 guys you feel like they weren't getting or hadn't got what you're truly all about or vice versa, you didn't understand the gestalt of them.
Maybe you're in the mood to serious date now or be alone awhile. Alone does not have to mean lonely. And remember, every 10 years of life brings on changes (your 20's, 30's, 40's etc.) J

Morrie said...

Sounds to me like you're in that really strange place in the middle of a journey; you know where you've come from because you set out on a journey from that place, but you're now not sure where you're heading because your satnav lost the signal to where you may have thought you might end up.

Your post really resonated with me as someone going through this in a different part of my life. For what it's worth, my experience tells me to tell you to enjoy the scenery now; it's all part of the journey. Be really open to what's going on around you (something tells me that's something you do well) - and reflect on what that's telling you and possible reflect a little more on where you've travelled from.

While it's not necessarily possible, I don't think there's any need to be concerned and try not to be anxious (though that can be difficult when you're not sure what's really happening).

I have no idea if this helps you, but if it even gives you something to work against, maybe that will help. Never underestimate the power of "no".

I've read your blog for a while now and really like your openness and passion for what you do and what you like in life. In some ways, your openness has prompted me to reflect if I could write a blog like yours. I'm not sure if I'm quite there yet, but I think those qualities that are so core to your blog, your business and your life will all help you on building your map.

Good luck and happy travels!

Morrie said...

Hi David,

It sounds to me like you're on an exciting journey; it's just that while you know where you've come from, you're not quite sure of the destination anymore.

Your post resonated with me, as I'm having a similar experience in a different part of my life. From my experience, I'd say enjoy the scenery; be open to what's happening to you and going on around you at this time. And reflect on this as much as you can. It will help you find some streets to travel down and one of them may be the destination you're looking for either consciously or unconsciously.

I've enjoyed your blog for a while now and been really struck by your honesty, openness and pure passion for what you like in life. You strike me as someone who's not afraid of exploring or failing. Somehow I think/hope all those qualities will stand you in very good stead for the remainder of your journey.

I really hope you enjoy the trip and much as you enjoy your final destination!

Adam.

Joel said...

Frozen grapes are wonderful. The numbers game ends for everybody sooner or later. Too many guys try to keep it going with drugs. What can be amazing, and happened in my case, was when I "fell in love" it was with someone I wouldn't have looked at twice when I was putting notches in my belt. But it was an entirely differant and more comprehensive level of attraction. Keep growing!

Malibu Eric said...

I have been in a similar vein since my birthday in Jan, plus this winter has been excruciating (dark, cold, etc)
Have you done a life audit on all of the other aspects of your personal world and the satisfaction level of each?...work, career, personal relationships, mental health, etc?
I only ask because my recent loss of joy from sex has more to do with my dissatisfaction of my current life as a whole. Just food for thought, I love your blog and your point of view.
Cheers, Eric

Gregory said...

I think anyone in their mid to late 30's probably is experiencing (or has experienced) what you are going through David. Personally, my belief is it occurs because of both phsyical and psychological reasons. Much like we transition from boys into young men, this period I think is about transitioning from a young man into a wise man. Some of it is hormones, some of it is cognitive and some of it is just wisdom. The simple fact that you are this aware and in touch with it truly is a sign of your maturity. Embrace the transition, it may take David Mason to even greater levels of success, happiness and fulfillment.

Morrie said...

Oops sorry for the two posts. I thought one had slipped into the ether, so retyped it. It's either twice as good or twice as annoying.

P.S.- lovin' the sound of those frozen grapes...

Pete said...

I remember reaching a point where I felt like I'd gone full circle sexually. I'd become so unbelievably sleazy that I started to crave normality.

I find myself sleeping with guys just to get a hug at the end of it for an hour. The sex I'm neither here nor there, its the affection I want.

It allows me to get what I would from a relationship in little doses without having to commit. I can still get affection and intimacy, feel loved (even if for an hour), have a good sex life and still remain uncommitted.

We all go through phases sexually and too much of anything gets boring. Its all normal and I guess should be embraced.

Ride with it!

jim said...

I love lilacs too! I actually have come to like your rants more than the pictures of the dudes.....its almost like your current conundrum. Take it from another Polack, its all cyclical. So relax.Enjoy the snuggling, and fuck whatever conclusions anyone else is making.

Jim

John David Sturgill said...

Brilliant new iPhone app idea: CUDDLR. Ice cream and cuddle hookups!

Gareth said...

so sweet. ur ready for kids ;)

Laissez Faire said...

Yikes, I don't know if your ready for kids and a husband. Most people use sex as a substitute for love. Believe me, dont do that in reverse. It's a big mistake. Just try to enjoy this and keep it real. Im going through the same thing. I think your ready for traditional dating. Be a lady for a while and I hope you meet some gentlemen. Good luck!