Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Im sitting here in jury duty with the escaped cobra that you made have heard about on the news..



So Im totally bored. Im sitting here at jury duty with my friend the escaped cobra. We both have on disc hats and sunglasses and we are SO READY to dish out SWIFT JUSTICE... This is a challenge for my friend because hes used to handling tough situations by biting people and injecting them with poison. I had to tell him that just not how we do things on the "outside", we still inject poison but we do it to cure wrinkles... When I mentioned that he just sorta gave me that beady eyed stare he often, but not always, does. You MIGHT think having a cobra as a friend would suck, and youd be right. I have to be honest, the cobra makes me feel FAT. The worst part is hes KNOWS IT and rubs it in and FAKE JOKES about me being fat but its more like a DIG. I cant say anything because A. Hes a venomous cobra and B. I know he only says it because hes jealous he doesnt have legs. So even though hes being a dick I know its based out of his insecurites and jealousies of my obvious advantages so what am I supposed to say? I already know I have it better then him so I just have to sit here and deal. Its like having a friend in a wheelchair whos a cunt. Now I dont wanna paint him in a bad light usually he is quite fierce, LITERALLY. I mean talk about a READ, you should see how fast she handles SHADE or TRYORY from another queen?! Before the offending queen can even complete her SIBILANT S miss cobra has her fangs two inches deep in the queens neck and the LIBRARY IS CLOSED?!!! There is NO MORE READING TO BE HAD! Its cute when youre not on the receiving end but now Im beginning to regret springing him from the CLINK aka the BRONX ZOO.
Its kinda like the time I brought my first bf home with me to Glens Falls, he was a great catch. I found him in a leather bar, he was an alcoholic, vertically/mentally challenged, Mexican, "former" crystal meth user, with AIDS... OMG FIERCE!!! Like I said I REALLY know how to pick em. SWING AND A MISS.. but hey he was my FIRST try so of course it was TOTALLY LOGICAL to bring him HOME TO MEET MY MOTHER WHO WAS DYING OF CANCER.... I also have REALLY GOOD TIMING.... now in my defense I think I took this dude under my wing because my mom was uncurable basically and I really had an unconscious need to "rescue" someone and he indeed fit the bill. So I brought him to my house and believe it or not this was NOT as fantastic of an idea as youd think it would be?!
Long story short ....wait ... yay ! they let us go early! werk!
To be continued...

5 comments:

Eric Arvin said...

I love your humor. Just adds to the sexy.

Holly said...

Oh David. There really are no words. This killed me. I am going to actively use the word tryory on daily basis because it might be the world's most perfect word. I am going to teach it to the kids asap so future generations will benefit.

Dan said...

Holy crap...I just read this out loud to my boyfriend and we are seriously laughing hard. Like, I had to pause for laughter...so damn funny. The snake part killed.

Joel said...

I'm sorry to see that your slithery litle friend has been sent back to the reptile house. No more fun on the run.

DeepBlue said...

Brilliant!
So wacky and witty...
...and funny!
Have you ever published???
I'd glady pay for 300 pages of such greatness.
You could title it "Interview with a cobra" and it would surely become a best seller and then made into a movie with Tom Cruise in the role of the cobra!!!
Thank you for such fine entertainment.