Sunday, April 3, 2011


I AUDIBLY GASPED yesterday in the grocery store when I saw they had SOUR PATCH KID JELLYBEANS FOR EASTER?! This makes me very happy. Earlier this month I was scanning the drug stores like an EASTER BUNNY TERMINATOR trying to see if the Sour Patch people had any special editions for Easter, which they never had before, so I wasnt surprised when I found nothing but CRAPPY easter chocolates which I SWAT and HISS at like a MAD CAT because I hate them so much because Im JEALOUS and INSULTED that my favorite candy is apparently NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH TO BE MADE INTO HOLIDAY CANDY?! So when I stumbled upon this little gift that Mr. Easter Bunny had tucked away JUST FOR ME I was elated. I have been recognized.
The candy was simply cast to the wayside like a RED HEADED SOUR PATCH STEP CHILD in the cereal aisle otherwise I would have never found it. Seconds after I found them I thought "I dont know why they didnt have all red ones for Valentines though?" Then I stopped and asked myself why do I always have to take a good thing and then find a negative with my new found joy? Like why when I was SO HAPPY with my jellybeans did I instantly think "Why didnt they have any for Valentines?".. what a CUNT?! Im working on it with my therapist though because its a habit Im TIRED OF. So Im just gonna make note of the habit and WALLOW in the JOY that these jellybeans do in fact exist instead of complaining about why Valentines Day ones do not.
I just discovered I have anxiety about RAW JOY because as soon as I experience it I need to CONTROL IT. I think its actually a CONTROL ISSUE. Like pure joy makes me feel out of control because Im not in control of it, its something Im reactive to not getting a reaction from so therefore Im DEPENDENT ON IT. Essentially Im DOMMED by JOY and hate feeling powerless so I have to find a way to feel in power again and thus find a "flaw" to put myself back in the power position. Its weird to realize joy makes me feel POWERLESS AND NEEDY. I of course do not like feeling like I NEED anything, so therefore when I experience joy it simultaneous feels like a loss of control or power so as fast as I experience it I find a "negative" with it so it doesnt have power over me and thus I'm now in control again. Im actually scared when I experience joy, this is all unconscious by the way Im not like OUTWARDLY TREMBLING, Ive just discovered this process/feelings through analysis. If Im happy Im dependent on that thing that makes me happy and that thing could LEAVE and if it does im FUCKED so Im not gonna let it control me and thus not open myself up to it. Which is just not what life is about if you ask me, this process creates a very limited world in which happiness can exists and dull the senses. Im SO HAPPY I wrote this all down. I write it out because it lets me organize the thought process in a conscious way which in turn allows me to realize it and hopefully make changes to modify behavior that Im not happy with any longer. Hopefully you also get something out of it. You may not relate to this process of thinking in particular, but just the process of analyzing your thought processes develops a strong and clear sense of self which I think somehow, makes you happier and more successful. It has for me at least. Now I just need to figure out what to do IN PLACE of going to the negative place that Im used to.
Where did this all come from in my past? I think I can say two reasons VERY CLEARLY. One is totally unconscious because I dont remember it and one I remember CLEAR AS CRYSTAL. The first one is that I think when my mom and dad got divorced when I was like 4 or 5 it fucked me up because I have NO MEMORY of living with my dad which I SHOULD and my entire life I thought they were divorced as soon as I was born which my mother didnt even know I thought till like a month before she died. She heard me mention on the phone that my parents got divorced when I was born which was not the case at all, which of course is VERY INTERESTING because shes was like "What are you talking about you LOVED HIM and slept in our bed every day and refused to sleep in your own!"... so I think when they split up I was so devastated I just put up a total block because I honestly have ZERO memory. So I think I went from being in like PURE JOY to realizing that I had NO CONTROL of that joy and it very easily could DISAPPEAR and if you set yourself up to be dependent on it your opening yourself up for TOTAL LOSS and HUMILIATION because youre left standing there alone wondering what the fuck just happened to TOTAL BLISS, as you perceived it at least. I think this experience must happen to EVERYONE on some level, of course not the exact circumstances but the sense of love, loss, and realization that while opening yourself up to joy youre simultaneously opening yourself up to devastating loss and Im sure we all somehow develop a mechanism to cope with this experience and this process is my own. I think you just have to be courageous enough to open yourself up to joy and realize YES at some time it has to end and YES that SUCKS but its not necessarily a bad thing but simply the cycle of things and by cutting yourself off to the process entirely youre just going to become an APATHETIC PIECE OF CLAY.
WOW WOW WOW heavy post... Yay for a Sunday morning... So I will challenge myself to open myself up to RAW JOY and not do my usual defense process and see what happens... I have to go to the gym... and btw if youre wondering what the clear as crystal experience was it was that on Christmas eve when I was 5 my dad drove up to see us and dropped off a bunch of Star Wars figures for me which was a HOT COMMODITY at the time and I went APE SHIT! I was INFANTILIZED by PURE JOY babbling incoherently like a baby going GOO GOO GA GA and I even remember thinking "Im taking a risk here behaving like this" and my mother told me "David stop doing that." that was straight up PURE JOY INTERRUPTED by authority saying "Thats bad, stop being embarrassingly over come with joy" which VERY POSSIBLY was said not just because I was acting like a retard but because it was EXACTLY the reaction my father wanted and Im sure that PISSED MY MOTHER OFF SO BAD because this dead beat dad walks in the door, drops off these presents, I go NUTZ, and shes left standing there like "You MOTHER FUCKER I work all day as a SOCIAL WORKER, even though I went to WILLIAM AND MARY when I was SIXTEEN, but I was willing to MAKE THE SACRIFICE and BE A MOM FOR ALL OF US so NOW IM FUCKED and you dont even pay your child support and you show up on Christmas eve and drop off presents like your Santa Claus when youre really just a gambling addict OUT OF WORK douchebag and youve MADE MY LIFE HELL" ... or something along those lines;)... it AMAZES ME that I KNOW my mother or father would NEVER remember that ONE COMMENT MOMENT that was about ONE SECOND LONG but I carried it for a LIFE TIME, ugh FUCK get that SLIME OFF ME BLECK! I actually just made the gesture like I pulled a spider web off my chest... I know it wasnt said to be something I carry for a lifetime but its incredible to me that I HAVE and I JUST NOW discovered it and hopefully now just got it off my chest and can MOVE ON ALREADY.
OH and do NOT for ONE MOMENT think this experience gave me a ADULT BABY FETISH because I know if I read this THATS WHAT I THINK but I SWEAR TO GOD I dont. Im all for people getting into their fetishes I PROMISE but OH GOD If people thought I was into wearing a diaper and shaking one of those giant rattles you see at party stores I think Id jump off a bridge! Not that its bad if you like it, if you do, thats cute for you;) but me, oh god, Id die. Probably actually because of the aforementioned experience! Very interesting... OMG THANK GOD SHE SAID IT! Otherwise Id be in the business of GIANT PLAYPENS and BONNETS and not FULL BODY SPANDEX that makes you INVISIBLE TO CRITICISM.... OMG so much self discovery today my sense of self has POSITIVELY CEMENTED Im on STEROIDS OF SELF DISCOVERY!
whoa whoa whoa I also just realized another thing! This Star wars incident I think ALSO was one of the core moments of me HATING TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO. Like I do not respond well to authority and I can see that this moment could be one of the moments that defined that. Like I can very easily see how someone telling me how to behave has a knee jerk reaction to me of " BACK THE FUCK OFF. THIS IS MY MOMENT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN IT, GET THE FUCK OFF MY CLOUD... NOW!" oooh wow , I can see it. I couldnt say it to my mother of course so now when someone else appraoches me in this manner I BRISTLE at the very least... WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW
Ps Ive written this ENTIRE THING for over an hour now listening to the same song on repeat which is :

I miss my mom, I think thats why I like this song so much. At least thats what I think I feel. OH and double WOW, I think I unconsciously really miss my father too. I have no conscious awareness of this but I think through some of the choices that Ive made sexually and fetishishtically that theyre unconscious CONCEPTUAL recreations of feelings or experiences I had with him. Like I think its pretty clear why I like a hairy daddy who smokes and why I like hairy forearms for example. Its because I can remember sitting in the car next to him as he drove and his sleeve would be rolled up and his forearm was hairy and hed smoke while driving, and as an adult I want to somehow recreate what Im used to. This is all basic stuff though, nothing new here. the joy stuff was very novel and interesting and enlightening for me, this sort of thing is fetish fodder and common as dirt, but still interesting to know. Not ENLIGHTENING per say but cute to know.


Sue said...

Someone had to be the adult, and it was a thankless job I am sure. Your experiences are very similar to mine, but I was far older when my parents divorced, yet ended up in therapy nonetheless. Great post!

David Mason said...

I of course know you dont mean it but "Ended up in therapy" has a negative slant which could scare people consideirng opening themselves up to it, and I really believe EVERYONE should try it. I just cant imagine living a life unexamined. Itd be so ... for lack of a better word, WEIRD. Like who doesnt ask why?

gavin said...

I have a similar psychology -- control freak, gay and against all authority but my own, until every once in a while I have slave fantasies and I want to be dominated.

I usually want to bottom at least for a guy, and it might stem from abandonment/deadbeat dad issues; wanting to be wanted by a guy. Who knows?

I don't think I have a problem allowing myself to feel joy, but I do temper my expectations with realism and caution to avoid disappointment like probably most people do.

And it's made me happier -- not letting my happiness depend on things like how many straight people accept me, whether my favorite candidates win an election; whether Michael Bay can do the Transformers justice (he can't).

So I think a little cynicism or skepticism helps me stay happy, and joking about pain.

And when the little twin Autobots in TRANSFORMERS 2 started speaking ebonics for some kind of half-assed Abbot and Costello routine ... boy that hurt.

But I encourage YOU to stay psychologically FUCKED UP and MISERABLE about a lot of things because it produces such WONDERFUL ART!

All that "well-styled rage" you speak of ;)

Sue said...

Therapy improved my life immensely. I just meant my being older didn't help me deal with it any better than you did. My issues were just different.

Eric Arvin said...

I've done therapy, and, if my insurance covered it, I'd still be doing it.

Wonderful post! And "RED HEADED SOUR PATCH STEP CHILD" had me laughing out loud. LOL-ing, if you will.

JamTheCat said...


D. W. said...

Oh God, I almost could not make it through this blog. Im happy to know I am not ALONE in having this problem. I can't exist in happiness not because I am a control freak. But, because it hurts more to have joy taken from you than it does to just give it away.

I think it's healthy that you have issues. I think that it is really good that you can take out your mental and emotional trash through writing, sharing and professional therapy. I like when I can see the crazy on people, it's the ones that hide it that I am worried about.

But, I wanted to bring something to your attention. It seems like all of your issues began or happened at a time when you couldn't be in control. You were a kid and here are your parents or adults, scaring you. And, now you want some control but all the damage.....(THINK ABOUT THAT). It explains why you are the way you are. Be proud! Out of all that a diamond emerged.

Well, I hope I didn't offend you.

Wishing you success and safety.

Take Care

Holly said...

Let your freak flag fly brother. I swear I just said to someone yesterday that I love getting older because things become so much clearer and you give so much less of a shit about what others think and you can just be you. Great post.

DeepBlue said...

I'm... breathless!

I've never until recently given myself up to experience pure joy coz there was always this voice inside of me saying: "It won't last" or the worst one: "It's too good to be true!"
And I ended up becoming extreemly cynical about everything good that would come my way.

I had the same problem with love!(still do to a certain extent)

My parents never got divorced and yet, I ended up as confuse as anybody else. I guess it's all part of the experience of life.
We must lose ourselves one way or another in order to recreate ourselves through self-analysis in the ideal version we want. If only it didn't take so much time!
I also totally agree with Holly.
Great post!
So generous of you, thanks!

Unknown said...

You know what, I read that and thought it was one of the best passages of enlightened stream of consciousness that I've run across this century. I kept thinking Jean Genet couldn't have written anything more cogent and contemporary. Not only did you nail that, but you nailed it with one of those pneumatic nail guns that spits out 200 nails in about ten seconds.

So, now not only do you have an admirer for your work as a designer, but also you have an admirer for your work as a philosopher and writer.

- Terry

David Mason said...

Wow Thank you TerryI am very very thankful for your feedback :) Im glad you got it! :)