Friday, April 15, 2011

I just returned from Iceland


I just woke up so Im feeling like my brain function isnt exactly explosive at this point. It may also be that I got my BRAINS FUCKED OUT last night and I needed it SO BAD! I have been fucked ONCE between last night and the beginning of DECEMBER?! I wasnt aware how bad I needed it! All I can say is ... MAJOR. Only after youve had your PSYCHE SPLIT OPEN from INSIDE OUT do you realize how uptight and TWATTY you were. I was just laying in my bed afterwards thinking MANY things, and one of them was "Oh.. THIS is why straight guys are often so aggro and uptight and bitchy, they havent had their PSYCHE SPLIT OPEN from the INSIDE OUT. Its like an ANAL LOBOTOMY?!" Straight dudes either need to open up and let their best friends CRACK THEIR TWATS OPEN or they need to let their wives strap one on and take them to task. The world would just be a happier place. I speak from experience.

Im gonna be honest, I smoked pot last night too, which I honestly did for MEDICAL REASONS because its SO GOOD for a body exhausted from excessive working out. It releases my entire body and the stretches I can do are INSANE. I can do FULL SPLITS, my body uncracks in probably 200 places. Its about 20 times better then any chiropractor has ever been, but anyways I digress. I got my brains fucked out by the same dude I've fucked once every few months for about 2 years I think now and realigned my chakras and screamed like a crazy person into a pillow as I just opened up and TOOK IT. I actually let someone else HAVE CONTROL... It was nice..... Oh yeah Iceland was nice too...
Iceland is genuinely quite lovely. The water is so clean you can drink it anywhere. The people are laid back and trusting. There are are only 120 prisoners on the island of 300,000 citizens. The phone book has to say the persons JOB next to their name because everyone has the same name which ends in SON or DOTTER depending on your gender. Theyre not worried I think because THEY KNOW EVERYONE, nobody can just STROLL OVER from LOS ANGELES and STEAL YOUR BABY because there is basically a MOAT called the ATLANTIC OCEAN surrounding them so that everyone seems to know one another and they LEAVE THEIR BABIES OUTSIDE IN THE STROLLER AS THEY SHOP OR HAVE COFFEE?! Seriously!! I went with my friends Bradford and Graham and Graham told us "There was a baby left out on the street with nobody around!?" We didnt believe it and called him a CRAZY LIAR PERSON, but the next day we walked by the same shop and there were FOUR babies left in strollers just HANGING OUT, in the ELEMENTS. The elements in Iceland are WEIRD. It HAILS for five minutes, then its sunny, then it rains, then its crazy GUSTY , then its fine, all in fifteen minutes. After the first day you dont even both considering the weather because you realize it changes every five minutes. The terrain is very unique as most of it is untillable LAVA ROCK with MOSS growing on it that you cant even walk on because the moss covers holes in the lava which you could fall into and break your leg! We did however manage to go SPELUNKING and crawl into one of the caves formed by a LAVA TUBE. It was cool but I have to be honest if any of you have been to Howe Caverns in upstate NY thats WAY better. The lava tube was just that... a TUBE made of black rock. Im glad I saw it but it didnt have any stalactites or stalagmites really, in fact Ive honestly seen bigger ones in the SUBWAYS of NEW YORK. Has anyone else ever noticed these?! OH, and the tour guide didnt even know what a stalagmite was?! I HAD TO GIVE THE TOUR at that point and describe to everyone what they were and how stalagmites are on the ground and an easy way to remember is that stalagmites have a G in them like GROUND and stalactites have a C like the ceiling...
I wanted to see NATURAL WONDERS so we went to the BLUE LAGOON... IT WASNT NATURAL?!?! They totally TRICK YOU?! I have to say Iceland was CUTE but I dont need to go back and I feel its MARKETED better then it is. I feel like Yosamite or CANADA could just hire a slick advertising team and have more to offer. The blue lagoon is next to a POWER PLANT and Im pretty sure the water is just BACKWASH. Its not even there naturally. It didnt help that when we checked in there was GARBAGE floating in it, serious GARBAGE. There was a COKE CAN and a LARGE CARDBOARD BOX just half submerged floating around in it. It ruined it because then youre floating around in this totally opaque water wondering if what youre feeling with your toes is a DEAD BODY or maybe someones SUSHI PLATTER. It was fun to do but like I said, I dont need to go back. It made for a cute photo but UGH, do NOT eat a LARGE BAG of CANDY every day for a MONTH before you do a RED HOT PHOTO SHOOT in ICELAND because youll look like a BLOATED MESS.... See photo.. Actually the photo is MAJOR, I take it back, but I wont show you the ones where im NOT standing in profile sucking my GUT in as much as possible while simultaneously trying to DISLOCATE my SHOULDERS.
I had a great time with my friends. I ate WEIRD FOOD like decomposing SHARK, a "24 four winter old" HORSE, PUFFIN, and WHALE STEAK. Its what you eat when theres no tillable land, and I know this is SO wrong to say but HORSE TASTES GOOD, Ack?!
Whale just tastes like slightly chewy steak, puffin was yummy, the shark was so REVOLTING! We couldnt even have it on the table, but we were WARNED and we wanted NORDIC EXOTICA REALNESS, which it served us HARD so we didnt mind.
It was really nice to do NOTHING with them but Im happy to be back. Oh, I could go on about the weirdo nightlife too but I honestly wanna make it to the gym so I'll make it short and sweet. Theres ONE gay bar which is populated by STRAIGHT WOMEN, but theyre TALL so I was unbothered, and there are TWO SCANDINAVIAN VAMPIRE DJS at this bar and they sometimes get down from the podium and PERFORM for you.
Because of the isolated gene pool just about everyone in the bar is the same height. The guys are about 6 foot 1" and the women are 5 10" on average it seemed. (Notice how its a room full of everyone the same height basically)

Its a straight guys paradise, endless amounts of TALL SNOWGRESSES and NOT A DUDE TO FUCK THEM, the girls are pretty and the dudes are DOGS, TOTAL DOGS. NONE of us were getting laid in Iceland. Im happy I went, it was nice to see, but Im happy to be back, and Im happy to be totally BEYOND laid....
OH and everything is CRAZY EXPENSIVE. Yes the dollar is worth twice what it was but two croissants and two coffees was about 40 american dollars?! Cheap flight, cheap hotel, TOTALLY EXPENSIVE anything else.

8 comments:

Jim said...

Love this post from top to bottom(as usual!) :) "PSYCHE SPLIT OPEN from INSIDE OUT" needs to become part of the lexicon! And we should all look so good when we're bloated :) Nice to have you back.

DeepBlue said...

Awesome piece. Thanks!
Next time, try the Dead Sea!!!

Eric Arvin said...

HILARIOUS!! I love your writing. I really do.

Holly said...

My experience is that straight boys don't appreciate a five foot nine inch tall snowgress, but I am glad you do. Guys get really twitchy around tall girls. Pussies! As usual, we missed you!

JamTheCat said...

Live the post. Fierce and funny, all the way.

I'll have to check out the cave in upstate New York. All Buffalo has is proximity to Niagara Falls...which I like and the Canadian side has a Tony Roma's for good ribs.

ryanshops said...

Amazing story. Loved every detail. I've always wanted to go to Iceland, but thanks to you, I just saved myself some airfare.

ryanshops said...

Amazing story. Loved every detail. It's almost as if I was there right with you. I've always wanted to go to Iceland, but you just saved me some airfare. Thanks!

Mathieu said...

I think I still want to go, there's always something crummy about everywhere you go, and I think I'll enjoy the wilderness and being served the exotic nordic food as well.
Horse IS delicious, I had it raw in Kumamoto in Japan once.