Sunday, May 15, 2011

So I talked to my dad that I hadnt spoken to in 12 years....

Ok so I cam home from the mini vacation that wrote about below. We had a great time but my friend was leaving in a couple hours so I was already feeling down as we were attached at the hip and I have a hard time saying goodbye to people I like. I actually CRIED when he left. Saying goodbye is like one of only two things that choke me up, anyways I get home to find a letter from my dad. Now those of you who read the blog may remember I decided to open up to my father this year and write him a letter. I , nor anyone else, had spoken to him for 12 years so this was a big deal/ gesture for me. I wrote and he actually wrote back a cool letter and all was chill. Then I got a birthday card from him with another letter and just recently I wrote about that too because I was concerned as to how I should handle the matter as I cant have this person too tight with me as hes an addicted gambler and will end up lying/ scamming you on some level but I also dont wanna HATE the guy. So I write a long nice letter thanking him for the kind words and the card and sign it "Have a nice 2011" meaning DO NOT WRITE ME TILL 2012! but I come home to find ANOTHER letter.... so Im like UGH...
I open the letter and one of the first things he says is how he knows he doesnt wanna push it with contacting me and wants to respect my wishes BUT he found out he has colon cancer and has to have emergency surgery... UGH.. now my mother actually died of colon cancer and HIS father actually died of colon cancer so this is NOT FIERCE NEWS... I actually had a colonoscopy booked a month before and I actually have it TOMORROW which is why I finally have the time to write because I cannot EAT for 24 hours and If I dont eat my friend this morning was so kind to remind me because I actually forget, that I turn into a CUNT BRAT, and its true so Ive decided to take this opportunity to get writing done as I have NEGLECTED YOU ALL because Ive been busy...
So I get the letter and Im like OH FUCK, its actually May 6 by the time I get it and in his letter he says he is having surgery May 4 so Im like "What the fuck do I do?!" I dont talk to the guy but I also dont wanna have the guy sitting there in some super sorry state totally alone. So AGAIN I write another letter saying colon cancer isnt what it was 10 years ago so he shouldnt worry blah blah blah... I spend a couple hours writing it. As soon as I finish the letter and seal it in the envelope I get the TING from the incoming mail... Its a WEIRD RANDOM email from a TOTAL STRANGER saying "Ken Chlopecki is in the hospital and had complications with the surgery. Signed "In his grip, Scott BlahBlah" ... Ugh ok so now Im like my father is DYING and some jesus freak weirdo person who has to masculinize his relationship with Jesus so it doesnt sound GAY and instead of saying in his HANDS and says in his GRIP because thats TOUGH, and tough is somehow NOT GAY... not to mention it sounds like youre being STRANGLED but whatever youre WEIRD so Im not even going to bother dissecting you because itd just be a ridiculous waste of time so ANYWAYS... now Im like FUCK, I guess I have to CALL HIM... UGH... I havent spoken to this dude for 12 years and the last time I did it was minutes before my mothers funeral after I physically pushed him out of our home?! ugh.... not the CHEERIEST circumstances?!
So I have no idea what hospital the guy is in. He gave me his cell number so I get the balls to call because I feel I should as much as I DO NOT WANT TO. I have to put MYSELF aside and be there for the person who was half responsible for my MANIFESTATION ON THIS EARTHLY REALM. I call, it doesnt connect... ugh... call back... doesnt connect again.... call again it gets his voicemail.. GULP... What do you say in a message to a person that you havent spoken to in 12 years who is dying?! I leave a message....
A few hours go by and I realize a message is not enough, so I write the weird jesus freak again ( who it tuns out is my dads BOSS and I guess my dad gave him my email in case of emergency) asking him if he knows what hospital hes in. A few long hours later he writes back and lets me know... UGH FUCK I HAVE TO CALL...
At this point im standing out in front of the gym and luckily one of my best friends happens to stroll up and offers me back up as I call him. I needed this as I just felt totally alone with nobody to talk to about it and no protocol to follow so I was just left to my own devices, so the back up was super duper appreciated. I call, HE ANSWERS... and the freakiest thing is, its FINE. hes NICE , its CHILL its kinda AWESOME even. the guy is totally complimentary and nice and understanding and apologetic and I couldnt have been happier?! Im SHOCKED. I tell the guy I love him and thank him for the kind words and tell him it meant a lot to me and sadly it DID. I WISH itd mean nothing to mean, as much as Id LOVE for him to be VALUELESS in my world the fact of the matter is it does mean something and for him to be so cool to me and most of all understanding and cool just meant a ton to me. Suddenly I no longer had this person to UNCONDITIONALLY HATE ?!?! It was way bigger to me then I imagined. For the past 12 years I wouldnt even mention this person name, in fact I basically DELETED IT from history. Now that I dont have to hate the guy I feel like I GOT MY NAME BACK. Its not TOXIC for me to say my last name. I didnt anticipate that at all. I have this weird sense of PRIDE that I didnthave before, its sorta awesome. I had so much energy invested in this person in a negative way I honestly dont know what to do with the psychic energy. Im actually REALLY excited about it. I feel like I just flew out of a cage. I didnt know it had such a big impact on me. Now I KNOW I cant suggest any of you to do the same if you happen to be in a similar situation as it has to come at the right time and basically the SPECTRE OF DEATH is what got me to do it so I cant expect you to do it without such motivation but MAYBE just MAYBE a tiny bit you could consider it. It will make you happier, not matter what the outcome, after making the gesture I just felt the benefits.
It turns out they completely removed all the cancer and he doesnt even need chemotherapy?! Am I sending him a card for fathers day?... not quite yet, but am I cool with the guy.. Yes.. Were both adults now and have our own lives. Its chill baby... we cool.... I couldnt be happier.
:)

6 comments:

Troy said...

David:

I am truly happy to read this post. I remember very clearly back when we first met bringing up your parents in conversation and how obviously sore a topic it was. I made a mental note to NOT EVER do it again, even though I barely knew you and this was like 2001. You deserve as much JOY in your life as possible, and to know you've been holding on to so much anger is awful -- you have so much better to do with your time and energy, and so many people to love that obviously love you back.

This post has truly made my day.

love/miss you,
T

Eric Arvin said...

Wonderful post.

DeepBlue said...

I'm really happy for you. Enjoy it to the fullest and take it one step at a time. I'm the kinda of guy who rushes into thing an I usually end up screwing everything. So, I agree with you: stay cool. But enjoy it too! Good Luck!

Gregory said...

My father is an absolute sociopath and I couldn't stand him from about the time I was 12 until my mid 30's. I realized as an adult that I was going to be the better person, so I maintain the relationship on my terms. Like you, I will never have the Hollywood version of a "father-son relationship" but I have what works and that's ok too.

Sue said...

I am very happy for you!

I went through a similar thing with my mom, but I'm the one that almost died. She came to me and apologized and told me that she didn't realize she could lose me and that she would treat me better from now on. And she has kept her word.

http://suefairview.com/

Lawrence said...

You have a good head on your shoulders and realize that your dad's actions were the result of his addiction. I have a rule to keep friendships light because if they become too heavy they usually end horribly...keep your relationship with your dad the same way. I did not attend my mother's funeral because she secretly hated me and I forgive her for that, but I don't intend to spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done differently because you don't have any control over other people's actions.