Monday, June 13, 2011

Dear London.. I know Im in no place to say this but... Get your shit together, youre a tacky drug mess and you have no reason to hate yourself.

I received an email this a.m that another young, handsome, smart, guy died of drugs in the clubs in London. Sadly, it actually came as NO SURPRISE. I actually knew, and kissed, the guy. I met him a little over a year ago when it was my first time going out in London. It was his second time in the club and we talked and he was a teacher at a private school and I got the sense that he was a sweet and brainy guy who was probably feeling the same anxiety I was in the club as the environment is sort of a high pressure situation if you allow yourself to be swayed by the pressures that are VERY CLEAR in a place like that. It takes a VERY strong sense of self AND self esteem to NOT be broken by the influences. Dont get me wrong, I have had a GREAT time clubbing in London, in fact I think it might be the best, BUT its hard work not to let yourself spiral into POOR DECISION MAKING. Its a very "predatory" environment and I feel like this guy was NOT a predatory creature. In fact if I had to describe the guy Id say he was a gazelle trying to hang with a pack of hyenas, not exactly the best place for someone as delicate for him to be. I could relate, Ive certainly been that fawn and there is part of me that still is but luckily Ive had a good circle of friends around me to help when I have headed toward poor decision making and I do have a tiny bit of self esteem and wits about me that I feel like I can run with the pack without being devoured alive, though Im sure he did as well. Unfortunately, he did not. Now of course his decisions are HIS decisions BUT what I can say is that when I first met him he was a bright, excited, fresh face. I went back to London over Christmas and ran into him again and over the course of a year he clearly had changed. The innocence was gone, the sense of self was gone, seemingly, and the person I had met if he wasnt gone was certainly very well hidden, sadly, as that kid was the charming one, to me at least. I barely got passed a "Hey" with him as he just seemed broken. In fact I think I even saw him one more time and didnt even bother talking to him as he just seemed another club vampire by then and now hes dead.
Its very sad for so many reason and I have to say its no surprise. I cant surmise why he headed down the path. Lord knows it could happen to anyone who treads that path. I have made some TERRIBLE decisions before which got me into situations that Im far from proud of so I promise you Im not here to judge or point the finger. As a gay guy its almost impossible not to hate ourself if we dont make a strong effort not to. That statement comes off as shocking but sadly, for me at least and most others in America, we are trained to hate ourselves. Some of the ways we learn to hate ourselves are very conscious but I think the deep ones are semi or unconscious to us. I find myself correcting semi conscious self loathing gestures daily. In fact only recently did I realize that I walk with my head down and that I feel that unconsciously my body language is "I am not allowed to be here." . Now is that all gay related, I dont think so, but I do think a large portion of it is.
Self loathing is rampant in the gay world and then of course runs hand in hand with destructive drug use and brings me back to what I meant to talk about in this piece which is the heavy drug usage in London. Am I in a place to judge anyone? No, thats for sure. Have I made tacky decisions? Hell yes. Have I made sloppy decisions??? OFTEN. So am I in any place to tell Londoners that they do too much drugs and need to SOBER UP BITCH??... YES! YES I AM! Why?? because I care to! I actually REALLY LIKE if not LOVE my friends in the UK and I would be devastated if I lost any of them because I didnt say anything so Im saying it now. DEAR LONDON GAYS... stop taking more drugs then anyone. I can say without a doubt clubbing Londoners, Im talking about in the "circuity" clubs and not ALL Londoners of course, as I have AMAZING sober friends there to, take more drugs then anyone Ive ever seen. They seem to have zero concept of moderation, which I think isnt hot, or admirable, or by any means a testament to club "street creds" but DESPERATE, TACKY, and SLOPPY. I dont think theyre aware that it comes off like the OTHER BROTHER who gets FUCKED UP FOR ATTENTION because hes jealous of the HOT AND TALENTED BROTHER who everyone loves so this brother has learned to get attention with bad behavior and though people love him they just wish hed sober up a BIT, if not totally, because nobody is charmed by the weekend bender anymore. It was cute when he was in college, but now its just sad... Dear London, this is what you come off like to everyone else. I say this because WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT YOU, not because we wanna talk shade about you, but because we REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU and think your HOT AND SEXY AND SMART AS HELL and we dont wanna see you get hurt. So please just moderate, a TOUCH. I mean Im certainly not gonna yell at someone for enjoying a bump of coke on a weekend as I appreciate an 80s moment, but Crystal, G, X, MDMA and mepahdrone is MUCH, its MANY MANY MUCHES as a matter of fact. Im ALL FOR A GOOD TIME, but how about we try just sticking to ONE, or ok TWO, two on a holiday. Can we settle on that?! If you have a sense of self, and a teaspoon of self esteem you shouldnt need more and frankly London gays you ARE fierce and hot and RICH. That fuckin pound is KILLER, so theres no reason for you to be so self loathing ok?! So lets put down the forth dose of G, have a great time and be here for one another. Im into you, and I am MUCH AND MANY things myself. Trust me, with me you do NOT need that many other drugs. I know how to have fun, promise me you'll back me up and I will be SO HAPPY to be able to do the same for you. Now lets go make out with cute guys!


Tullio said...

Dear David..

You don't need to prepare us for your judgements because they are totally authentic and wise. For me you are a superhero in the 'gay world' whatever that means. And you also happen to make superheroesque outfits. I would love to make out with you sometime ;)

Leprechaunvict said...

This is interesting and sad. I've only been to London once-- I spent two weeks there in the summer of '02 when I was 28, and it was the most drugged up strung-out fuckfest two weeks of my entire life. I loved it, but it's not the kind of thing you can just do and do and do. The most real thing you said was how no one there seems to know moderation. It's a fun city/full of history/ excellent design, but amazing that the place even functions when so many people are so high all the time, not even just the gays.

gavin said...

Sorry to hear about your friend. We've all seen great people go to waste.

I tried crystal once and honestly, I don't get the appeal. Yeah, you feel no pain from strenuous activity, but you can't get hard and your body spends a week recuperating from soreness and sleeplessness. The habitual partiers are their own case against themselves: "You too can destroy your face, health and life!" No thanks.

GHB is another drug I don't get. Who likes dropping comatose at a party? Where is the fun in that? I could barely lift a finger and I didn't want to have sex, it's just a sedative. That's great for date rapists to use on other people, but I'm just not interested.

Mathieu said...

Fantastic fantastic fantastic post. Right on the money.

You could also repost by replacing "London" with "Sydney" and it would just as accurate a description. Australian gays tend to idolize London and then end up there without many of those wonderful POUNDS you mention and, I feel, escape with drugs. I'm not one to judge either as I've been there done that but as I did so I felt like a Gazelle too, and even left the club thinking ugh I'm better than all these people!?

Muscled Dad said...

The only unfortunate thing about your otherwise "right on" post is that it's nothing new. And that's not a dis, just an observation from a seasoned veteran of that scene.
Chems in moderation at parties can enhance a situation, but many otherwise good people don't know how to moderate, never have and never will. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen guys taken out on stretchers...luckily most survive. Sorry for your friend, and any cautionary tale is valid and worthy. But I will also say that the still-pervasive perception of a need to conform to a certain image...steroid bod, young-appearing face, etc. doesn't help any gazelle in the midst feel welcome or accepted. Glad you're looking up, btw. Keep it up.

Jim said...

Such a sad story but, as Mathieu said, "a fantastic post"...and, unfortunately, necessary...very important & insightful.