Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The reason why you haven't heard from me is because...

I drove two days to get to Macon Missouri to go to a big taxidermy auction.
The drive took two days and I have been here since Monday. Needless to say I am bored as hell as there is nothing to do. The higher quality pieces won't go up for auction till tomorrow so I'm stuck here waiting. I'm writing to you on my iPhone trying to kill time before I swallow a handful of night time drugstore products so I can fall asleep by 8 because it's the best way of making time go by.
There is nowhere to eat but pizza hut, taco bell, mcdonalds and Burger King. The mcdonalds here also serves as nursing home. Two things stood out to me on my drive here that I never seemed to notice before. You really can see the effects of the recession here. America seems a bit like a jack-o-latern a couple days after Halloween, its still cute on the outside but the inside is just spotty and rotting. Everyone in the midwest seems so POOR and so OLD and SICK. The hottest accessory for middle America is the oxygen mask! They're like the Jeremy scott winged adidas of 2009. Driving here I saw three people in their car with oxygen masks on. The other thing you notice is the obesity. Which I did notice before as every time I went home I'd be shocked at how corpulent everyone is. My grandfather was from Queens and when he would come visit us he'd comment on what a bunch of lazy fatsos they/we all are. Now I get what he was talking about. BUT the thing is these people really don't have many options. I've had fast food every day since I left and my face is like an oily sponge and my stomach gets in knots. I feel bad for these people. Yesterday I saw a woman who was so obese at mcdonalds that she walked on her ANKLES?! Her ankles were so fat they touched the floor so she shuffled on the side of her foot and ankle. Like her ankle must have a callous on it. Even I felt sympathy for her and I'm a robot.
Life here is like waiting at the airport but you never get to leave. ...hello mr
Chlopecki , your life has been postponed...indefinitely.
The auction itself is interesting. There are two going on, live animals and taxidermy animals. Among the taxidermy animals there are two classifications. The more common stuff like deer,elk,pheasants and some lower end African game and then tomorrow is the higher quality auction of more exotic pieces which I'm excited about. If I can figure out how to upload pics from my phone I'll show you. Some of the stuff is quite cool. I sat at the live auction today and watched them
sell alligators, servals, hedgehogs, sugar gliders, pythons,lizards, zebra... It was kinda bizarre. There were lots of Amish in the
Crowd??? Perhaps they're assembling an arc. The auctioneer will yell "Proven breeder!" to raise the bids. Just like what they yell at the all male strip club 22 in NYC?!
The motel I'm staying in is top notch! There was only one giant gooey dried cum splatter on the comforter... Comforting! I actually got in threw my bags down sat on the bed and got up an was like "is my ass sweating?" because of the big stain and then realized .... My ass is NOT sweating... Barf... That's a cum wad!?:(
The pool had creatures living in it and looked like a pot of drown child stew. Luckily the motel is directly next to the highway so the eighteen wheelers drown out the noise of teen prostitutes being strangled.
I'm going to get in my truck now, head to my room, swallow some sleeping aids and hope the sheets don't give me aids.


Mathias N Oz said...

U R not kidding about the fat people out here, ugh.

Erik said...

You can upload photos in the blog with the new Blogger App from iTunes - it´s even free.

I´ve been using it for a few days now, it´s very simple but also very easy to use. Check the photo size settings first, though!

Holly said...

Honey, this is why you need to post while you are away! I actually live in Missouri! However, I had to google map Macon and zoom out 5 times to figure out where the hell it was. I live in St. Louis, so we're not that backwards, but it can be frightening to drive 30 minutes in any direction. All you needed to do was ask and I would have (and not creepily so) been at your doorstep with food that doesn't make you disintegrate from the inside.

Sue said...

Ah, you should have brought a good book! That would have solved all of your problems! Or, a nook or kindle with access to many good books. But I do know what you mean about being stranded in the middle of no place, since I myself have traveled to middle America on business. Not a pretty sight, is it? All you are left with is not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the people and local dining establishments. At least you are with cool people. Imagine that you were with boring losers that thought that if you didn't have dinner with them [so that they could further bore the pants off of you] you weren't part of the team and they would report you as not a team player to the boss. Or, you could be with your boss, who is so butt ugly, that you had to bring your attache case to dinner so that nobody would mistake you for a couple at dinner. LOL! See, it could be worse. Far worse! Count your blessings!

To think that every one of these obese people you see are voting Republican. Hateful isn't it? They need health programs more than anyone, but they are busy voting against them. Must be the lack of oxygen. Are we having fun yet?

Kurt Walters said...

So thanks to this post (most likely) I just awoke from a dream in which I was in a manicured garden, of let's say, Georgetwon DC, when I realize there's a giant stuffed flamingo leering at me. At first I didn't care, but then since it's a dream, OF COURSE it has to come to life! So now it's looking at me out of maybe 30 other people milling about the garden, to eat? Harass? Fuck? I dunno... So I yell at it "Not me, Nancy Reagan!", so it begins digging in the garden, and suddenly digs up Nancy, clad only in a bra and panties, and starts shaking her around like a dishrag... mind you she does not die, and seems to get turned on by this. I begin to realize I"m waking up, when the giant flamingo and Nancy start French kissing, but was able to glimpse her tongue was covered in rubies... Thanks!

Leprechaunvict said...

Between that last post and this ( I know I've said this before) but you've gotta publish a book. Your description of the midwest is real, it's legit social commentary. And you're advice to us fags to wear gear if we want because even for straight guys its a put-on is brilliant! You open my eyes to something every time I read your blog Mr. Unicorn ;)

Miguel in YVR said...

Well!!! what did you get? All that sacrifice can not be for nothing. Looking forward for some awesomeness.