Wednesday, October 5, 2011

States of self, gay shame, and self destructive behavior... This all came to me last night.. It wont apply to many but it applies to me at least.

I knew all of this before of course but I never FELT it and knowing and feeling are two very different animals. Its not until i feel something that I can really understand it. This all came to me last night and I felt it. Even though it was all previously known before it all became very clear and I was able to feel it. Hopefully it will stick. Its why I wrote it down this a.m...

Its not so much self destructive behavior as it is trying to destroy the specific self that feels, and needs. There are many states of "self". (This I learned before, there are many states of self. I like to see oneself like a jewel and there are many facets to that jewel, each facet is a state of self and depending on which facet you're looking through is which state of self that youre seeing/operating under. Looking at the entire jewel itself is seeing the person as a whole.) Its not like Im trying to "destroy" the self that is "less sensitive", Im trying to destroy the self that feels and the part of me that needs. This part just makes me anxious because it puts me in a position that is not in "control" because it needs from others so I try and "destroy" that part which is "weak". This of course is not wise because its the part that needs that is actually the stronger self. Its just also the part that puts me at "risk" its NOT at risk, but because it puts me in a position that doesnt feel like its in power, but I think it actually is as it is an assertive self that knows what it wants/needs, its brings me a lot of anxiety because asking for something or needing could be denied and that potential for denial brings up a lot of anxiety in me. So through fetishism I have to try and control and suppress/punish this feeling. Perhaps the best way to end or lessen this behavior that is destructive to an aspect of myself is to openly recognize needing and wanting and feeling and to allow myself to have the nerve to need and feel and want openly and in doing that I may actually become satisfied, happier and stronger.
Side note I think I label the side that needs and feels as a faggot because those are sort of the characteristics of a "faggot" and that is somehow perceived as weaker so therefore the fetishism is very much related to gay shame and abusing a "faggot", when actually its not about being gay at all but about NEED and a faggot needs men and that puts him/me at risk an opens me up to denial of those needs, and its the NEED that is the cause of the feeling of weakness, not the need of men, that is the weakness but its easy to confuse the anxiety caused by need with the object/subject of that need. Its not the object but the NEED ITSELF that is the source of anxiety.

3 comments:

Sexy Beast said...

It makes sense. We all will feel vulnerable by needing something or someone. And 'real' men don't need anything, so when we do legitimately need, we punish ourselves for needing.

Check this out:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Not exactly what you're talking about but it discusses vulnerability.

Sue said...

No Man is an island...

John Donne

Relax, the need is universal.

http://suefairview.com/

gavin said...

What form of fetishism do you use to suppress/punish the feeling?

Are you trying to punish the anxiety of denial, the need for men or both?

The reason I ask is because if you're engaging in fetishism with another person, such as a sub-dom scenario, or even exhibitionism, you're still needing other people. How could it reduce or suppress the feelings if it's utterly dependent on others?

Also, it does seem like you have some gay shame. But more specifically, it's probably femmephobia or "feeling shame."

Like Sexy Beast said, we're culturally ingrained with the notion that "real men" aren't supposed to have feelings or need others because it's seen as weak.

This myth is pushed in tandem with the one that says being gay equals weakness, effeminacy and disgrace.

You'd be well off to recognize that society is lying when it says that real men don't have feelings or dependencies.

ALL men have feelings and need others. If you become a hermit, you might escape dependency on people.

But I don't see a lot of fucking hermits out there. Men present a facade of emotional invincibility and independence to appear strong.

Recognize it's just an act and don't buy it. That doesn't mean you should throw yourself into dependency or emotional chaos -- you shouldn't.

But find a balance without lying or accepting society's lies.