Saturday, November 26, 2011

Did I ever tell you about how my mom TOTALLY CLOCKED ME for TRYORY?!



Ok So this was the EARLY 90s. There was no internet, yes I know there was technically but come one there wasnt. So you had to get your pictures of hot guys HOWEVER and WHEREVER possible. I was so desperate for anything Id have to cut HANES underwear ads out of the ZAYRES flyer that came weekly. Youd do stuff like buy muscle fitness or buy, then HIDE, Fitness for MEN ONLY, which was total gay porn in disguise, but that was about it besides the random torture/fight scene in an action movie which was the only opportunity to see man on man objectification, or the WWF which was just more of the same concept. I could go on about how the unconscious natural desire of homosexuality is most often channeled through violence because of our society, but I wont because we all know that.
So, my mom would get this thing called CATALOGUE OF CATALOGUES and amongst Oriental Trading Company and 1000 Things You Never Knew Existed, which I actually liked, would be all some TRASHY mens underwear catalogues that you could pay to order like International Male, Andreas Cahling, or California Muscle. Now I HAD to get my hands on these! You can only imagine how, as the future owner of Slick It Up, badly I wanted to see these!? SO, I came up with a PLOT. I thought I was TOTALLY SLICK. What I did was I ordered the International Male, and the California Muscle catalogue BUT I also ordered TALL GAL because my mother was 5' 10" and then in case I didnt get the mail first it would seem as thought they were just TOTALLY RANDOMLY sending catalogues from the catalogue of catalogues and it wasnt her BABY GAY son wanting to look at GUYS IN THONGS...
So International Male came, and it was just left on the table... hmmm??.. ok... and California Muscle came, just left there, hrmm, ok that makes me TOTALLY ANXIOUS as I know my mom saw it but AWESOME... and then on like Saturday when my mom was home the mail came and in it was TALL GAL.... HURRAY! Thank god, my REDEMPTION! My PLAN HAD COME TOGETHER! So I held it up and my mom was standing at the kitchen counter and I was like "Look Mom!, Tall Gal came for you!" and WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT my mother SOOO COOLY said ......"How do they know Im tall????"
................GAG.............GAGGING.. Pupils dilating.......CRICKETS........ STILL GAGGING.
My mom was FIERCE for that. She FIERCELY CLOCKED MY STUNT. She didnt have to mention the trashy underwear catalogues we both knew the jig was up. Yes I got clocked, but I THANK HER for it. What I like most I think is that she COULD have thrown them out OR said something about them but she DIDNT. Instead she LAIN IN WAIT and let me WALK INTO IT.... OOOH boy did I learn I was NOT smarter then my mother that day!... It was the proper way of handling the situation.



ps read this description from California Muscle of the above garment... Long MESSY nights?! Ummm, at least theyre honest.

CIRCUIT LEOTARD Men's Sheer Bodythong Leotard
No one will ever accuse you of having a short circuit when you
bare all in this sheer body thong. This is no sissy lingerie.
The this lace up front body thong is the perfect accessory for all
those long, messy nights on the party circuit. Black or White

7 comments:

Erik said...

Haha your mom is so cool :)

Jim said...

That is a fantastic story :) California Muscle was so cool...but Slick It Up is so much cooler!

Sue said...

Guess you had to get your smarts from someplace!

http://suefairview.com/

gavin said...

I used to buy muscle magazines for my sister just so I could look at them.

But now I worry it had a terrible influence on her, because she ended up marrying a deadbeat, roidtard douchebag who only does muscles right.

Mathieu said...

One of my very earliest memories is of me tracing and enlarging with a set of Derwent pencils my mother had bought for me the picture of the three muscle men on in their thongs on the beach of a Where's Waldo (Wally in Aus) book.

https://skitch.com/mathieu/gpsny/ (image link)

My mother found the drawing in the book - I remember being REALLY embarrassed and didn't want her to see it, but she said it was a beautiful drawing. I was a baby well before pubity even. Guess I knew what I liked... out of all the other hundreds of people on the beach, I wanted to draw these dudes but BIGGER! I guess she's known ever since.

David Mason said...

Thats awesome. She knew, you knew. Everyone knew. Why does nobody say anything ..besides your enemies!

pandora-guy said...

I can totally understand your disire for owning such a catalog. Same story with me! Unfortunately I hadnt such a good idea like you, so I had to get along witk the men´s underwear section of Sears catalogs -.-