Sunday, December 25, 2011

When asking what someone is doing for a holiday omit the "family" part...


This just cracked me up... the other however kinda captures something Im going through...

I usually try and make an effort to spend Christmas with friends but this was the first year I decided not to travel. Half because last year was an absolute nightmare in transit having to buy four tickets to get ONE place as the flights cancelled, rerouted, etc. Long story short I ended up in Iceland when I was headed to London. I also think because it just didnt feel like Christmas here in NYC being 67 degrees outside up until last week. So I decided to have my first X-mas alone this year. It was Ok, I had two friends stop by, which really helped, but to be honest I was PUKEY. Which Im sure was totally psycho-sematic as Christmas was also my moms birthday, who passed a while ago mind you, but to deal with the double whammy is sort of a bummer BUT I also think its healthy to experience this though, and ten years later I think Im finally able to "feel it" and actually recognize it. Not that I didnt before, but I feel like Ive only recently really allowed myself to "feel" stuff, honestly say "goodbye" and be able to move forward where im actually PRESENT. So yeah, it sucks to "feel" it but its also healthy to be present and connected and "here".Previosuly I constructed 5,000 ways of unconsciously removing myself from reality. Its actually something I see everyone do but you dont really see it until you make an effort to be present, but thats a whole different essay :)
Now that said lemme give you just a hint... PLEASE dont ask if people are going to their family for any holiday. Its a bad set up. Instead ask "Do you have any plans for the holiday" As someone who doesnt have family to visit (half by death and the other by choice( sort of- but I was never close with my dad since I was like 4) ) its AWKWARD having to say to people "Um no... (awkward pause where Im trying to decide to say wether my mom is dead or not because you dont know if theyre gonna push it farther or get the hint) "Im going to do something for New Years though." ... ( Thank god they got the hint.) Also I want you to know its not so much that Im hurt you assume my mom is alive, which I honestly am a little just cause its like an unasked for reminder of an unhappy thing, as it is I dont want you to feel bad and be put on the spot when I have to explain it because you keep going forward. ALSO a REAL BIG HINT if I go so far to say "I dont have any parents." and smile, DO NOT say "Well EVERYONE has parents?!" cause thats gonna suck for both of us when its all made really clear. I really dont feel like having to explain that my parent who raised me was also born on X-mas and shes dead now and Im alone because we (my sister and I) have no family and although my dad is alive hes basically crazy and a gambling addict. Gambling addiction is hard for people to understand as an addiction but as someone whos experienced it its fucked up and basically makes a perfectly fine person completely untrustworthy which seeps into more things then you can imagine. It just makes a person sorta TOXIC and you cant touch them with a ten foot pole or youll be hurt in some manner or another. In my experience its like having a parent who has another kid that youve never met that ALWAYS comes first and constantly fucks you over. I share this because its healthy for me and I know im not the only one who doesnt have a stellar opinion of one of their parents. In fact a SOLID HALF of my friends dont talk to their dad BUT they usually have their mom still alive.
So long story short get in the habit of removing the FAMILY aspect of "Are you going to see your family this (fill in the holiday)" question and just say "Any plans for the holiday?" and everything is CLEAR and CUTE. Thanks for reading :)

4 comments:

JamTheCat said...

I spent Christmas alone, too. Made quesadillas, drank too much Dr. Pepper and watched both Addams Family movies. And enjoyed the hell out of myself.

djpapihouston said...

thanks for sharing. I hope you have a great New year's blast! Me, personally, I hate the Christmas song that plays like a broken record on the Christmas radio stations: Daddy's Hands. Growing up molested I have no glorious images of Daddy's hands helping me do a damn thing except...well you know! Completely changes the story of the song!

David Mason said...

Funny, Ive never even heard the song but if youre sensitive to the lyrics Im sure it resonates very differently. Im sorry you had to go through that. Molestation is obviously very different from gambling addiction but I can say that both break your trust of your parent which sucks for anyone as you hold that with you your entire life unless you make strong efforts to cope with it.

Alvaro Seiss said...

Well, my last christmas was a couple years ago, my grandparents were still alive and somehow I know it was the last. I remember taking a shower before dinner after saying hello to them at my folk's house and hearing this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSr6vX5d35c in the background and crying in the shower cause I knew it was the last.
After that, It was kinda relief not having to put up with any of the holliday bullshit and it's been a few years since I don't celebrate neither christmas or new years eve (I don't even celebrate my birthday) . For me, those are moments in which people tend to think they HAVE to be good to one another and therefore are the most bullshit-filled moments of the year. I go to my parents (whom I have a good relationship with, thank god) later in the night to say hello, but I don't toast at 12 and all that, it's over for me with the good and the bad of being a kid.