Monday, February 6, 2012

Is NEW YORK CITY not conducive to having a BOYFRIEND or am I just making excuses?

I was having dinner with a friend of mine and he asked me if there was anyone I knew who's relationship I thought of as a good example or one I held in higher standing, or as a role model of a healthy relationship etc etc. Well I sat and I thought, and I realized that "Oh, Yes. Theres Quinn and his bf, and Sven and Randy, and Jennifer and her bf, and Tim and Abel, and Christine and John" and then I realized. THEY ALL LIVE IN LA?! It was a sad realization that I do not know of ONE couple in New York who's relationship I envy, or see as a good example, or even hold in a standing of "happy and growing". I actually don't think its any of my friends in New Yorks fault either. I just think New York makes it REALLY fucking difficult to have a happy relationship. I think New York requires so much effort just to manage on its own and be happy that putting someone else's needs into that pot usually doesn't make for fierce chemistry. I mean this is sort of a heavy realization for me. I would love to be in a relationship with someone here that was happy and fun and had that sense of GROWTH which is important to me but I wonder if that can happen here. I really think the main reasons for this are PRIVACY and MONEY. Two things which New York does NOT GIVE FREELY, if ever. You wouldn't think that privacy would be such an issue but IT IS. Its not just privacy in your apartment but Im talking on the streets as well. EVERY gesture is monitored in New York. Its difficult to walk down the street and not have someone up in your face asking you for something, making a comment, or just trying to GET SOMETHING FROM YOU. I in fact actually have had to work really hard, and consistently, to not become a total unfeeling HATEFUL ANDROID, I mean MORE of an unfeeling hateful android. The city makes you put up so many walls its hard to be open to people. Its a pain in the ass to walk down the street holding hands and have some person make a comment, which doesn't sound like much but it REALLY TESTS ME. Ive gotten better with it but I really have a hard time coming from a higher place and realizing I have a way more privileged life than that person and a nasty comment is all that person can do to keep it together themselves so I shouldn't let it get to me. Its these ever constant and tiny things that just build and build and make it hard. I mean, you KNOW Im not the type to say this but its hard having house guests in NYC because the space is so limited I do not want to HEAR or SMELL your FARTS but there is NO FUCKING ROOM so you just have to deal. Its a NIGHTMARE. I mean you have REALLY got to like the person. I mean REALLY like the person to endure them in such small quarters. Maybe I just need to move to la????
Now conversely Los Angeles has PRIVACY. People live in HOMES betwixt HILLS and drive around in CARS and when they step out of those cars they have SUNGLASSES ON just incase someone approaches them, which never will happen because nobody is outside of their car, they still have a divider of some kind to keep the boundaries clear. New York tries this by WEARING BLACK but its DOESNT WORK. They have ROOMS you can walk into when you have to cut one. They have a MOMENTS OF LOVE IN LUXURY VEHICLES. They do NOT have homeless people or Puerto Rican teens READING YOU when you hold your bfs hand because nobody can see your WILDLY INCENDIARY GESTURE OF INTIMACY because you're in an SUV....
I really dunno what to do....... I live in a city thats good for making money. Im thankful for that, but its not conducive to love, its just not.
Maybe I just need to own it that I am here and to accept it and get over it. I'm willing to bet that IM the problem. Not New York so much. I mean I must say Ive NEVER owned that Im a New Yorker. Ive never said to myself "I live in New York" Ive always just said to myself "This is temporary living situation" . Perhaps the real problem is that Im denying my presence here so how can I possibly establish a relationship If I don't even see myself as being here. I must be scared of it. I wonder why. Why am I scared to admit I live in New York? I need to own this. Im not for some reason. I dunno does that mean I just hate it actually and don't want to admit it? Or is it that I do like it but Im scared if I admit to being here then the carpet could be pulled out from under me because I somehow have the weird unconscious fear of feeling settled and that if I do feel settled thats setting yourself up for disaster. Its fucked up but Im willing to bet thats the actual case and Im willing to bet its deep unconscious decision making based on early experiences that no longer suit me but Ive held on to them so long I no longer even have access to them, they're just deep core thoughts that I need to sever and just move forward without them as they're not helping me. In doing this I will make room for new. Its interesting that if you think hard enough, and dig deep enough, that you can find that beneath the finger pointing and blaming lies the core of the problem.. and its YOUR own shit. Not New Yorks, not that cunt on the street, its yours. Just own it, face it, and cut it the fuck out. Its weird to feel good about realizing you're the asshole but somehow it is. Its liberating. I feel like a bit of a SLEUTH. I feel better now.....

7 comments:

youngbradford said...

The only two people who can judge a relationship and know if it's one of value and happiness are the two people in it. From the outside the healthy relationships are sometimes not, and the ones you may think teeter on the brink are rock solid.

I don't need anyone to decide if my relationship is happy and growing. And the relationships I've not envied over the years turn out to be the strongest. Go figure.

What I am getting at is this: stop putting value on others' relationships, it's not your business, and stop making excuses for yourself. Analysis is fine. Overcomplicating things, over thinking things gets in the way of simple feeling.

Stop thinking and just live.

David Mason said...

I really do agree, theres really no sign or scale and way of judging "good" or "happy" or "secure" and yes, I think the best plan is just to live.

stan616 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stan616 said...

most of the new yorkers (ones I know) that move here to LA and then move back to new york include among their reasons something like "new york is more conducive to relationships than LA".
I suspect that it is simply a question of being comfortable with your chosen environment; and perhaps not regarding it as temporary.

thongtied said...

Love, in and of itself, is a challenging thing to manage. Add love on top of the daily business of living and foraging, and it seems almost impossible at times. It's not New York or LA or some other city that makes finding love conducive. Any city that feels inherently foreign will alienate you from yourself.

If love requires heart, and H
home is where the heart is - then ergo, love requires a home. How much you feel that the space you surround yourself is "home" to you will be the moment when you find your heart. Those walls that prevent one from finding love are not a fabrication of any city - it's the wall of self-doubt and defensiveness that you put around yourself. As Rupaul so eloquently points out: "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect people to love YOU".

When you finally acknowledge that you're home (no matter where you live), then you can open the door and welcome other people in.

dave10011 said...

I only knew one couple in nyc that had the kind of relationship i would want. I don't know any couple anywhere else that has this. A lot of couples I see make me glad I'm single.

Here's the flip side of NYC vs the rest of the country. You can't ignore other people. You can't pretend homeless people don't exist. You can't ignore problems. You have to deal with them. I always found LA kind of plastic. You have to be a billionaire in NYC (or close enough) to not have to deal with the real world. I think it's good for people. Seeing the world through tinted glass allows you to pretend you aren't a part of everything around you. That's not good. Yes, more space would be nice and that's why I think couples should get the hell out of Manhattan. There's more space once you move out a little bit. You don't really need to be in the gayborhood once you are married.

Kurt Walters said...

Day-um... guess we ain't on that friend list... maybe we made acquaintances?