Friday, February 24, 2012

There is a culture of hot "lost boys" in the gay world.

These hot boys need a plan. There is this common theme in the world of these super sexy boys who have no plan and so they do a ton a juice and then just kill themselves. Its sadly a common theme, very common actually. I had an ex bf who basically did it and now in the past two weeks there have been two suicides of these beautiful party guys. I think you can't have this attitude of more more more more more and bigger bigger bigger and simultaneously have plans for a future. I think what happens is they do more more more more more and realize it doesn't bring you the happiness that you thought it would so now you're what you THOUGHT was gonna make you happy but you're STILL NOT HAPPY so it seems like life is pointless so you off yourself. I also think the super high doses of testosterone make you semi suicidal. Its not like the test makes you suicidal but it makes you so extreme in your thoughts and needs that suicide sounds like an easy answer. There really is this culture of "lost boys" in the world. These beautiful hot guys who have no plan, no real job and they're gorgeous so they have too much pride to just work in the Gap like anyone else would and their friends all support one another but also keep each other down because misery (and drug users) love company so its this cycle of backing each other up only to keep each other down. Its very sad. I know many big guys, and party boys, who have offed themselves. Its very sad because its never a surprise. I wish I had work for them all.
Times like this I feel like Im alone and then you think of them and realize they must have felt even much more alone and you realize its not a "me" thing but an everyone thing.
Moral of the story is do less drugs, have real friends, take a little less testosterone, and get a job. It doesn't matter if the job sucks, good people won't judge you. I say it every time someone asks me about the mones THEY WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. I honestly think these people aren't aware of this and genuinely feel like its an experience unto their own when they get what they wanted, or THOUGHT it was what they wanted when its really just what they thought society wanted, but then they still feel empty and alone so they do more and more and more until they finally just die of mental exhaustion. Instead of stopping, assessing the situation, and realizing that doing the same thing over and over obviously isn't meeting their needs and then making a change, they just STOP LIVING. Its as though its too hard to look inward so they refuse LIFE ALTOGETHER. After looking outward for the answer for a lifetime, and then when they FINALLY realize the answer doesn't come from the outside, which is a HEAVY and IMPERATIVE piece of wisdom that they actually worked on to discover unbeknownst to them even, instead of finding the answer from the inside they just commit suicide when really they've JUST DISCOVERED the precious start to finding answers?! It feels like a failure and its painful, but really its step one in becoming whole. I remember once I was working on change in my life and I said to my therapist "Things are getting better but they're also getting WORSE?!" and my therapist said "GOOD! If things are going correctly you'll get worse!... and THEN get better." It seemed bizarre at the time but I was happy to learn that and now looking back it makes sense. Its interesting how things SEEM to get worse because actually if things are going well you'll actually start FEELING EMOTIONS and feeling emotions can feel BAD, which seems like things are getting worse, but thats GOOD because if you're feeling bad that means you're feeling SOMETHING and FEELING THINGS is the first step to becoming PRESENT and ALIVE. We spend TREMENDOUS amounts of energy to NOT FEEL THINGS. We do everything from drugs, to buying things, to working out, they're not always but OFTEN they're salves, or ARMOR (often in my case), or pain killers to stop us from feeling things. Its hard to imagine but consider how a pair of designer sunglasses work as a shield against the world, and how the label is like some CREST on a shield. Its all forms of advertising an "invincible" self, but its ALL FAKE. Don't get me wrong I LOVE a look, and this is SO MY SCHTICK, but lets for just ONE SECOND look deeper into the psychology behind it all and its all SUPER INTERESTING and WAY MORE then a LABEL, or a SHOE, or a "body", take a moment and ask yourself what you do to not feel things. Its harder then you think because for most its all unconscious behavior. For example my sister must ALWAYS have the radio on, or headphones on, why?, I think its because she doesn't want to be left "alone" for a moment even though I doubt she's even aware of it, or would admit it. This isn't advice or anything from my therapist by the way, a good therapist does NOT give advice, this is stuff I've come to after figuring it out for myself. Which I think is the only way to really learn something.
This all seems obvious to me now but I guess Ive done a lot of work the past few years. I take this info for granted. I feel sad about these guys and our culture sometimes but I also sorta get upset/ angry at them to be honest. Its a cliche but getting worse is the first step to getting better and I hope you all remember this when you're feeling down. I write this for you guys but I also write it for me. So that I can remind MYSELF of what I should be thinking when Im looking for answers.

21 comments:

youreviltwin said...

i love you, you get it. i'm so sorry.

James said...

It might be quicker for guys to read "Erik Rhodes's" blog than try this for themselves. Happiness isn't a state you can make yourself into, it seems to come to people who pursue something they're passionate about regardless of how hot or successful they are.

David Mason said...

Thanks guys!

Malibu Eric said...

You need to send this post to Out, Advocate, Huff Post Voices, etc. It's really good Dave, you have lived it, learned it and can preach it. Cheers to you.

WineSentient said...

what a tear-jerker, because it's true

Phillyguy said...

Well, our straight counterparts usually have kids so no matter how lost they feel, they can look at their tiny progeny and say, "I live for my kids." Gay men generally don't have that. Many of us remain single late into our years and wonder who and what we'll leave behind. It's sobering.

Man-uel said...

Yet another sad reality. These guys should understand that part of being happy comes from your personal achievents, from the hard work you put into things to get what you desire and desrve. Since these guys always get what they want without having to work for it, it does not fulfill them, they don't get the feeling of accomplishment and end up feeling empty, leading to their demise. You're right David, they should get jobs, become educated and contribute to society. There is no greater feeling than the feeling of accomplishment and success.

alvaro said...

it seems the plan "more more more, bigger bigger bigger" only works for psychopaths who have no regret and no feelings, and that keeps them going until they get a sugar daddy or pull out a successfull career somehow to be trapped later in the madonna effect of "I have it all, and Im sad an unhappy and write songs about it but that doesn't stop me from making more money since I will be sad and unhappy anyhow". It's so hard to keep up with having a drive within a project or two in your life, I guess, but it's all up to the expectations... for me, making it is getting to actually do it the way I meant it and want it to be with a margin of randomness that will make it work, not how much response or money I would get out of that, it's a matter of goals I think.

Leatherpigboy said...

i lost a very good friend this past year and so much of what you said hits home. Just thinking of him makes me cry still.

Brandon Lacy Campos said...

I have some deep connection to this

JamTheCat said...

Sometimes emptiness expands beyond your ability to fill it. I found my path to life by latching onto my writing, building worlds beyond myself and using that to scream in anger so loudly at what I see as wrong, the echoes of my cries filled the void. Now, because I found something larger than myself, the emptiness cannot take control. Cannot expand to where I can't deal with it. I may not have children or a spouse or anything like a long-term companion, but I do have my work and I find my meaning becomes more real to me, through that.

Like with you, Dave -- you have your designs and they are larger than you, greater than you, and so the emptiness will never be able to take over you.

Jeez...I don't know if this is making any sense. I just know, I have characters who want to tell their stories through me, and that is what makes me feel larger than I really am.

So...esoteric much?

David Mason said...

thanks for that comment! and all of your comments ! Thank you for reading

Sue said...

This is probably the most important post you have ever written; it holds truths that apply to everyone. Not just gay men. I am tempted to repost it on my blog.

http://suefairview.com/

Kurt Walters said...

Isn't the definition of insanity, doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results each time?

Kurt Walters said...

Isn't the definition of insanity, doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results each time?

frankie said...

Your brave observations and insights are unfortunately all too true...wisdom comes with age..all too often our community sees only the youth culture...brains and muscles are ok...having goals and utilizing your passion and talents are the ingredients for creating a life worth living....

Malibu Eric said...

I couldn't help but this of this post as I just read that Roman Ragazzi/Dror Barak died of a suicide on Saturday. Very sad when the demons take over.

Lawrence said...

Honey, you knocked that post out of the ballpark!

Lawrence said...

Honey, you knocked that post out of the ballpark!

Luke said...

Jesus christ you're brilliant David.

IanJ said...

Well said Dave, really well said... i love you even more for this!