These hot boys need a plan. There is this common theme in the world of these super sexy boys who have no plan and so they do a ton a juice and then just kill themselves. Its sadly a common theme, very common actually. I had an ex bf who basically did it and now in the past two weeks there have been two suicides of these beautiful party guys. I think you can't have this attitude of more more more more more and bigger bigger bigger and simultaneously have plans for a future. I think what happens is they do more more more more more and realize it doesn't bring you the happiness that you thought it would so now you're what you THOUGHT was gonna make you happy but you're STILL NOT HAPPY so it seems like life is pointless so you off yourself. I also think the super high doses of testosterone make you semi suicidal. Its not like the test makes you suicidal but it makes you so extreme in your thoughts and needs that suicide sounds like an easy answer. There really is this culture of "lost boys" in the world. These beautiful hot guys who have no plan, no real job and they're gorgeous so they have too much pride to just work in the Gap like anyone else would and their friends all support one another but also keep each other down because misery (and drug users) love company so its this cycle of backing each other up only to keep each other down. Its very sad. I know many big guys, and party boys, who have offed themselves. Its very sad because its never a surprise. I wish I had work for them all.
Times like this I feel like Im alone and then you think of them and realize they must have felt even much more alone and you realize its not a "me" thing but an everyone thing.
Moral of the story is do less drugs, have real friends, take a little less testosterone, and get a job. It doesn't matter if the job sucks, good people won't judge you. I say it every time someone asks me about the mones THEY WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. I honestly think these people aren't aware of this and genuinely feel like its an experience unto their own when they get what they wanted, or THOUGHT it was what they wanted when its really just what they thought society wanted, but then they still feel empty and alone so they do more and more and more until they finally just die of mental exhaustion. Instead of stopping, assessing the situation, and realizing that doing the same thing over and over obviously isn't meeting their needs and then making a change, they just STOP LIVING. Its as though its too hard to look inward so they refuse LIFE ALTOGETHER. After looking outward for the answer for a lifetime, and then when they FINALLY realize the answer doesn't come from the outside, which is a HEAVY and IMPERATIVE piece of wisdom that they actually worked on to discover unbeknownst to them even, instead of finding the answer from the inside they just commit suicide when really they've JUST DISCOVERED the precious start to finding answers?! It feels like a failure and its painful, but really its step one in becoming whole. I remember once I was working on change in my life and I said to my therapist "Things are getting better but they're also getting WORSE?!" and my therapist said "GOOD! If things are going correctly you'll get worse!... and THEN get better." It seemed bizarre at the time but I was happy to learn that and now looking back it makes sense. Its interesting how things SEEM to get worse because actually if things are going well you'll actually start FEELING EMOTIONS and feeling emotions can feel BAD, which seems like things are getting worse, but thats GOOD because if you're feeling bad that means you're feeling SOMETHING and FEELING THINGS is the first step to becoming PRESENT and ALIVE. We spend TREMENDOUS amounts of energy to NOT FEEL THINGS. We do everything from drugs, to buying things, to working out, they're not always but OFTEN they're salves, or ARMOR (often in my case), or pain killers to stop us from feeling things. Its hard to imagine but consider how a pair of designer sunglasses work as a shield against the world, and how the label is like some CREST on a shield. Its all forms of advertising an "invincible" self, but its ALL FAKE. Don't get me wrong I LOVE a look, and this is SO MY SCHTICK, but lets for just ONE SECOND look deeper into the psychology behind it all and its all SUPER INTERESTING and WAY MORE then a LABEL, or a SHOE, or a "body", take a moment and ask yourself what you do to not feel things. Its harder then you think because for most its all unconscious behavior. For example my sister must ALWAYS have the radio on, or headphones on, why?, I think its because she doesn't want to be left "alone" for a moment even though I doubt she's even aware of it, or would admit it. This isn't advice or anything from my therapist by the way, a good therapist does NOT give advice, this is stuff I've come to after figuring it out for myself. Which I think is the only way to really learn something.
This all seems obvious to me now but I guess Ive done a lot of work the past few years. I take this info for granted. I feel sad about these guys and our culture sometimes but I also sorta get upset/ angry at them to be honest. Its a cliche but getting worse is the first step to getting better and I hope you all remember this when you're feeling down. I write this for you guys but I also write it for me. So that I can remind MYSELF of what I should be thinking when Im looking for answers.