Monday, April 30, 2012

Options in Paradise....

I just returned from a trip to South America, which I had never been to before. I traveled through Argentina and Brazil starting off in Buenos Aires. Buenos Aires is sorta like that part in Bladerunner when they visit the toy makers house.
Its large and beautiful and old and sorta EMPTY. It leaves you slightly unnerved because it makes you aware of your own city's mortality. The city is LARGE in planning but not so much in populace. You definitely get this feeling that this city was once planning for big big BIG things so they built for it and then everyone LEFT or"left" aka "missing" aka murdered by one of the many uprising parties. The history of Buenos Aires is confusing with A LOT of turn overs and a pretty lady who died young of cancer who got a lot of press. I still don't get why the people liked her, or did they hate her? Its CONVOLUTED.
The streets are huge and broad like other grand cities and the trees are tremendous and lovely and the architecture varies from gorgeous turn of the century show pieces to eighties skank. In fact they're usually right next to one another.
It seems as though your living options in B.A are either mini bank like 1920's mansions or shitty 70s L.A style condos. There is very little advertising or mass marketing or branding on the streets, which IS refreshing BUT it did give you this sense of being cut off from the rest of the world or even behind some iron curtain. I spoke with someone who said that the government has taxed any foreign business so heavily that its near impossible to make a profit so major brands like Chanel or The Gap just LEFT. We did go in a Diesel store and it was so prohibitively expensive you would have thought it was Chanel. We looked at a pair of VERY BASIC combat boot and they were over 500 u.s dollars?! There was a small more modern area of the city with a Starck designed hotel that had COMPLETELY FIERCE UNICORN RESTAURANT that I demanded we eat in.
This area had a cool asymmetrical bridge
and was pretty close to their version of the White House but theirs is lit NEON PINK?! Its the same building where you've seen Eva Peron on the balcony delivering her swan song.
I was only there for three days so I can't say I experienced any gay scene and I didn't pick up any on the street and we stayed it what was considered the gay area which is a cute neighborhood of these mini mansions nestled in the shade of tall beautiful trees called the Palermo Soho. The people were friendly and looked like people from Spain but NOT LATINS. Im talking WHITE PEOPLE with SHAGGY HAIR and stubble and LONG faces but NOT Scandinavians.
No shade but they sorta had caveman elements but I mean that in the BEST WAY. What was NOT in the best way was the mens hair. Being a bit of a microcosm some soccer player must have started some trend and ALL the dudes jumped on board and decided to walk the streets for "INSANE BAD HAIR REALNESS". These guys were CREATIVE with the completely SKANK hairstyles they came up with. We thought we had a winner when we saw a guy who had a buzzed head EXCEPT for the BACK of the head which was short and spiky. It looked like he glued a toupee to the back of his head. We were outdone though when another guy walked by with same hair but with ADDED DREADLOCK RAT TAILS?!? BARF FACE upon viewing your dreads!?! I have attached this pick of the Grindr guys so you get a feel of the trade down there.
Everyone was fine. We didn't see any knock outs but nobody was particularly ugly either. Everyone was FINE. Tallish, long faced and WHITE with maybe a DUSTING of Latin but sure as hell NOT BLACK. We saw TWO black people in the entire city and it was like a unicorn walked in the room. Its always weird when that happens because as a New Yorker Im so used to the mix but until you step out of it and THEN a unicorn walks in you're like "OH WAIT, HEY GURL?! whats going on?!". The food was pretty good and very cheap. We ate steaks every night with a couple glasses of wine, salads, and potatoes for about 50$ every night. We went to the antique market on Sunday and I was very happy to find this one shop that was definitely SATANIC. All the other shops had their doors open except for this one that had the door shut and was manned by a surly man who looked like he MAYBE KINDA had sex slaves in the cellar AGAINST THEIR WILL.(In my circles I had to stress the against their will part.) I bought this metal claw of some kind of RAPTOR there for only 100$.
The place had tons of fierce stuff and all of it looked like something you wouldn't wanna find left on your doorstep only to pick up and hear the echoing CACKLE OF A NINE TOOTHED WITCH. I mean there was even like this little hand made Demon statue OH?!, and this portrait of a man that was so haunting my friend and I kinda couldn't stop staring. After I decided not to get it, at dinner my friend confessed to me he was really happy I didn't buy it because anything that got the kind of reaction that it did out of us could only have been PURE EVIL! We had two nights in Buenos Aires before heading to the countryside to the Candelaria Estancia which is the French Chateau that some super rich old ARGENTINE QUEEN (well I dunno if he was a queen but can you blame me for wanting to say ARGENTINE QUEEN- do you understand ?, good , now were sharing the SAME DREAM!) had built on his hundred thousand acre estate but since died.
It offered polo and horseback riding and bike riding etc but what we didn't know is that we would be THE ONLY PEOPLE STAYING THERE?!... FUCKING FIERCE It was like CLUE or the Rocky Horror show?! The entire castle was ours for the taking!! As soon as the care-taker went to sleep, as he was the only other one in the house, I CREPT out in full FETISCHE REGALIA and started MODELING naturally, all the while the care-taker snored away! I will have the pics SOON. Heres a SNEAK PEEK
We had NO LIGHTING and only a POINT AND SHOOT little camera but with that INCREDIBLE location and my NON-CREDIBLE MODELING PROWESS I promise something interesting! We seriously sat alone at a giant dining table for dinner and rang a bell for service, sorry but thats KUNT! I hate to sound shallow (too late I know) but was a dream come true.
We both wore Alexander McQueen in memoriam to dinner as he had stayed there, in my suite Im sure as it was the "Candelaria Room", before he died. I couldn't sleep after the shoot because I was WITHOUT DOUBT OF MIND that I was gonna wake up to the SPECTER of WITCH WOMAN trying to strangle me with hands like the claw thing I bought and glowing white eyes! So I sat under the sheets like a chicken with the lights on but at some point during the night the power must have gone out or something because I woke up in TOTAL BLACKNESS there was NOTHING just SOLID BLACK because the place was in the country. Somehow I managed not to scream like a VICKI VALE in BATDANCE (4:00 if you don't have this on the tip of your references like I do)

Batdance from Ryan Ferguson on Vimeo.

or some other WHITE BROAD and just fell asleep. I woke up to find I WAS NOT POSSESSED BY A WITCH and that the banquet table done up for breakfast, it was MUCH. We then took a plane to the JUNGLE to go see Iguazu Falls. We stayed in this fancy hotel called Loi Suites which had this fierce multilevel pool.
It was seriously in the jungle. Like there were actual NATIVES in HUTS living next door.
I felt bad riding in a car past their huts in the rain to a four star resort but my friend said we couldn't stop to buy the little trinkets they were trying to sell outside their shacks because they would try and kill us for our shoes. I am from New York City thank you I KNOW HOW TO FIGHT WITH A SPEAR!?!! In fact I find the prospect THRILLING!! We checked into the hotel in separate rooms and my friend got BLOWN BY THE BELLBOY?! like IMMEDIATELY. He said he tipped him and the guy didn't leave and then he looked and the guy had a boner and then the guy ran over and sucked him off and then ran off?! I got JACK SQUAT, in fact I had NO SEX THE ENTIRE VACATION but thats because Im SEMI dating a guy now who happens to be Brazilian so what do I need to fuck a Brazilian in Brazil for I have one at home who's too much already. Iguazu Falls is everything you could imagine, an absolutely godly prehistoric place.
Like all natural wonders photos don't do it justice. Its like Eden in Jurassic Park. There are little creatures called coati mundi that run out when they hear the noise of plastic bags, because assholes feed them,
and vultures and butterflies and toucans etc etc. I was very into it. Iguazu Falls has two sides and Argentine and a Brazilian side, and I recommend seeing both and seeing the Argentine side first. The Argentine side seems more PREHISTORIC.
As we can see with PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE this is CLEARLY the LAND OF THE AMAZONS! On the Argentine side they take you in a boat and actually go INTO the giant falls and Im not talking like MAID OF THE MIST Niagra Falls shit, Im talking like a STUNT they would NEVER do in the U.S and like ride the boat into the falls and you scream and think you're gonna die and can't open your eyes because of the water pressure and its awesome. Two people died doing it last year. The Brazilian side is more GRAND but also more TOURISTY
( I HAD to take her photo too) If you're gonna go I strongly recommend taking a private tour with one guide and NOT do a group thing because the experience is kinda ruined. The guy we had was cheap and nice and his link is HERE (we didn't do a bike tour). From Iguazu we flew to Rio. Rio is kinda exactly what'd you'd expect but NOT AS CHEAP and EVERYBODY HAS BRACES. There really are tons of good looking people. Like how I said Buenos Aires the people were generally fine, Rio is generally SEXY. The city just genuinely has this genetic mix where you happen to get A LOT of HOT guys, if you happen to like the dark and handsome type.
(grindr capture Rio) Like there are so many attractive people good looks don't have currency. What I mean by that is that in America if you're good looking you can move to the city and get a decent job just being a tiny bit savvy and being hot. In Rio hot is not enough and you end up have MODELS CLEANING TOILETS at the airport as seen in this attached photo.
Swear to go this dude was the BATHROOM JANITOR at Iguazu Airport and CARRYING A PAIL OF WATER to flush the toilets. Who in the modern world has FETCHED A PAIL OF WATER SINCE JACK MET JILL?!?! I mean he's like a total DSquared model. Anyways Rio was fun, hot taxi drivers with surly attitudes that push their seat back so you have to straddle them as they drive, cute chrome public access bus stop like gym things to work out on
and you can drink from coconuts all day. This pic
was one daddy at one coconut stand a would have BLOWN IN PUBLIC but he did not "see" my clydesdale pussy realness?! The down side is it is SKETCHY and when sitting on the beach you're harassed endlessly by drug dealers selling "empanadas" and other sketchy types selling anything but more then selling actually just standing in front of you starring and not leaving when you give the no thanks smile and nod. That said they come in waves like its not constant but like every ten minutes the BEGGARS CIRCUS comes through and you just grab your cash and ROLL OVER. The waves are big and beautiful but when we went they were too big to swim in and the current was super strong. I liked strolling along Ipanema the most though. I just put on "Relax" by Frankie goes to Hollywood (the New York Remix) and it was VERY HARD withstanding the urge to put one hand on your hip and SIP A COCONUT with the other and SERVE A RUNWAY CLOMP down the beach. It was a nice to surprise to find that there are NO tourist shops. I actually wanted a skanky RIO t but it didn't exist, I guess thats just not a Rio thing... HUH WHO KNEW?! I didn't go to any bath house or anything ,though everyone recommended, it as they say its all hot straight guys selling themselves but I just wasn't in the mood for whatever reason. I don't like the idea of having to pay personally. I went to the big club, The Week, that was fun too and managed remarkably. I ate at Porcao which I highly recommend as it was the best meat Id ever had in my life, or CLOSE TO IT, and it was ENDLESS. They just keep coming to your table with it piled on these swords even when you have the "NO" sign up on your table that they give you to signify to the waiters if you'd like MORE or LESS meat. Sadly my time in Rio was NOT AS ENDLESS AS THE MEAT and I had to get back to New York, just like I have to get back to work here now. If you have any questions about hotels, guides, restaurants etc just hit me up :)


Malibu Eric said...

Dave, have you ever watched the gay travel show 'Bump" with host Charlie David? You have GOT to be a host on that show or do your own travel show! It is another market for you to conquer. Your version would be insane fun to watch, cheers.

potrero said...

I just got back from BA today and everything you said is spot on. I did sample the night life by going to a couple clubs which were fun, but their drag queens need some help! We giggled watching one march around the Amerika dance floor all night as if she had heels on for the first time, only to prance up some bleachers and promptly fall off the back, then try to recover by singing Rolling in the Deep in broken English. It was out of control camp, fueled by the unlimited drinks they basically threw at everyone all night long.

JamTheCat said...

I officially hate you and your wonderful-assed trip. And can't wait to see more pics of you enjoying yourself. Gives your eyes this gleaming light.

rashasha said...

You write the best fucking travelogues.

I get a little sad when you don't post for long periods, but, that usually means you'll be posting about whatever trip you're on, so it makes exquisite waiting!

Sue said...

The overflow of gorgeous men into mundane occupations reminds me of Spain. I have linked to this travelogue since it is so entertaining. Great idea to post the Grindr image!