Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ok, Now for some post steroids clarity..... How gays rewrite childhood and puberty through use of hormones. This is probably the best thing Ive ever written on mones, not to toot my own horn but I think its worth reading.

I was just washing the dishes and you know how you can sorta get zen moments out of tasks of daily living where you can come to some deeper understanding of life whilst performing a semi brainless chore? Like you're making the bed and you realize your older sister resented your arrival on earth and sorta made life shitty for you and unnecessarily competitive and you never even knew it until that very moment because a thought ran into your head and it was "Why is Gloria Estefan on the radio? I hate her!" and then you think "Wait. I have NO OPINION on Gloria Estefan?! In fact I think I might LIKE Gloria Estefan?! She seems like a nice person!" and you realize that voice that said "I hate Gloria Estefan" was actually YOUR BIG SISTERS and you've just been carrying this unnecessary negativity FOR LIFE because you picked up from her and in some child brain Stockholm Syndrome survival tactic you adopted her negativity because it was better to join her in misery then have her project it at YOU?!? Well I just happily had, ANOTHER, one of those enlightening moments. So I finished my steroid cycle. It was a small, short one. It was the kind you do every other day not the once a week injection kind. I liked it more because as it was an every other day dosage it was less of a roller coaster of feeling normal and then FULL TILT BOOGIE STEROID KOOKERY, this was it was more of a steady middle of the road/ sometimes too much steroid vibe. I was less angry and ragey but basically constantly horny and semi anti social and I certainly had a mid level CONTENTIOUS ATTITUDE. It lasted a little less then two months. Had a little fun but I'm glad to be free of it. I was getting way too into jerking off every night. I dunno if I even had sex with anyone. It makes you VERY insular, and this is where I came to an understanding about something this a.m. I have written about steroids MANY times and they're always the most popular reads on the blog as everyone wants to know about them and nobody wants to admit it. If your interested in reading more search on the blog under (mones, roids, steroids, hormones) you'll have reading material for an evening and really get to see the up and downs of it all. So I was washing the dishes thinking "What is it that you're TRULY doing and getting out of the steroids? Why do SO MANY gay guys do it? There are OBVIOUS reasons, we don't need to discuss the obvious reasons. Im wondering about the unconscious or semi-conscious motivators.". I broke down the BASIC NEEDS that you're concerned with when on the mones. When I personally take them I become a bit of what is commonly known as a DOUCHE. I'm usually kinda funny, creative, silly, not so sexual, and fairly social. On mones all these "negative" but very REPTILIAN BRAIN aspects come out. I really become this alpha prick who's running on a far more primitive operating system. Animal drives run the show, I'm anti-social, contentious, anxious, racist, sexist, agist, self serving, gluttonous, aggressive, hyper sexual, self destructive and hungry. I hate a political joke but basically you're a REPUBLICAN. Now you break that down further and what are the main needs going on here? I WANT SOMETHING IN MY MOUTH AND I WANT SECURITY, and if you even go further into that need to have something in your mouth is ALSO a form of security. Its the essential baby sucking on a tit aka PURE ZEN. So really all the things the roids serve are this very unconscious need for SECURITY. Seriously all that stuff can be broken down into one of those two categories. It may seem strange but the anti-social, contentious, anxious, racist, sexist, aggressive behavior and the want to have these big muscles surrounding you are about SECURITY. Where does the paranoia of racism and sexism and aggression fit into security? Well its all about ORGANIZING THINGS in a PRIMITIVE WAY. Everything gets broken down to the most simple factors possible so any means to put someone in a box works. Are you and ACTUAL racist, no, but are you a PARANOID WEIRDO ready to jump on someone if they give you a sideways glade? Yes! any descriptive characteristic is an opportunity to organize someone into a box. For example a friend of mine is on mones too. He's genuinely a VERY nice person, in fact one of the sweetest people I know. He was walking down the street with a girlfriend of his and this Jamaican guy came up to him and his friend and he just said "FUCK OFF!" to him. Five minutes later his friend gets a text saying "Why did that guy tell me to fuck off?!" It turns out the guy of course was not some street hustler but the girls FRIEND FROM COLLEGE?! He was MORTIFIED and couldn't believe that he behaved like that but I SO can see it on the mones. You become so hyper vigilant and alpha dommy and so need to control EVERYTHING because you are obsessed with SECURITY AND SURVIVAL that you'll tell a stranger to FUCK OFF because he threatens you just by coming out of the ethos to say "Hi" and anything out of your field of control must be DESTROYED OR CONSUMED. ( I think this is where the self destructive behavior on the mones comes from as well as YOU YOURSELF CANT BE CONTROLLED so you actually attempt to "destroy" yourself as a means to control it! Wow I just realized that... so insightful?!... anyways) Now we've established that security and something in the mouth are the foundation needs to be met going on here. So why do gays need security and something in the mouth??? EYE ROLL!.. Well its sorta obvious, and there are MANY MANY reasons but the one that came into my head this a.m was OMG gays are re-experiencing a childhood, and a puberty, on THEIR TERMS! Sure TONS of straights do mones but gays SEEM to do it more and though there are MANY motivating factors and MANY very OBVIOUS and CLEAR factors I think there is this VERY unconscious need to re-experience a childhood and a puberty the way THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED. As a gay kid you KNOW SOMETHING IS UP. I knew when I was like 3 or 4 something was up, I didn't know what sex was, or sexuality, or gender but what I did know is that this feeling I had for men had to be PRIVATE because it was not "normal". Somewhere at some point some straight person MUST have "corrected" me OR I just picked up on the fact that I think differently then most just from being observant. I mean I didn't even know what attraction was, I was a KID... BUT.. I did know to HIDE my sisters Archie comic with the hot football player in the ski mask under ROCKS in my back yard because I liked to stare at it, I didn't know why, and I didn't know why I knew to hide it but I KNEW TO HIDE IT. So basically this process of behavior of course continues throughout childhood into puberty. All the straight kids get to progress, talk about sex, have sex, make out, and the gay kid is left staying there with this GIANT BOULDER in his path wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do. So you go through life and you finally get to come out and live your life, but the past you never got to have I THINK, I can't be sure, but I THINK it REALLY WANTS TO HAPPEN on an unconscious level. Those fundamental wants from childhood and puberty wanna happen. You wanna be able to "become a man" out in the open, you wanna have this process of development, you want the SECURITY that the other boys got to experience, you want the SEX you never got to have and you want the POWER you never had. All of these needs are met with the steroids unconsciously. You literally transform into a man, and not just a male but this powerful and sexual CREATURE.... EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED BUT NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE! Now the thing is I think if you're aware of these needs and this fact maybe its actually good to experience what steroids can offer but what I think happens for many is that you ARE NOT aware of these needs so you just end up taking MORE because you're not aware of your needs so you just take MORE and MORE because the NEEDS HAVE NOT BEEN RECOGNIZED so the need constantly CRAVES FEEDING because its STARVING because its never been fed or recognized, and with this over usage you then start doing drugs to combat the anxieties that are exacerbated by the steroids and the next thing you know you're a drug addict thats 250 lbs and you're super unhappy and those primitive reptile drives from the mones that I spoke about earlier have completely taken over, so to salve those anxieties you started doing more drugs ( I admit I started smoking a lot of pot?! which I stopped but it went from actually being this great thing where Id do stretches and come to understanding of semiconscious thoughts to this chronic every other day habit and I was becoming an anti social GRUB) and now you're a chronically unhappy, antisocial, roidtard with suicidal tendencies and can't figure out why you seem to have everything you wanted but aren't happy. So my current thoughts about doing steroids are this. If you want to try them always understand that they won't make you happy. The cliche that happiness comes from within is totally true. Steroids may satisfy some needs and I always think its sorta good to explore those needs because you may come to an understanding like I just did this a.m and I think its that kinda wisdom that you can't even pay for and it takes you to a higher plane of consciousness. This however takes the teeniest bit of brains and introspection and A LOT of being honest with yourself, so if you can't do that steroids might not be so cute for you. Will I smoke pot and do roids in the future, most likely, do I need to? no. Should I? no. Is it a sign that I just want security that Im not finding in myself? yes. At some point will I not take them? YES.. If I had to say one thing Id say aim for a happy medium which graduates to a higher understanding, a happiness from within, and zero need for mones. Though I also think its important to explore, because if I hadn't done them I wouldn't have come to this understanding. Just be safe and know to pull out if you start going to a dark place for too long. Knowing is half the battle...

14 comments:

SirsButterscotch said...

And you knew a genetic female would answer, but I need an answer to a different question so I feel I must throw myself on the pyre to ask for your wisdom.

All that being said, I am a genetic female, on genetic female mones who is a basket case and crying at a blog that showed a basket of kittens being rescues by a stranger. I don't cry. Ever. Yet, due to lady business, need to be on it. Sorry to taint your blog with estrogen, but it's the same. I have become a passive aggressive female who cries. A lot. I disgust myself. My question:

I love your term "Queening Out". What is the opposite. When a gay man plays a cheesy, straight truck driver who honks at boobies?

See, I am so passive aggressive right now that I had to tell you my problems before I asked my questions. I am a girl, God help me!

James said...

I had thought a similar thing about adolescence and steroids: I don't think it's a uniquely gay thing to enjoy a do-over of the hormonal side of puberty without being clueless or powerless.

David Mason said...

ok lady :) I have been in your shoes! You may not believe it but one time i did a cycle of steroids for a long time. when you do steroids your estrogen levels go up in order to try and balance you up. So then when you stopping injecting the synthetic testosterone are you're left with is extraordinarily high levels of estrogen. I would watch murder mysteries on bps starring joanna lumley and eat ice cream and cry at commercials of kids with cancer. So just know its the hormones controlling your brain.
to answer the anti queuing out question its just unceremoniously called "straight acting"

Rico said...

OMG I am just off my mones and watching all YouTube cute puppy and baby videos and crying at all the dog rescue videos. But at least my cum is getting back to creamy and not potato water. I still say older men like a little remembrance of things past when on the mones. Just cuz you on social security don't mean you don't want to guns and buns.

Michael said...

Paragraphs are a wonderful thing.

Michael said...

Paragraphs are a wonderful thing.

Unknown said...

David, I have read your blog for awhile and have commented a couple of times, and I just have to say, "well done brother'! A study was just published linking viagra use in young healthy males with growing feelings of inferiority the longer they used the drugs. Knowing that they were using the drug when in theory they didn't need to wrecked their self-confidence as they began to feel reliant on the the drug. I used to work in an HIV clinic in LA, and weather it was hormones, meth, or plastic surgery, the more patients relied on outside sources to meet their needs, the more dependent and undermined they became. You'd see these beautiful, strong, confident looking people who were nothing more than shells over self-loathing and self-destructive cores. We've lost so many extraordinary gay men and women to their own fear of confronting their own wants and loneliness that I get angry sometimes. Really angry. Not too mention that we've created our own culture that celebrates that veneer rather than confronting it (how American of us).

So, I commend your courage, your openness, and willingness to share your creativity and verve with the world. I wish more gay men sought the awareness that you are awakening too. It would nice to know you in real life I think. The next time you feel like doing a cycle, maybe consider not doing it and see what comes up in the light of your new insight. It may not be pretty, but it will be real and all you, and something that once you've got it, you won't be able to take away from yourself by thinking that it came from an outside sources. Plus, if you let someone embrace you in that moment, you'll know that they are really touching you, not the 'mone induced shell.

In the meantime, a stranger thinks you're awesome and is proud to have you in the tribe.

David Mason said...

Unfortunately I can't figure out how for it to allow for paragraphs dear cunt face. When I write, they're there. When its posted they're gone. I suggest writing articles yourself if this is a problem for you, or explaining to me the coding to make paragraphs happen, Thanks!

mbayisyen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
David Mason said...

well i can't tell you how to solve your problems, they're yours to solve. Just keep asking why and look inward.

Zachariah said...

I think the code is br (With the little tag markers tho). But who gives a fuck about paragraphs, those were some insightful words. I come on this blog and I'm saying "yes exactly!" out loud. Thanks for sharing your thoughts whether they're grammatically correct or not

David Mason said...

Thank you :) !!!

wolveriner said...

I think all gay men who go to the gym building muscles are insecure with themeselves, trying to seek approval. Taking the roids is just the next step up.

Thanks for the enlightenment and taking the time to clarify what most of us know but can't articulate.

Phillyguy said...

I do think gay men are more secure than most straight men; society has for decades told us that we aren't the real deal. Steroids help us level the playing field by confusing preconceived notions of what constitutes a gay man. However, David, is the only reason you use steroids because they produce lean muscle mass quickly? Surely you could do this without the "juice?"