Monday, July 23, 2012
Facing irrational anxieties and going to Fire Island for the first time.
I have never been to Fire Island. I always had this weird phobia of it that if I were to go there something VERY BAD would happen?! The weirdest part isn't the irrational JUJU ANXIETY itself but the fact that I KNOW its irrational and where it comes from even but STILL I had this anxiety and thus I never went. As a kid I was watching BIG BUSINESS and in it there is a joke where the punch line is "Fire Island". As a kid I of course did not get the joke so I asked my mom "Whats Fire Island" and she just said "You don't want to go there." SO in the back of my head until , well... NOW... I had this unreasonable anxiety that if I were to go to Fire Island SOMEONE WAS GOING TO DIE! Well I just WENT... and NOBODY DIED... nobody even BROKE THEIR SUNGLASSES! I went with my friend Daniel who someone between Pat Ast, Joan Rivers and Mama Cass DRESSED LIKE A LADY GORILLA He had never been to Fire Island either. He booked us into a house in Cherry Grove. We arrived at night, which I recommend as the people all light up their cottages and it has a semi magical elvin village effect to it. I liked it quite a bit actually. Most gays like the Pines as the houses there are more chic and sorta look like Calvin Klein Home editorials but I have to say I honestly liked Cherry Grove more. It wasn't fancy, but I liked the hippie artist vibe of it all surprisingly. everyone in Cherry Grove seemed like they worked for JIM HENSON ENTERPRISES. Like you could look at the people and say "that one makes puppets, That one does wigs for puppets, that one the puppet with short shorts is based on etc etc etc" Where as the Pines was nice but everyone just looked like everyone at Equinox. In Cherry Grove I felt like I could get away where as The Pines I felt like it was just Manhattan moved beachside. It was very nice, but I felt like there was a pretense going on that didn't exist in Cherry Grove. They name their houses in Cherry Grove and its hard to be a snob when PEACHES PLACE is written on SEA SHELLS out in front of your house and you have a garden of LIGHT UP DOLL HEADS in your front yard. YES, I know there are lesbians in Cherry Grove... SHHH! Don't say that word! Next time I visit I'll stay in The Pines just to get a feel for it. It seemed cute and kinda frat housey in a way, just not as laid back or friendly. We visited a couple friends houses and I get why people stay there. The guys are cuter and you have pools. We were beachside in Cherry Grove so we didn't need one but I see how a pool could be nice. NOT EVERYONE in Fire Island is nice though... there is ONE FOUL QUEEN..... Ok so Daniel and I walking from Cherry Grove to the Pines through "Meat Rack" which is the only way we even know. The path is very Lord of the Cockrings and there are like curly trees and little paths and stuff. Daniel says "You go that way, I'll go this way" so WE DO. I DUNNO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT but unbeknownst to me I somehow get COMPLETELY TURNED AROUND?!?! I usually have an EXCELLENT sense of direction but I swear the WOOD NYMPHS tricked me and I got TOTALLY LOST. I walked out on what I THOUGHT was the same beach I was walking down before so I walk down to the beach because I just have no idea where I am so if I just follow the beach I'll get to the Pines right???.. WRONG! Out of nowhere this RANCID NASAL OLD SEA HAG of a QUEEN starts yelling at me. He's spitting some PRECONCEIVED RANT at me about how "Ive pissed off some LAND OWNERS ( land owners?!?! ARE WE IN MEDIEVAL EUROPE?!...IS THERE SOME TYTHE I HAVENT PAID??) and they've taken my picture and the police are going to fine me 500$ for walking in the dunes and how this is FEDERAL PROPERTY." Thats GREAT but CUNT if you're going to get me to listen to you change your TONE, stop being PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE and saying "Ive pissed off "some land owners" when Ive really just pissed off YOU and you refuse to OWN IT and then on top of it is the land OWNED PRIVATELY or is it FEDERAL because you said its BOTH... which is ANOTHER LIE... So I just apologized for the crime that I was completely unaware I was committing and he asked me if I was HIGH. I was NOT HIGH. I didn't even have a drink that day so DO NOT then add insult to injury and call me HIGH for not knowing where I am. I really wanted to lay into the cunt but I just WALKED AWAY. Once I found Daniel and my other friends they assured me that that old man actually stands there ALL DAY and does that to any WAYWARD HOMO EMERGING FROM THE THICKET.... The bitch actually threw me off my game for about two hours. Its funny how if you're just sitting there having a great day and someone just spits negativity at you it can just STICK. LUCKILY I have been getting A LOT better at getting over this stuff and it only lasted a little while that I was thrown off my happy game BUT I did dream I was being chased out of a theme park and someone was trying to KILL ME! Clearly my unconscious mind dealing with his NEGATIVITY RAPE! NEGATIVITY RAPE is that mans only way of interacting with guys I bet so let him have it, BUT if he tries it again Im gonna let HIM have it! Im fully ready to get totally Julia Sugarbaker on him as I realized I was where I wasn't supposed to be but I literally WANDERED out on to it, there were NO SIGNS or anything.... Rehashing this makes me want another ROSE SPRITZER. I drank a FEW Rose Spritzers there over the weekend. I have NEVER seen such a LARGE selection of ROSE wines in my LIFE. I LOVED IT. It was fun being on a gay planet but by the forth day I was ready to head back to my own turf of Manhattan where if someone screams in my face Im happy to return the favor. but Im warning you Mr. Orange Shirt! I WILL be back!!!
Posted by David Mason at 11:56 AM