Thursday, September 6, 2012

Would you ever do a gay cruise?? I just did the Atlantis Celebrity Equinox tour.

Im genuinely having a hard time describing what the gay cruise I went on was like. Most of my friends thought they would feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed by the gays but I honestly can say you don't seem to feel that at all but you certainly do feel SOMETHING and, for me at least, its very hard to pin down. The first few days I did have this mild feeling of "Im not enjoying this and would leave if I could." and most of my friends felt the same way. Why did we feel this? I think it was simply because it was new and none of us "got it". You see I can say for sure there is one thing about the cruise that was hard for me. On the ship "FIERCE", something that is very important to me as it means the lust for life, does NOT EXIST. Neither does "cunt" or "rad" or "major" or even a GAG. So for me I felt like it was purgatory. In the beginning I was just unhappy and bored. It felt unsocial and mediocre and I felt semi trapped but only trapped because I wasn't feeling interested. This is going to sound rotten, because it IS kinda rotten, but its a lesson I guess I needed to learn. You see I think I was feeling sorta bored on the ship because I sorta felt like "WHY BOTHER". The reason why I was feeling that is because you see the ship is open to ANYONE, so long as you have 3,500 to pay for the ticket. Now thats not so bad but what you don't realize is in your life you make A LOT of personal choices. You go to your own retail stores, your gym of choice, your grocery store of choice, etc. Now on the ship this is NOT the case. Everyone shares everything. It sorta like being in functioning communism. I don't even know if this is an accurate description to be honest but its the best I can do. You see I trained before this cruise pretty hard as you can see in the pic of my Roman costume. I did this because I assumed everyone else was as well. My previous vacations were Madrid Pride, Barcelona circuit Week, La in general... They are all VERY BODY ODY ODY oriented. I trained like it was the Olympics only to show up and realize I was training for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!... Oh that is ROTTEN!!! and Im totally kidding and I DO realize I will VERY SOON be one of these people who "don't bother" and these people who don't bother are probably HAPPIER and SMARTER then me but just understand this is where I was coming from. Im not saying where I was coming from was RIGHT, Im just saying thats where I was coming from, so to show up and have the average age be 52 I was little let down. Which is weird as I like older guys but I sorta felt like I couldn't share with people, at first. Something I realized that was interesting was that I actually found a few older guys really hot but they assumed I never would which is funny cause if they did know they woulda had a good time! So if you're older don't assume younger guys aren't into you!!! Oh and in case you're wondering yes everyone hooks up on the ship but my roommate and I did NOT. I fucked one guy ONCE and didn't even cum and that was IT. I felt lucky though as the guy was actually a guy in my "oily greasy tops" picture folder so Id thought he was sexy for years. Unfortunately the "TOP" part was wishful thinking but I was just glad he liked me so I was happy to be the top and SPIT ON HIM AND FUCKED HIM TO BE NICE :) Now whats funny is if I was on the ship and it was all hot young guys I think I would like it LESS. You see this was the Mediterranean cruise which is more "upscale" which means the crowd is richer and thus older. I prefer this to some skanky, young, tweaked out, crowd which thoughtlessly hands over money to the Caribbean, a place that loathes existence of gays in general, so I refuse to support them in any way. Nobody died on our cruise as opposed top the Allure of the Seas Caribbean cruise where I think three/four people died last winter? I could be wrong. SO anyways my friends and I were sorta like "Why are we even here? This is not for us." Im not crazy about feeling "middle of the road" and I think just because this is basically an entire community forced to work together floating from one island to another everything has to be targeted to the middle. As someone from NYC I felt like that people from the coasts might feel a little left out. Thank god Jackie Beat was on board because otherwise I really would have felt that there was nothing for "us" on board. The comedy acts were fine but there is nothing less funny to me then comedy so I avoided those acts. Alec Mapa was one of the comedians and Im sure he is a nice person but nice doesn't make for interest on my part. I didn't need to feel "Oh, thats so true about normalness?!" OH, WAIT!!! I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! This cruise is an opportunity for people to live like I do?!?!? I live in a very gay neighborhood, go to a predominantly gay gym, and hang out with trannys in clubs and socialize... YES... Thats it!!! This cruise is an opportunity for people who may not be so socially experienced to safely live in a world where everyone is gay. Yes!, thats it, and thats why I was just sorta sitting there looking at my watch. Its because Im on this "cruise" in my ACTUAL life. Huh, yes and thats why I think it seemed so exciting for some of these older gents and small town types. Im NOT judging mind you, I TOTALLY get it. Ive been one of those people. The first time I ever saw a drag queen I ASKED FOR HER AUTOGRAPH, so I know what its like to be enamored simply by GAYNESS EXISTING AROUND YOU. Im also sure for a lot of these guys they didn't get to experience "gayness" in such a saturated manner before so, OK now I totally get it. I mean of course this all makes total sense now and I knew it before but when you're experiencing it first hand your left sitting there wondering "why is this not killing me?" Riddle solved. So after a few days you realize you just have to make your own fun and buy a FEZ at the Turkish Bazaar like a DUMB CLOWN and run around on the deck in it.
Suddenly it does get better, and the excursions were part of that. I got to visit Ephesus which was really important to me and I have to say Malta was a total surprise and totally beautiful. I'll insert pics when I get my phone back. I stupidly walked across a part of the boat with fountains and it turned on and sprayed my phone so Im waiting to have Tek Serve rescue my photos if possible and put them on a zip drive. My friend that I went with is sober, which I really like as a loathe a drunk and Im not a big drinker myself, so that was great because he has about the same tolerance for cornball dance parties that I do and we'd end up playing CONNECT FOUR in the game room by the glass elevators. Luckily Jackie Beat was on the plane from Newark to Italy with us so we became SEMI friends, she's incapable of joy, and would breakfast with her and play Connect Four with her. When she wasn't in the game room with us we were entertained in other ways. The first night we were playing Connect Four as we watched some pour guy all WHACKED OUT on G with his "friends" helping him in the elevator and had to laugh, WHILE FETCHING SECURITY, as the elevator came back down with a lifeless body in it and NOBODY ELSE?! Luckily by the time we got security someone else had RUN OFF WITH THE BODY! Seriously, we were watching the whole thing and then like a cartoon you could just see DEAD FEET pointed up as the elevator went up and down. We got help. He lived, and slept fine Im sure.
You have to say a lot of HELLOS to people. That part is nice but a little exhausting. Luckily my friend is a sales person and can do that in his sleep. Im not so great at it but Im getting better. The 24 hour buffet was fun and better then I expected. I mean it wasn't AMAZING but it was fun to be able to go eat pizza and dessert at 3 in the morning if you wanted. The cruise staff was very nice actually. I only had issue with some eastern european waitress with dyed maroon hair, the kind usually reserved for Puerto Rican moms in 95' who yelled to us "Don't throw your receipt on the ground! It clogs the pool!" Ummmm BITCH, I HATE a litterbug so please do not assume its ok to talk to me like that or assume I litter myself!!!... I actually yelled "Im AMERICAN, Americans don't litter!" which makes NO sense because I should have said "PRIVILEGED PEOPLE DONT LITTER!" Because I see poor people litter all the time. I think if your neighborhood sucks and you feel like you got the raw end of a deal then shitting on the earth is all you can do to make yourself feel a little better then. The parties were fine, certainly not cool as there was ZERO TRANNY PRESENCE and NO GO-GO dancers?! A party MUST have go-go dancers. I actually wrote in the comment cards that the parties needed 3 hot guys, one fierce tranny, and one gorgeous girl, its the standard club recipe and genuinely makes a difference. I think they could spent the $$$ for five dancers and cut some crappy singer. The entertainment sorta blew. I liked Matt Yi who wore a rainbow mumu and waved a magic wand. He had great vibes. Jackie Beat was the only edgy/funny thing and did four great shows. The other acts for me were not watchable. There was this guy who was kinda funny but it was WEIRD because he called his act the "Dame Edna Experience" but he had his own material which was funny so he really didn't have to call it that. We were sitting there thinking "What is this? and why is he likening himself to Dame Edna when his own material is funny?" Sorry but a "Dame Edna experience" sounds like a ride on the RIP OFF MACHINE. The other entertainers made me think that thought I often think when witnessing a shitty drag routine where I wonder "How is this any different then what you do in your bedroom alone and WHY ARE YOU SUBJECTING ME TO IT?!" Mind you though the older people seemed happy. this is the crux, do you make the older people happy and loose new clients or make the young clients happy and leave the old ones wondering what the fuck they're watching. Id say its very hard to balance both but that they need to focus more on the younger guests as thats where the growth is. 72 year olds are not blogging to RANDOM CYBERSPACE and the anyone who will read it about the cruise. If you asked me at first would I do a cruise again I woulda said "Um.. not for me." but as time went by we all settled in and realized its chill and the convenience of your hotel room traveling to different locations and never having to pack/unpack is really nice. In all honesty it was nice just relaxing after a while and putting cute looks together. In New York I am SO used to everything being a competition that it was hard for me to have fun because it wasn't competitive, which I know sounds weird but it was true. It was nice to learn that lesson actually. It was nice to see older gay guys happy and more chill. The older guys were the ones I found way more interesting to talk to. One guy was so old it was his 80th cruise?! He watched Marilyn Monroe do the 7 year itch skirt scene for press?! Which to me he might as well have said "I DID CLEOPATRAS EYEBROWS." Was the cruise fierce? NO. Was it nice? YES. Was it a good lesson to learn that everything doesn't have to be an aggressive cut throat competition spiked with trannies and flash bulbs to be a good time, YES. Was it nice to just talk to someone for no other reason then just sharing and being nice YES. Was ten days enough YES.


Sue said...

Great report and I can't wait to see your photos. Do you think you will ever go again?

Anonymous said...

Great report, and timely for me. I'm going on an Atlantis cruise in the Caribbean in February ;) It'll be my first cruise of any type so it'll be interesting in more ways than one.

Rico said...

Living in the Midwest, Metro Detroit, far from the madcap crowd, Provincetown has always been a vacation in Gaytown USA. I always wondered about cruises. You offered no encouragement. I am one of those feeble retired gays at 63, but actually after those coked filled wonder years of NY with the Anvil, The Saint, LA Probe, Miami Warsaw I feel better more low key. Competition among us is still fierce and I hit the gym to maintain health and strength, but Life is shortl Lots of sadness. We got to keep our heads to the sky. I know I am a cornball, but I have hope for us all.

rashasha said...

I am surprised you didn't fill in the go-go boy quotient when the opportunity was there.

How amazing is it to have toured Ephesus with Jackie Beat! Or, did that hag stay on the boat that day?

The Marilyn Monroe/Cleopatra comparison is what makes you a special star!

Unknown said...

I hear what your saying. My problem with cruises is that it's a hyper-controlled, bland atmosphere. In other words, it's like a trip to the mall. There's very little or no room for surprises.