Friday, October 12, 2012

Woah! Heavy! Your dad might not care about you and thats GREAT! Read on to find out why.

Ok So I was at my therapists the other day and really feeling like I didn't have much to talk about. Work is great, life is great, there really isn't much current issue at hand BUT that is when the heavy shit has opportunity to come through as there are pressing matters at hand. SO, guess what I discovered?! Ok I dunno if you're aware but you can know everything, you really can KNOW everything and most of you probably do BUT until you actually FEEL whatever it is you "know" its really just more like obvious shared information that might be true but until you can actually FEEL IT is when you KNOW IT. This is proven by the fact that you can know very obvious things but its not until you personally experience it that you get it and THEN you understand the depth of it. This is why therapists shouldnt/dont say much, otherwise its just advice and advice is great but unless its EXPERIENCED its really just shared knowledge which is great, but very different then EXPERIENCED WISDOM. Well this just happened to me. Ive known forever that my dad was not very interested in his kids BUT I actually never GOT IT. WHY? because when you're a kid everyone is telling you this person is your parent and they care for you and blah blah blah, all the stuff we know. Whats interesting is despite all this information and set up my fathers actions were very different. Believe it or not I NEVER EVER GOT IT. When you're a kid you come into this world and you get thrown into a system and what you don't realize is these two parents are PEOPLE, not parents, they're just two people but you only know them as GODS basically because they made you. Well those two people are going to try their best at, or a reasonable version there of, being this new "parent" thing. Now what I realize is that they were two people, they knew the situation, which was rotten, hence the divorce, but my mom was gonna try and paint my dad in the best light possible for me and my sister DESPITE my fathers actions. Which is interesting because I NEVER GOT THAT. I knew it, but i never saw it for what it was. Of course I saw it first hand BUT I never UNDERSTOOD IT. What I believed was what they told me DESPITE his actions which really confused me and had me develop this weird concept of what being loved is. You see I was lucky in that I had a dad that wasn't awesome BUT he wasn't THAT BAD. I didn't get beat BUT the dude could have really cared less about us and what I realize ONLY THIS WEEK was that he really was disinterested the entire time and was just doing what he could to be seen as good despite constantly doing the opposite with his actions and constantly saying "Its not my job to entertain you" and "You never call me" (despite the fact that I was a kid and he was traveling salesman so how could I possibly as this was PRE CELL PHONE and in a time where "long distance" existed AND what parent tells their kid "Its your job to care for me."? He really just was NOT AT ALL INTERESTED and I never picked up on it. Believe it or not its not even personal?! Its not a ME thing, its this guys situation. Unfortunately he can't see beyond himself and his subsequent gambling addiction so there really was no room for anyone else in his life and as an adult I GET IT. Its not AWESOME, its sorta SHITTY, but I get it and Im at PEACE with it. I know that sounds SO OBVIOUS but until now I never realized how hard it is to step outside yourself to see the obvious. My father was a guy who was never interested in anything beyond himself and gambling, so we were just an annoyance, so thats why he was passive aggressively so mean. He would just not come and pick us up as we waited, and if he did arrive it was never less then an hour, or four, late which doesn't sound like much but as a kid when you're sitting there on the couch its TORTURE as you are left to sit and STEW IN THE OBVIOUS that this person doesn't give a shit of course despite that its the opposite that you're taught to believe. Its all very interesting, it really plays into SO MANY factors of my life and my decision making patterns and such but thats a whole different article SO.. In all honesty I NEVER truly got it. Despite what I was told THIS GUY JUST DIDNT CARE!! I honestly think he did his best despite honestly not caring. Im SURE in his eyes he did A LOT and I bet in his eyes he did?! When I wrote him a letter after not talking to him for ten years he said "I did a lot at Christmas, I gave you 20$ to buy your mom a present" He really did NOT get it. I don't think he could ever see beyond himself, like I couldn't, and for being completely disinterested he did a pretty good job. I almost want to say "Why couldn't you just be honest and say "I really don't care" because at least I wouldnt have a life time of confusion, frustration and subsequent anger, but I actually think they made the right decision because I think some parents DO say it that clearly and it would be devastating as a child and its my job as an adult to sort this shit out and be happy own terms. The problem with the way my parents did it is that this isn't perfect either and leads to a life of skewed decision making and MAYBE some poor decisions based on this philosophy of life. I mean it is NOT hard to translate this thought process to SM for example, and I by no means see S&m as "bad" but it does make sense that rough sex would be attractive to someone who was told one thing as a child despite the actions being totally opposite. I mean what is SM if it isn't this: "I hit you and spit on you, but I love you." I mean HELLO when was I ever attracted to someone who was NICE to me?!?! I THINK what it is, is that instead of just knowing what was obvious as a kid which was THIS GUY DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, which would be waaaay too much to take as a kid, your parents tell you the total opposite so you feel good and instead of recognizing the actions, you believe the lie which becomes your LIFE and then you can't even step outside of it and see it for what it is. I feel like if you were to know this it would just be too devastating for a child so what you do is you make it out the YOU are the bad one and YOU are not good enough and don't care enough and you're the bad person for not calling your father... I seriously did this up until THIS WEEK?!?!? I was FUCKED UP... granted as a child I think this was the better plan because if I was the bad one at least in my mind MY FATHER CARED FOR ME which is SUPER important to a kid. Its better to be a "heartless selfish kid" in your mind with a dad who cares for you then a "good kid" who's dad doesn't give a shit. SO now that Im 37 and Ive really made an effort to sever old ways of thinking that don't serve me anymore, or in fact serve me in a negative way, I actually discovered this and Im SUPER HAPPY ABOUT IT. Like I FEEL REALLY VERY GOOD ABOUT KNOWING THIS. Now you might be like "Why does realizing that your father never cared and was made to put on a show (not winning an oscar any time soon) about caring about you is a great thing? It sounds AWFUL" ... WELL let me tell you when I discovered it I initially was like "UGH?! That is some HEAVY SHIT and you wanna cry but what weird is I didn't because I was really devided, on one hand recognizing this hurts but simultaneously I realized "HOLY SHIT IM NOT A "BAD" PERSON AND I HAVE BEEN HATING MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS NEVER ENOUGH AND ALL THE WHILE I WAS THE "GOOD" ONE, NOT the "BAD" ONE?!" It felt great! As an adult I can handle this information and really am grateful I now have deeper understand and no longer operate under an system I developed as a child. I genuinely felt like I CANNOT BELIEVE IVE HATED MYSELF FOR THIS LONG BECAUSE I WAS BELIEVING A LIE BECAUSE I NEEDED TO AT THE TIME... but Woah I SOOOOOOO do not need to believe that lie anymore. Im sorta super happy and hope anyone else in the same situation can discover the same thing. Now Im going to Bergdorfs to go christmas ornament shopping with Rupaul... not lying. OH ps. I just realized this normally would have been cleared up by my mother perhaps as an adult but because she died when I was 24 I never got any of the info that normally your parent could share with you when you're both adults.

4 comments:

Jim said...

I totally get this post! It's the opposite of "it's not you, it's me"...Sometimes IT IS THEM! And you get stuck with the warped sense of reality.
On a lighter note, hope you had fun ornament shopping :) We opened our Holiday Shop today but I'm sure Bergdorf's had an even more mesmerizing selection. You were in good company :) "WORK!" ;)

Sue said...

Seeing one's parents from an adult perspective is a work in progress. Congratulations on the first step. Your dad sounds like a real piece of work. What a jackass not to value a son like you. But you know, in all fairness to him, society says that straight men should marry and reproduce. So he in turn was bowing to that pressure, even though he wasn't really interested.

http://suefairview.com/

Ivan said...

Goddamn it, I was totally about to rub one out when this stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned 27 on Monday and I have been going through a similar situation this year with my shrink

First, the way you presented understanding yourself for the first time is totally spot on. I knew my dad wasnt the greatest but I never really understood the gravity of this up until this year.

My father had/has major PTSD from Vietnam and I grew up in a house of constant anger, yelling, and his drinking. He never hit me or anything that would be considered "abusive" so much like you, "he wasnt THAT bad" but it was bad enough that we don't speak too often now. He was a man who, like yours, did things to be a "good" dad, but who's actions MAJORLY outweighed his words.

Now I totally gravitate to guys who are older, kind of dicky, and rough. I totally get that it stems from that, but it's just been a heavy thing to process I guess.

I'm going through it, I feel better than Im beginning to understand my own behaviors as a result, but if there is a way to describe this- it's like being on The Truman Show where somehow you were left out of the equation.

Thanks for posting.



Ivan said...

Goddamn it, I was totally about to rub one out when this stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned 27 on Monday and I have been going through a similar situation this year with my shrink

First, the way you presented understanding yourself for the first time is totally spot on. I knew my dad wasnt the greatest but I never really understood the gravity of this up until this year.

My father had/has major PTSD from Vietnam and I grew up in a house of constant anger, yelling, and his drinking. He never hit me or anything that would be considered "abusive" so much like you, "he wasnt THAT bad" but it was bad enough that we don't speak too often now. He was a man who, like yours, did things to be a "good" dad, but who's actions MAJORLY outweighed his words.

Now I totally gravitate to guys who are older, kind of dicky, and rough. I totally get that it stems from that, but it's just been a heavy thing to process I guess.

I'm going through it, I feel better than Im beginning to understand my own behaviors as a result, but if there is a way to describe this- it's like being on The Truman Show where somehow you were left out of the equation.

Thanks for posting.