Saturday, January 12, 2013

Reptile brain deactivated.....

I get acupuncture monthly from Ryan Smith and if Im not feeling like I need to work on my shoulder, which I don't anymore, I try something new. This time I wanted to raise my "yang". I was coming off doing a cycle, from October to the beginning of December, and was feeling like a chemical woman because my estrogen levels are so high from doing steroids. SO, being that the juice is now fully out of my system I was starting to feel like a human again instead of a REPTILE MACHINE. The literal FEELING OF EMOTIONS was coming back and I was feeling EVERYTHING. Its funny how when you come off the mones you actually forget and don't realize that you've been in reptile brain for two months and now you're turning back into a human so you actually feel THINGS. Like I was just feeling EVERYTHING and couldn't explain while I just felt out of control. I was feeling all of my emotions at once like happy, anxious, angry, nervous, relaxed, defensive at once. Normally you feel all these things and you don't even realize it, but when they've been shut off and come back on its like "What is this BIZARRE SENSATION?!". It was because I was actually FEELING THINGS. It was everything all at once so I felt like I was no longer this solid robot body but this very amorphous permeable being. It felt as though I could walk through a wall. Almost as though I was SUBLIMATING. So I asked Ryan if he could bring back my "Yang", the male chi, AND give me some much needed grounding. This time he did acupuncture but ALSO did this thing where he sticks in this little dart and it stays in your ear as long as you want... Well let me tell you IT WORKS... ITS SO WEIRD... I feel CONTENT. Im just sitting here FINE. I actually don't know what to do though. I honestly don't know the last time I've sat in my apartment with no drive or NEED for drive. Im just SITTING HERE FINE. Im not used to it. I actually got up to write to do SOMETHING. I guess this is what people do, like they read or watch tv, or eat. I just NEVER do it and don't know what to do. Its weird being normal, I don't know how to take it. I feel like I should be making something or lifting something or eating something, but I have no desire. Im not apathetic, Im just like Winnie the Pooh in the Tao of Pooh, like zened out and thats fine.. I guess... I feel guilty for not being productive or creative. WHAT DO PEOPLE DO IF THEY DONT MAKE THINGS, THINK ABOUT THINGS, OR LIFT WEIGHTS?!?!? This is hard. I think Im going to start doing yoga and actually take personal kick boxing lessons because I wanna know how to actually use my body instead of just modifying it.
That little thing in my ear is the dart. I can take it out when I want and probably will tomorrow or tonight. Its a tiny bit annoying to sleep with cause if you hit it, it hurts, but you rarely hit it. There is a learning curve though because you don't realize how unconsciously you scratch your ear often.

5 comments:

Mathias N Oz said...

I pass out when they take my blood for HIV tests, I would be really relaxed from acupuncture because I would be passed out unconscious! Needles ack!

Stanimal5 said...

The reason why those "feelings" seem to be gone while you're on the steroids is probably due to testosterone suppressing your response to cortisol. Do you think the different hormonal states impact your creativity in different ways?

duaner said...

2013! Learning to use our bodies!! Yes!

Faz said...

Good luck with finding your balance! I highly suggest hot Bikram yoga. It's the most physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging thing I've ever done, and has completely changed my life. It's very empowering.

Faz said...

Good luck finding your balance. Yoga is a great idea. I suggest hot Bikram. It's the most physically, mentally, emotionally challenging thing I've ever done, but applying what I learn in the practice to my everyday life has proven immensely beneficial. It's a continuous learning process of being at peace and reaching further.