Saturday, January 5, 2013

WOW!...... What a wacky holiday?! Thank you so much for a great 2012!

Ok, I decided to fly to L.A on X-mas because I had nothing to do that day and last year I decided to stay here and it was the worst idea ever because spending X-mas alone actually does suck. So I decided I would splurge and buy myself a first class ticket for the first time ever on United and make a nice day of it.... WORST IDEA EVER. First off the plane was delayed not because of technical error, or weather, but because THE PILOT DIDNT SHOW UP! This puts my faith in the pilot at the lower end of the spectrum. Then I realize the seat I selected has mysteriously been changed. This would not normally be an issue but it ends up being a BIG ONE. Why?, well let me tell you. My seat gets moved from 1f to 2f. The "first class" cabin is a SHIT BOX. Its dumpy, from the 80s, the seats barely recline, there are NO TVs, NO OUTLETS, NO SOUND!!! They have one of those tv's that come down from the ceiling for shared viewing but the sound doesn't even work... So its already well below the economy seating which I could have got for 300$. Im TOTALLY PISSED I paid 2,750 for a TOTAL RIP OFF and I'm STEWING IN MY RAGE. Then it gets worse. The person that somehow got switched to the seat I paid for and selected online is this CORPULENT FREAK that looks something like a combo of Bruce Villanche
. (sorry Bruce I appreciate you but he did look like you!) and Oswald Cobblepot aka THE PENGUIN from Batman Returns
Hes traveling with his aged mother which is why I got bumped, ok thats cool. I totally get it. I go to shut my window and the blob TURNS AROUND IN HIS SEAT AND OPENS IT. I immediately close it again as it is CLEARLY my window. Yes- when he reclines his seat, which you're not allowed to do before take off, his seat partially goes into my window, but its clearly my window. Heres a pic of my window and his seat.
He turns around again and opens it. I immediately shut it, We literally start opening and closing the window immediately after one another like some kind of Seinfeld moment which makes me wanna barf, and remember this is CHRISTMAS. He says "I can do this all day." I call for the stewardess. I tell her the situation and she says "Cant you guys just get along?" Im like "This is clearly my window what would you like me to do this person keeps turning around in his chair and opening it?! His seat is fully reclined and we haven't even taken off yet, what would you like me to do?" She actually tells the guy to raise his seat and walks away. I shut the window and hold it shut with my hand. THE HUMAN TURD TURNS AROUND AND GRABS MY HAND AND STRUGGLES WITH IT AND FORCES IT OFF THE WINDOW?! Now he's touched me. Im ready to call the police. I call the flight attendant again who is about 22 and a girl and mind you I'm LARGE and ANGRY and wearing my ISSEY MIYAKE MOTORCYCLE JACKET so I look like Im ready to take a bullet or 7.
(damn my face looks bloated in this pic but I had just got off the plane and the plane makes me bloaty and greasy and gross. I get the worst water retention placement, my FACE and my LOVE HANDLES. How do some people retain water in their ass and pecs but I get FACE and LOVE HANDLES?!) anyhow... She nervously wiggles her hands in the air and mouths "I don't know?!" from her jump seat. I say "He just grabbed me?!" I shut the window again and hold it shut for thirty minutes. I then notice that he has shut his window and I know this bitch is insane enough to fall for the SCOOBY DOO maneuver of doing the OPPSITE and then the bad guy does what you wanted all along, you know what I mean. So I THROW OPEN THE WINDOW, the moron bites!!! and shuts the window... YES!!!! Thank god now I don't have to hold it down anymore... The window stays shut and about 45 minutes later I actually see him eyeballing the window, he's just glancing over at it salivating, DYING to open the window knowing he fell for the Scooby Doo trick. He actually reaches over and opens it about two inches. I just giggle and let him be insane and imagine the 497 ways I could murder him using slice of melon that they served that was so hard you could shave with it. The plane lands I tell my friends the story AND MY FRIEND IS LIKE "THATS THE MAN I HAVE TO MEET WITH TOMORROW?!" I of course don't believe it but he shows me a picture and its HIM!!!! What are the odds of that?!... in the billions I think. anyhow now I know the dudes name, know he's some spoiled old cunt from the UES and is so used to getting everything he wants he thought I was just gonna roll over... NOT QUITE. Now that I know the dudes name and I could strangle him with a piano wire when Im bored some night but I think the smart move is just to let him live his miserable life. Thats far more cruel. So, Im in LA the weather is lovely. My friend Tim Palen lets me stay at his amazingly gorgeous and masculine and comfy new home. Its heaven. He works harder then anyone I know and totally deserves it. I feel so lucky to be there. Tim is not only a super amazing photographer and marketing genius but a person who has been so gracious and giving to me it really effects me and I try and make myself more like him because of it. He's also I think the only person that can yell at me. Nobody else has ever scolded me for bad behavior. He does, and it freaks me out cause he's right and Im not used to it. He occupies a place in my life that I feel super fortunate to have and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. I get settled, have lunch with my bestie Ruben at the French Market cause its one of the few places open. We giggle forever and then Rupaul texts and asks me over for Christmas?!?!? How nice is that?!!! I mean I had nothing to do and X-mas is sorta a big deal and Im super honored that he invites me over. Im SUPER EXCITED. I show up and its sorta weird cause its me, Rupaul, and five other strangers that I have no idea what they have in common. I kinda wondering if I walked into a SWINGERS PARTY cause its men, women, straight, gay, foreigners, Americans, ... Who are these people?! They're all very nice and we play porno charades which means you take a movie, book, tv show and make a porno version. Like "Honey, I fucked the kids" "Scat on a hot tin roof" "the long queef goodnight". A couple nights later Ru invites me over again for porno charades and there are like 20 people, super yummy desserts, and MICHELLE VISAGE is there wearing my sequin jacket?! Im SUPER HAPPY. I went with my friend Jennifer who is like the best energy in the world and we have an awesome time, though Im a little frustrated that the guy writing down the names thinks my suggestion of "Blow Gabba Gabba" isn't good... FUCK YOU thats awesome?! I was also impressed at whoever on the other team thought of "Star Trek the Next Penetration". Ive since thought of quite a few and saved them in my phone for future usage. I think I may start a game night here in NYC cause it was a lot of fun. THANK YOU RU!!! I head three hours into the desert with Tim to do a shoot for Slick It Up. I was nervous at first as I wanted to deliver big for Tim but honestly didn't have a concept. I was feeling very creatively tapped but then my friend George gave me some great advice and said "Sometimes when you're so worried about something being perfect its very difficult to even take the first step. So just start with anything, don't have any preconceived expectations and you'll be fine." He was totally right. I had the idea to make three unique head pieces and shoot in the desert ala vintage Mugler... BIG SURPRISE I KNOW.. but I can always have more of that in the world. So after I made the first piece which my references were "Witch King" and Gladiator masks versus that Chimera head piece by Erik Halley ( Which influences everything I do, because for me its the penultimate)
I was actually excited and finished the other two without issue.
We go to Amboy which is this abandoned town in the middle of nowhere and we shoot on a Borax field which looks like ice (My friend said thats where the Madonna "Frozen" video was shot), an inactive Volcano, this down hill road to nowhere that you've seen a bunch of times in car commercials, and by this pool of chlorine or something that looks like Iceland with big chains around it that says "Do Not Enter" but I had on rubber boots and I knew the shot would be killer so we HAD to enter, toxic pool or not. My friends roll their eyes and giggle when I say Im the model. which I get, I know Im the "Kelly Grey" of fetish,
but honestly no model is gonna get what I want. When Tim yells "Dovima!"
I think me and two other people who lift weights might know what that means and be able to deliver it, WHICH I DID! The shoot is honestly the best I've ever done and I SUPER CANNOT WAIT to share them with you but Im gonna have to dole them out slowly because they're all new pieces and I obviously have to have them made before I can show them otherwise theres no product to sell. After getting back to LA I went to the party at the Myan which I actually had never been to before and I think it was the coolest party venue Ive ever been to. It really makes you realize how SHITTY New York is. The venue was just fun to explore, the sound was impressive enough for me to make comment and I really don't care about that stuff, and the people were friendly. I don't wanna talk about it too much cause I don't wanna come off like a circuit queen but I have to admit it was fun. It wasn't modeling in the desert fun, or porno charades fun, but it was a lot of fun still and great to be with both my old and new friends. I really have to say I'm very excited for 2013 and want to give a big thanks to all the friends in my life who have been so awesome who I love not only because they're good people but because they're smart and talented as well, and to the random strangers who are nice and brave enough to walk up to me or email and compliment my work, and of course all the customers who pay my rent. Thank you all!!!

8 comments:

Joel said...

David- Great post! Your pic is lovely- I should be so bloated!- Oi!

JamTheCat said...

United sucks. I think the last plane I flew on them was older than I am, and I'm pre-jet-set, honey.

But I do love your photo shoots and can't wait to see this one.

God, I miss LA.

M. said...

I keep reading that all american airlines deliver a shit product in all classes domestically.

Nest time fly to Toronto and go on an Air Canada flight, from Canada to US the flights are supposedly outfitted like the international ones.

Next time somebody pulls this shit you ask for the PURSER, the flight attendants super.
It is THEIR job to satisfy the customer, and they might have re-seated you if there were enough seats.

Sue said...

Sorry that dude was horrible to you on your flight. Yeah, United can suck as an airline - I've had terrible flights on them too. I've also had United flights were it was delayed because the pilots didn't show up, then we missed the connection and were denied the next flight. Not a pretty business. But because it was prior to 9/11, I was able to shake things up a bit and get us on another flight. Nowadays, I would probably be arrested for what I did [inciting a passenger riot, as it put by the manager, LOL!]. And, as you have noticed, United needs to buy a new fleet of planes. You were probably flying on the same damn plane that I was on in the 90's!

Glad to hear your trip went well though and that you had a great time.

http://suefairview.com/

Jim said...

Truly a great post :) I love the porno charade titles, LOL! Happy & Wonderful 2013 to you.

Michael Almacen said...

I recognized you hanging out with the door guy as I was walking into the Mayan! I wanted to say, "Hi!" and say how this is my FAVORITE blog ever, but I wasn't featuring the 'arctic' west coast cold! Coat check was full so I had to dump my coat back in the car. When I got back you were gone. Anyway, best wishes to you in 2013!

James said...

So glad you enjoyed the Mayan, and that I didn't come off as a "crazy stalker" Australian who wanted to show you his bf was wearing your shorts.

RJ said...

Love the tirades...Hugs!