Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I don't even wanna write about Arpad. Im sick of saying the same thing.

It is curious that another giant guy on specifically on HGH and mones offed himself. I said it when Roman Ragazzi killed himself and when Erik Rhodes did (Yes i know it was "heart failure" but he was aware of what he was doing and even said it was on purpose). I know plenty of people do both, I have, but I think being purely an escort/porn star (I say purely because it seems as though people who have other interests/ventures/occupations/outlets don't off themselves or even have issue with a history in porn because its just an ASPECT (and sorry "personal trainer" DOES NOT COUNT) and really going full tilt boogie in making yourself PURE OBJECT is too soul killing. I mean I could totally be wrong, this is just what I have felt in my own life and therefore I imagine its what he MAY have felt. I mean we all objectify ourselves to some degree but it could be said these guys really pushed objectification to the max and therefore perhaps you could figure that they took it so far the person inside the object just feels too detached and suicide sounds NOT SO BAD. Almost like "Eh, I'll just shut the MACHINE off, because I was gone a long time ago." Its why I always say don't bother doing mones cause they won't make you happier and they are addictive psychologically. Do I take them, once in a while yes, and I wish I hadn't. Ive learned from doing it that it won't make you happier. You think "If I build this body then people will worship/like me." but thats only half true. People won't like YOU, people like IT and that in turn makes you even more withdrawn and resentful because you know who you are/were and that people MAY only like you for the artifice and not the real you. So after a few years of being trapped in a gorilla/robot/armor suit you start to think thats ALL you have to offer and thats the only reason why people could like you and you off yourself cause you're coming off the mones and that process causes total depression and you just feel totally alone . I get it. This last cycle I was way depressed and the level of steroids I've done is so much less then what these guys have done I can only imagine what the come down is like and I doubt they have the support system needed to get through it. Its sad, I met him before and he seemed like a sweet guy. He seemed like a smart guy and supposedly had skills where he was from, why they weren't used is beyond me Im sure there are plenty of reasons/excuses but I imagine because its hard to work when people will just give you cash to lay there and get blown despite the fact that its that dehumanization thats making you unhappy.

No comments: