Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Dear Restoration Hardware!!!

Dear Restoration Hardware, please never send me your TWELVE POUND CATALOGUE, its literally 12 pounds, of fake antiques again. I actually feel sorry for the trees that were sacrificed and toxic dyes that were used for me to throw it directly into the recyclable bin. I never bought anything from you, nor did I ask for it. I appreciate the GUERRILLA GUILT TRIP you've taken me on as much as I appreciate your rusty designs and shotty products that you've repackaged as "shabby chic"!!!
Why do I hate fake antiques so much??? Let me tell you...To me it says "I live in a deluded dreamworld where I don't think about what the space I inhabit is but I WISH TO PERCEIVE that its this classic old fantasy that says "Im real, Im classic, Im correct" when Im completely UNWARE that I am in a PARTICLE BOARD BOX WITH PLASTIC SHINGLES in a room full of FAKE ANTIQUES MADE IN CHINA which is really no different then a room full of chinese lanterns because its still all just FAKE CRAP MADE IN CHINA and I have no idea about the world, or my world and and I'd really not rather think, please don't make me think, I just want to eat garbage and die and go to heaven where I can just do the same thing and eat garbage forever without judgement, Im so blessed."
God doesn't like fake antiques.

5 comments:

Martha Stewart said...

Dear David,

I'm so glad you are back to incorrectly using the words "then" and "than." The last time I looked at HOV, there was an unsettling post that was littered with proper grammar and so easy to read that it sent my head spinning.

In this world where one cannot turn a corner without seeing a sign of the apocalypse, I rely on constants to reassure me that the sun will come up, the world is round, and my offshore bank accounts will never suffer IRS scrutiny. Your malaprops are my rock.

That you've found in the Lord in your last sentence, however, disturbs me....

Sincerely,
Martha Stewart

David Mason said...

Dear Martha Stewart, I am so happy to hear from you and so happy you found a grammatical error! Now all we have to find is your career.

Martha Stewart said...

Dear David,

Thank you for your concern regarding my empire.

Things have been tense around MSLO for awhile now but I have turned firing loyal employees into sort of a carnival game so that relieves a little of the stress.

Even more worried than you are those greedy little grandchildren Jude & Truman (eye roll over the names.) Those blood-sucking toe heads think I'm unaware of the secret estate planning meetings they've been having with my tax lawyers. Never trust a child born of in vitro. They lack the compassion born to naturally seeded humans.

If you'll excuse me, I have another round of terminations and shooting gallery riddled with casualties.

Sincerely,
Martha Stewart

David Mason said...

I am in full agreement. Chemically induced children are basically flushed into our consciousness before a soul even gets into the zygote.

Antinous said...

Not to discourage a good rant, but you can go to CatalogChoice.com and make all the bad catalogs go away. It works quite well, although a couple of them may take a while to stop sending.