Im sort of not in the mood to recount the antics of this cruise because by the last day I had cabin fever so bad I tried strapping a motor to Jiggly Caliente to ride her the fuck out of there but she got away and we had to swim back. What a good spirit though she didn't seem to mind?! Maybe thats how she got here in the first place?! (This picture wasn't worth buying but Jiggly was cool)
Anyways the cruise was fun but WEIRD, and it was A LOT of weird! Though it was a good time and I had a really great time being with my boyfriend and friends I would not do it again. As I said before by the end I did not want to have the same SEMI SYNTHETIC breakfast and sit at a plastic table designed so it can be EASILY SPRAYED DOWN WITH CLEANSING AGENTS with a FAUX TILE pattern SCANNED onto it and then have the same hamburger at the stand emblazoned with the name of HOMOPHOBE LOSER/ voice of straight people who proudly don't own books GUY FIERRI (don't care if I didn't spell his name right) on it and then with a queazy stomach sit NEXT TO the pool because it was too small and I think to myself that the pleasures of a pool do not OUTWEIGH THE RISK OF A SKIN RASH so I then SUCCUMB to DRINKING SOUR CORN SYRUPS WITH AGAVE BASED ALCOHOL in hopes to NOT THINK THESE THINGS for another day.
At first the cruise felt like the time we learned my moms Avon lady had a brother convicted of child molestation... UNCOMFORTABLE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED?! When we checked in we were very concerned. Al and Chuck who sold the cruise were always SHADEY about just HOW GAY this cruise was going to be never answering the question when asked. This was only the beginning of UNENDING SHADE and AVOIDANCE OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS by Al and Chuck (more on this later). Well when we showed up it was about 70% OCTOGENARIAN and 30% WEIRDOS. I dunno if Id even say gays.
Now that said, Im WAY happier being around weirdos then CUNTS, as I am a weirdo myself but this tested my LIMITS OF WEIRDOM. The guys standing in front of us in line in check-in (and this is gonna come off as mean as it sorta is and its elitist and judgey and mean but there is something to be said for being honest to yourself and accountable for your decision making and making an effort NOT to be this person and its my honest feeling so I'm just gonna share it, its not right by any means) were a pack of 450 pound MANATEES (not bears as Im a nature lover and don't want to disrespect a bear AND we were in Florida remember) with scraggily "I don't want to participate in the personal maintenance game" beards and lavender toned flesh that ALSO DID NOT WANT TO BE NEAR THEM so it was TRYING ESCAPE THEIR OWN FORM by slithering down their skeletons and GATHERING FOR SAFETY into their extremities as they clutched on to cases of soda like teddy bears. (These people were at least 6' 4" and those are BASKETBALL SHORTS not CAPRI PANTS?! When have you ever seen a basketball short that was TIGHT AROUND THE ANKLES?!) You can't tell me you don't do the same thing we did and imagine the sex they have! Which uncomfortably and curiously leads you to wonder how they poo and how if they can't possibly fit on a toilet as it would be ENGULFED BY THEIR FLESH how are they even sure it went in the toilet?! So then you have to imagine them sitting in a bathtub as the boyfriend just sprays the poo away with the shower hose like cleaning hippos at the zoo. WOW THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MEANEST THING I EVER WROTE ON HERE but I didn't even mean it to be mean promise! Im just telling you my thought process and I refuse to believe Im the only one to think this.
Once we got on the boat there was certainly tension. Many of the straight old people who literally bought tickets for the cruise for ONE DOLLAR because they didn't sell out of the RPDR tickets so they sold them to geezers for a dollar were confused as to why there was such a large proportion of SINNERS on board and the gays were of course just like WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE EVEN ALIVE?! I was a little pissed. You see they marketed this cruise in a SNEAKY way. They pretended like there were three separate cruises, a RPDR cruise, a bear cruise, and just a general GAY cruise. The poor bastards who thought it was going to be like ATLANTIS and bought a "gay" ticket were so disappointed as there was NOBODY to fuck on this cruise. These two Argentinian guys who thought it was gonna be like Atlantis and be all COKE and G and BOOTY BUMPS SET TO BEYONCE came over to us REALLY HOPING for a hook up because we were two of the only four queens with muscles. The poor bears got TOTALLY RIPPED OFF as they paid all this extra money and got NOTHING and didn't even get to go see the drag shows?! I hate to make a fire island reference but this cruise was waaay more "Cherry grove" than the "Pines" and that sucks because I LIKE NEITHER. Now I've been on an Atlantis cruise and I didn't like that much at all as I hate cunty gays and that cruise had NO trannies and NO weirdos and was all uptight BASIC BITCHES and I hated them. I didn't hate the manatees on this cruise, I just didn't wanna be near them because they smelled like cheese. To compare the Al and Chuck cruise to an Atlantis cruise the boat on the Atlantis was much nicer and the food was much better but honestly it wasn't THAT different. The Carnival boat was like sailing in a OLIVE GARDEN and the Atlantis cruise was like sailing in a CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
Day two another WEIRD thing happened. The straight old people DISAPPEARED. I don't know where the fuck they went but they were just GONE. I mean they were there but they turned into something more like FOOD DELIVERY PEOPLE here in NYC and were basically a subjugated race that just scuffles by unseen. It was kinda fierce as you realized that their experience was basically my life from the ages of 10 to 17 and they were OUT NUMBERED, NOT POPULAR, and NOT GETTING WHY THEYRE DIFFERENT AND PEOPLE WERE MEAN TO THEM. I kinda felt like it was karma as the ones that rolled with it and were nice were having a great time and the miserable ones were forced to hide. I actually felt it was my godly duty to be nice to them and NOT treat them the way they treat us to set a good example but I resented them for making me "work" on this vacation but WHO DONT I RESENT?!?!.
and now for the MOST FUCKED UP PART OF THE CRUISE…...ALYSSA EDWARDS DIDNT MAKE HER FLIGHT……………….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Can you imagine what my brain did when I found this out?!?!? I immediately fell into "WHO MUST DIE" mode. My friend went to the Al and Chuck desk to find out if it was true as when you signed up for the cruise you signed up "with" a queen and were supposed to get a private party with them and he had signed up with Alyssa. THIS ENTIRE CONCEPT DID NOT HAPPEN for any of the queens, it was just CANCELLED… WTF?!?! I know a few of these queens very lightly and even I was like RIP OFF!?! . When my friend asked them "I heard a rumor, Is Alyssa Edwards on this boat?" they actually said "Well you know RUMORS…." and he pressed further he was like "Its a YES or NO question, is Alyssa on this boat or not?!" the lady actually said "I have to make a phone call!?!" and RAN AWAY?!?!?!?!?!?!? The Al and Chuck people were HATED on this cruise for good reason. When they tried to show a TEN MINUTE FILM before the drag show featuring their HOME and their MULTIPLE CHRISTMAS TREES in a house with CURIOUSLY LOW CEILINGS the entire theatre BOOED FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES?!!!! Like serious hard core BOOING, a tranny got up and started singing opera when the Al guy started talking. It was a MESS but we at least got to see the performances… Fuck I'm so tired of writing this I'm sorry you have had to read so much before I get to the queens.
Trinity K Bonet was by far the best performance doing an incredible, and I cringe to say her name as she's so heavily referenced that having anything to do with her is basically the new WIG REMOVAL, Beyonce medley and I don't even like Beyonce(I don't DISLIKE her mind you but I don't even like any song she's made) so for Trinity to do Beyonce and me to like it the most she had to have been REALLY FUCKIN GOOD. They grouped the queens into three shows over three nights. Certain queens also had individual "cabaret" shows. Surprisingly the "winners night" grouping of performances was the least impressive. Raja I think had the best look of all the looks of all the queens. Her performance was more languid and elemental then the usual twerk and jerk that gets so tiring. Sharon Needles looked awesome doing an impersonation of Angelica Houston when she's the grotesque witch in The Witches but she only needed to do ONE live vocals song instead of two and instead of doing a cover of "Everyday is Halloween" by Ministry I feel it would have been brilliant and far more transgressive if she had done something like "Two of hearts" dressed like that. Jinx was a FLOP and Tyra Sanchez unfortunately isn't smart enough to use her gifts to her greatest abilities. Her beauty is deeper than her source of references. She's impressive looking on stage. If she knew more she could do more but she doesn't so her beauty is lost on a second rate Beyonce impression which Trinity does better. Alaska was a cruise stand out, consistent and funny and unique. She was great. I think ONGINA was the biggest surprise actually. She totally won over the crowd and was charming and charismatic. We were actually surprised by the queens we liked most. The stand-outs in NO PARTICULAR ORDER FOR REAL were Ben De La Creme (YES I ACTUALLY TYPED THAT though the routine could have chopped a part that got too sexual and "blue"), MIMI IMFURST?!?! (Yes I even typed THAT?! WTF!!?! Her roast was THE BEST!) Alaska, Ongina, Trinity K Bonet, Bianca Del Rio, Mariah (classic but good), Gia Gunn gave "House of..." realness (she was a defensive cunt onboard but you could see was TRYING to be nice but has so much anger it was hard for her), Detox (points for NERVE as she SAT ON THE STAIRS with an OPEN PURSE and the BIGGEST LINE EVER formed to PUT MONEY IN IT?!). (and here is just a picture of me kicking Detox in the face for no other reason then its just a good photo)
The best looking of the bunch were Alaska, Raja, Trinity, Willam, Sharon Needles (provided the cruise with MANY well done looks), Detox, and April Carrion who was VERY sweet on board and looked GREAT in her Mugler inspired ensemble but her performance was a little long and didn't have enough bang.
The queens who fell in a forgettable middle spot were, well I forgot!!!.. but the stand out disappointments were Adore Delano ( I swear her outfit was from hot topic), Darriene Lake (were you really expecting much?), Pandora Boxx (awkwardly not funny), Latrice Royale, Yarra Sophia, and I really hate to say this as I like her and I think she MAY have had a costume malfunction Jocelyn Fox. That said jocelyn was VERY sweet on board and I honestly feel bad about writing that she was a disappointment but I can't side with kindness over honesty. Most of the performances that were uninteresting were a failure because of the theatre size I think. Latrice or Jocelyn for example would be impressive in a small space but in a theatre it was just a SNORE. April in a smaller venue would be really captivating with her beauty and very well made costume which she made herself but it was diluted in the spectrum of the theatre.
Im not the biggest fan but I have to say Bianca really carried that cruise. Performing and just randomly walking around she really stood out as a strong presence where many queens just sparkled less. I really thought there would be more "down time" with the queens but you really didn't get much. They all kinda had a couple TWATTY SOUR PUSSED friends around them that made it difficult to approach them and it made the queens look bad. The ones that didn't have a TWATTY SOUR PUSSED PARROT ON THEIR SHOULDER came off way better. I mean I can't blame them every person on board is picking at them but THATS KINDA THE POINT OF THE CRUISE, AND THEM WANTING "FAME" IN GENERAL?!. So I was a little disappointed that they weren't too accessible. They offered a group "meet and greet" but that felt humiliating to me. I don't want to STAND IN LINE LIKE IM AT CHIPOTLE to tell a queen I like what she does?! I want to buy her a drink and talk to her about Mugler and Sea Monsters like I just did with you… well Mugler and SEA MANATEES at least.
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