Friday, March 13, 2015

Rupauls Drag Race Season 7 Episode 2 review "I Hate Michelle Visage"

Ok this review is gonna be short because I haven't been at the gym for like a week because I went on vacation and once I got back I had to catch up on work and photoshop photos to add new product to Slick It Up and what little time I did have in between I spent on Tumblr making myself feel bad about myself as I look at images of hot guys who have been photoshopped.
I actually thought this episode was pretty decent. No complaints from me. The main challenge was a group "production number" and usually these are slightly cringe worthy but this one the production values were much better and it was by far the best number they've ever had on the show. That said WHAT WAS THE "RUSSIAN LADY" DOING? As I watched I wondered if I was having "BRAIN SCHISMS" (thats not a real thing but something I suffer from Im sure of it!) She seems like a cool chick and would be fun to hang out with maybe if she's not a coke head, but her lip-synch was all weird and it felt like I was watching Italian television or something because the words I was hearing were not the ones I was seeing her say. As it turns out she didn't know what was going on either! I can't blame her. Apparently she confidently chose the role with the longest monologue but choked in the performance. This is always interesting because its so legitimate WE ALL DO IT and you never know when its gonna happen?! One time I was working on decorating this Iraeli arms dealers childs birthday party and he of course had it at the Rainbow Room here in NYC at the "Top of the Rock" and of course hired Stevie Nicks, as well as a zillion other musicians like Aerosmith and 50 cent. As a big Stevie fan I was excited that she was gonna be in the same room as me.(Notice I didn't say "I was going to be in the same room as her." Thats how my brain works, SORRY) anyways her BACK UP singer walks up to me and asks where the bathroom is. I forget her backup singers name at the moment but I totally recognized her as she's this busty, pale, raven haired, type of lady who looks like she smells like an ash tray filled with Eau de Joy and and I just STAMMERED. I stammered so bad she actually had to nervously say "Um, its ok, I'll find it myself." WHY DID I GAG OVER STEVIE NICKS BACK UP SINGER??! I have no idea but it happens! So Im not gonna judge. This shitty lip synch during the main challenge sent our Russian doll into the lip synch for her life where she executed a few legitimate splits and a nice SLOW SPLIT and she redeemed herself and sent her contender home who was the girl who said "Lobster dress" last episode in reference too Thierry Muglers chimera dress so I think its fair to A. Send her packing and B. Not bother to know her name because she was a Debbie Downer and as I said in the first episode review if I can't remember your name THATS YOUR FAULT. The girl who went home was basically any of our friends who puts a wig and make up on at a pool party and you go "Wow, you look pretty good?!" but thats at a POOL PARTY surrounded by GUYS ON HORMONES AND BEARDS and you were FUCKED UP anyways on FROZEN DRINKS so she REALLY DIDNT LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU THOUGHT ANYWAYS! (I don't smoke, but I do for affectation.)
The runways challenges I think are MUCH BETTER than other seasons. I BITCHED about them not focusing on them as much last season and this season you get a clear mention of what the category is and they spend a little more time on it. HURRAH, and THANK YOU! The "runway review" is important because ITS WHAT GAYS ARE GOOD AT. We excel at and ENJOY DECIPHERING AND CRACKING VISUAL CODES. I don't know why some government doesn't pay me to read people walking through customs because I excel at CLOCKING A BITCH and so do many other gays as we've had to learn to do it since we were TWO to survive and then again at 11 to NOT GET BEAT UP and then again at 18 when your potential sex partners were RIDDLED WITH AIDS and then again at 24 when EVERYONE WAS ADDICTED TO METH. Being able to see the signs as a gay pays! I mean Im always shocked how you hear about police investigating something and Im all like "He's clearly a closet tranny chaser and smokes tina at 4a.m on Saturday night so he doesn't have to deal with the pain of selling himself sunday afternoon when everyone is alone and horny and ordering rough trade hookers and THATS WHEN/WHY HE PUT THE CLAW END OF A HAMMER IN THE BACK OF THAT GUYS HEAD." but I digress…. Im happy were getting more runway. This episode the girls seemed confused by the theme of "JET SET" my friend wondered if half thought it was "Set of the Jetsons" and the other half thought it was JET MAGAZINE??! I was disappointed, frightened, saddened by a couple of the queens PROUD VERBAL CRITIQUE of Trixie Mattels looks as it was not a super obvious directly literal interpretation of the theme but I thought it was a pretty well done interpretation / adaptation of Jet set in what would be "her realm". The LACK OF SHAME the fat short southern white one and the tall skinny mouthy black one had while sorta of trying to READ HER for THEIR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING was frightening to me. ( I just wrote an long tirade about the south but deleted it because we just don't need that kind of rage)... JASMINE MASTERS Thats the tall skinny mouthy blacks one name!!?! See she must be doing SOMETHING right?! I actually thought she looked cute and nice and fun with her larger format wig until she opened her LARGER FORMAT MOUTH. Her pride in not understanding things was disturbing but her ATTEMPT at trying to play mind games with Ms. Fame during Untucked was ENTERTAINING. I actually don't think Jasmine is stupid, she's just not educated and has an opinion which equals GOOD TV for about 5 seconds and then you change the channel because you feel bad about the life choices your making and the things you're supporting and how those decisions are making you unhappy. (OR MAYBE YOU DONT?!, but you should.) Anyhow, In a nutshell she CLEARLY is WILDLY FRUSTRATED by Ms Fames beauty and make-up skills and FEELS LESS THAN (WHICH IS A PROBLEM SHE PUTS ON HERSELF) and attempted to do the saddest little "MIND" GAME EVER to get Ms Fame to second guess herself by saying "Beauty and Make Up skills are not a talent??!?!" Which of course they are, and had I been Ms. Fame there would not have been a pause before I said "Beauty and Make up skills are not a talent….. THAT YOU POSSESS." Jasmine really needs to brush up on that HANNIBAL LECTOR impersonation.
The entire episode though was entirely foreshadowed by Violet Chachki who is wisely making a name for herself, hopefully she doesn't stray into Laganja territory, by making the statement "I hate Michelle Visage." at the beginning of the episode as they walked into the work room from the episode before.
This was in response to Michelle saying Violet was giving "boy" by being topless with no breastplate when I see it as her giving "new", "chic", and "intelligent". Now this of course caused an uproar as everyone loves Michelle. I DO love Michelle, Michelle is fierce BUT I don't agree with her. You see Michelle is NEW JERSEY. Michelle is the DAD on this show representing a more conservative, perhaps "primitive" highly sexualized, highly defined gender role and I love her for that because its nice to feel "protected" in that way. Michelle is like your dad saying "You look like a whore?!" but instead Michelle is saying "You don't look whorey enough?! You look like a fuckin weirdo?!" Michelle is really into CLASSIC gender stereotypes, real JERSEY, real THIRD WORLD if you ask me. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE THAT SHIT. Gender roles held to an extreme are FETISHISTIC AND SEXY! I mean I REALLY LIKE THEM its why my boyfriend is a HAIRY SPANISH GREASEBALL WHO SMOKES CIGARS (just saying that makes my butt twitch) and also I really appreciate it as Jersey is real 80s and I am REAL 80s but Im not JERSEY in my heart Im WEIRD in my heart. Im also from upstate New York where all these Jersey types would vacation as a kid and growing up I HATED THEM every summer as I was a WEIRD SKINNY APPLE HEADED SCARECROW and when my arcade became invaded by HIGHLY SEXUALIZED GUIDOS I was HALF TURNED ON AND HALF HATED THEM because they were MEAN TO ME. So I totally get where Violet is coming from, don't tell me what to do and fuck your MONKEY TOWN VALUES so I support her but I support Michelle too. I can see and appreciate both standpoints and actually like that this issue is being brought up because as a kid I would LOVE for this to have been an issue but of course in my time EVERYONE LOOKED LIKE A DRAG QUEEN SO THIS WAS NOT AN ISSUE. This is a heterosexual from my plane of consciousness and I am SO THANKFUL FOR THAT!!!

PS For your viewing pleasure Ive included the "Twist of Fate" video which is the song so correctly chosen for the lip synch… THAT SET?!?!? WATER AND NEON?!?!? ELECTRICITY AND WATER EQUALS SOMEBODY SPENT SOME MONEY SO THE BLONDE LADY DOESNT GET FRIED.

2 comments:

RJ said...

As always, right on the money. Love your rants. Just for the record you are hot man, no photoshopping or body envy required.

Phillyguy said...

Hi David, thanks for taking the time to write . . . uh, the "short version" of your review?! I agree, the little productions are usually cringe worthy but this one was quite good, at least the second one. No, it was not time for Tatyana (Russian) to go home. Sasha Belle did have issues. Oh, don't feel bad about the Photoedited guys. You are so hot, I'd eat spaghetti off your sweaty butt!