I want to write this before Jasmine Masters gets on a camera and blabs on about how she didn't actually loose a drag challenge she lost something that has nothing to do with drag and how she is an ENTERTAINER and lost because she has no interest in these trifling subjects such as beards and Shakespeare. She may have said this in Untucked, I haven't watched yet. Im also dreading going outside as it St Patricks Day aka STRAIGHT PRIDE and Im really bad about drunk bridge and tunnel sitting on my steps wearing SHAMROCK DEELYBOPPERS pretending they live here when they've never done what it takes to deal with living in a city, and instead live in a KOOSHY MUSHROOM VILLAGE and come here one day and pretend they're "real". I seriously can hear them out my window right now and Im too lazy to push a harpsichord out the window so Ill just commit to writing!
I don't know about you but this episode was fantastic because it basically was an abstract representation of my entire life from age 5 to 22 from elementary school to Cal Arts. What I mean by this is as a gay child in upstate New York I always felt like a greyhound in a room full of monkeys and I just had to sit there and EAT IT because I was outnumbered.
You see they divided the girls into two teams. One team spearheaded by Tranzwizzard the Wise Max and the other Team spearheaded by Toady McBlumpkin Kennedy Davenport (the only reason why I remember her name is because of Ru saying "Newark, Laguardia, Kennedy" as though its "New York, Paris, Milan" which is SO SMART btw). The two captains got to choose their teams and Kennedy of course like every other idiot in the world who doesn't know what they're doing prescribed to nepotism to complete the task instead of choosing who would be best. Max of course JUST DID EVERYTHING RIGHT because she seems like a grateful person who respects the world by understand that doing things with gratitude and effort is like saying THANK YOU to THE GODS. Kennedys team was basically HUMAN MUCUS. The rehearsal experience felt like the shittier aspects of my life from 5 to 21 and I was Violet, the one who is different but actually knows they know better but must SUFFER THE MASSES and you can't do anything because barbarians have stormed the castle. This experience is aka RIDING THE SUBWAY. Sure that a RASH THING TO SAY and you can hate me for saying that and I KNOW IM NOT BETTER than anyone else but thats a REAL HARD MANTRA TO SWALLOW ON THE SUBWAY and if you say you don't think the same then you're Dolly fuckin Parton and hooray for you! I unfortunately am not so enlightened. I still think I'm better than people who eat chicken in a train car. That said I would rather ride the subway than have to WATCH KENNEDY'S TEAM DO SHAKESPEARE. It was a TOTAL SHIT SHOW and this is what happens when you give the keys to the grey people. Nepotism reigns, the horde has control, CULTURE DIES, and Rome falls. Remember Rome didn't fall from Barbarians attacking from the outside, it fell from the Barbarians gaining power on the INSIDE.
The episode so clearly brought me back in time to being on the jungle gym surrounded by the horrible spawn of the cockroach family THE GIRARDS. (Jodi, Carrie, and Lisa specifically) A family in my home town that was so large they kind of bullied the entire town with that old school catholic hypocrisy. That rowdy, judgey, not curious or open minded, non participating, insular, gluttonous, terrified, HORDE MENTALITY. The Girards were basically THE ST PATRICKS DAY PARADE! So as we sat there atop the jungle gym they called my Kermit sneakers, which I really thought were quite sweet and friendly little green shoes with Kermit waving on them that I bought in kind of a first clothes shopping moment with my mom and was really expressing myself by choosing them, "Price Chopper shoes". (Price Chopper was the local grocery store) At the time I didn't know they were just making fun of me because they were jealous of my life and maybe now I realize that them being cruel was actually SAD BECAUSE THEY COULD NEVER POSSIBLY FEEL SPECIAL BEING THEY EXISTED IN SUCH GREAT NUMBERS AND SUCH GREAT IGNORANCE AND AND PROBABLY NEVER GOT TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SHOES AND THEY KNEW IT but I couldn't possibly understand that as a third grader so instead I've just decided TO CARRY THIS ANGER AGAINST THEM and CATHOLICS FOR 33 YEARS ??!?! This is not the first time Ive written about the Girards btw its FUCKING SHOCKING how this shit can keep coming back and you have to keep giving this shit back to god and saying THANKS FOR THE LESSON! I WILL REMEMBER, AND BE THANKFUL NOT BITTER! and I must say my best friends family growing up was also Catholic and they were the most wonderful people I could ever meet so its shitty I choose to snarl my lip at Catholics when it was like ONE shitty incident and there were THOUSANDS of wonderful memories given to me by Catholics. I also need to remember this because my boyfriend is from Spain and raised as an Opus Day Catholic and I have to be open minded for his sake because my "pagan" beliefs are wildly shocking to him but he is open to them and sees light in them so I must be open and gentle to him as well or Im just being as bad as I say the Catholics are. One of the nicest things that ever happened to me as a kid I didn't even realize until I was an adult and learned more about Catholicism was that my best friends mom and dad, the Haywards, would let me go get Communion when I would go to church with them. This doesn't seem like much, but its HUGE spiritually. I wasn't Catholic but I respected them and wanted to be part of their culture so Id go with them some Sundays to check it out. I was open minded and wanted to be part of something bigger as I very much grew up on my own and never felt part of anything larger than my He-Man collection. I didn't even know what Communion was or that I wasnt supposed to be able to get it but they knew I respected them and wanted to be part of something so without letting me know I wasn't supposed to they let me go up and get it and never told me I wasn't supposed to. Im actually teary eyed thinking about that moment because it was really fucking fierce of them to let me feel part of something even though it was against the rules because just like I said before about Max they knew I was taking it with gratitude and that THAT was what its all about. They said fuck the rules, this kid wanting to be part of something is honest and pure and the church should be so lucky as to have someone WANT to be part of their group and the last kid this PROBABLY GAY kid needs it to be told is "NOT YOU"....Fuck the rules, the Haywards were FIERCE.
I apologize for going off of the topic like this but really this is what I felt in the episode with Jasmine and Kennedy and Ginger coming for Violet. When you put it all together you realize its not the Girards, or Catholicism, or Jasmine really is it? You can find the Girards ANYWHERE in life FOREVER. They were just my first experience of THAT KIND OF HORRIBLE. I should thank them for being my entry into horrible because IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE! It could have been Jasmine Masters and her HORRIBLE BEARD?!
Which I can't find a picture of actually, the google gods are kind today, so I will just post this gif of Rafiki as its the closest thing to her. Did you see her putting on that "combat contour"??!?! GAGGLEBERRIES I FOUND pics of both?!?!
The main challenge was to do Shakespeare. No easy task. Im an art school kid and even for me Shakespeare seems exclusive and something I'd have to be invited into and NOBODY HAS EVER GIVEN ME AN INVITE. So I understand Max coming from his background he's been given the opportunity to excel at this where Jasmine, Kennedey, and Ginger clearly have not BUT thats really no excuse because this was very much MAKE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEARE and had they taken the initiative they could have made it their own. I will say though after watching seven seasons of this show you really see how having a large library of references is SO CRUCIAL to success in this world because its always the girls who haven't read books or gone to the museum or had moms that said "Let me tell you a story" that really stumble in creativity based challenges. Its quite sad actually, they just have NOTHING to pull from. I mean I don't wanna play a violin because I guess you could say the same thing about me and sports, but I dunno.
They also got creative with the beard challenge and again the smart kids did well and the non smart kids looked like A BUS STOP JUG BAND! Katya looked the best with Max in for a close second. I wish there was a better gif of Katyas look but it was smart and chic.
When I started this article hours ago (yes I spent hours writing this this morning) I planned on eviscerating Jasmine, Kennedy and Ginger for their tryory but now I feel very different. Im far less reactive to their tryory and more sympathetic. Everything ended up ok as the "bad guys" lost in the end and Im sure they will learn from this so its a good thing for everybody. Now I feel Im in a much better place to brave the streets of NYC on this STRAIGHT PRIDE and instead of macing them as I HISS LIKE A CAT AND RUN I will put on some Rupaul and smile and show them what a nice day it could be.